Trying really hard not to hate myself.

All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.

Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.

I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.

I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.

All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt. 

Life – a series of accumulating relationships to grieve, that teach me not to trust.

Life has taught me a lot about humanity. Sadly, a lot of bad stuff. Like never to rely on anyone. Never to trust anyone.

I know there are some who will say that making a decision to not trust anyone again and choose not to get close to anyone, is unhealthy. And maybe for some it is.

For me, I am done with ever expecting anything deeper than shallow relationships. I am already grieving too many relationships and the list gets longer. It’s not like I haven’t tried. Admittedly, I am clearly not good at seeking out healthy people.

But, I am at the stage of not trusting myself, to not seek out relationships that ultimately will hurt me. I ignore red flags, because I get attached to people and I don’t want to believe that person, is not healthy. I don’t want to face it ending and the deep and intense emotions I feel, of abandonment.

Poem – Please don’t leave me, I’m begging you ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem……. Please don’t leave me, I’m begging you ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Please don’t leave me

I’m begging you

.

Please, please forgive me

For all I have done wrong

All I said wrong

For saying you hurt me

I will be compliant

Please forgive me

.

I will try to be

What you want

.

I will try to do

What you want

.

I will try to say

What you want

.

Please don’t leave me

I’m begging you

.

I will let you hurt me

And be what you want

Lana Del Rey – Ride

Lyrics.

I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer.
At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer – not a very popular one,
I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I’d been living, they asked me why – but there’s no use in talking to people who have home.
They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people – for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner dissociativeness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean…

When the fear spiral downwards starts, it gains momentum … fast.

Fear is a terrible experience.

You’d think I would be used to it by now. I’ve endured so much fear in my life. But, it still affects me, exactly the same way it has all my life.

When faced with my worst fears – abandonment, loss……. the fear takes over and it will bring me to begging, and if necessary I will just say and do whatever is needed. To survive the fear and avoid what I fear the most….. abandonment by someone I have an attachment to, who I need, who I have become dependent on.

And this is where I am heading. The good old fawn trauma response. Do what they want, do what they say, agree, comply, be a good girl, don’t complain, don’t argue, don’t stand up for yourself., don’t say what someone is doing is wrong ….. you know will get hurt, if you do. They will leave you, you will be alone.

I know what’s coming, I will apologise for what I feel, I will say whatever is needed, whatever repairs the damage, completely to the cost of my own self respect and my own needs.

It’s how it has always been.

I will do whatever, than be hurt, and faced with hurt I cannot cope with, or abandonment ……. I will do anything.

Which is the lessor of the two evils.

The lessor of the two evils of fear.

“Don’t leave me now……. don’t say goodbye…… don’t turn around……leave me high and dry” – Lana Del Rey – Ride