Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Maybe this is why some people shame victims, and refuse to see abusers for what they really are.

I see a lot of victim shaming and making excuses for abusive people, I see it everywhere. I even see it in my own counselling.

I think church people, and people who work with abusers, often feel compelled to have compassion for abusive people, despite knowing that these abusers wanted to cause harm, made choices to cause harm, and enjoyed it.

So, in order to have this level of compassion they feel they have to have and to be able to deal with them in a nice way …… they minimize what the victims endure….and want the victims to ‘get over it’ – so they can believe that abusers don’t really cause the level of damage that harms someone for a whole lifetime, causes so much pain that suicide occurs.

By shaming the victims, with this belief that they need to ‘get over it’ quicker, or shame them with this accusation of not forgiving etc…… they can blame the victim…… and not put the blame and shame where it is needed….. with the abuser.

Because to actually believe that abuse can be so evil that it causes lifelong damage to many and can result in suicide.. will make it harder to have compassion for the abuser who caused the evil.

And if it is harder to have compassion for the abuser, it’s harder to look like and believe self as being these wonderful, compassionate people, who have compassion for everyone. Plus, it is easier for them to deal directly with these people.

Of course it is easier to deal with sex offenders, serial rapists, paedophiles, psychopaths etc – if you minimize the evil they caused’ intentionally’, if you make excuses for them. That makes it much easier to be nice to them.

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I have waves of complete sadness for disordered, abusive people…

I do have waves of complete sadness and compassion for abusive people – to the point where I cry, because I don’t want their lives to be what they are – for ‘their’ sakes.

Then I wonder if this is unhealthy and I am being pulled back into their desire for me to feel sorry for them, when I know – they do not in any way feel any compassion, remorse or guilt for anything they do. And I know they ‘want’ people to feel sorry for them, so they can continue what they are doing.

These emotions confuse me.

And I know I do have empathy for even the worst types of abusive people. Like paedophiles, psychopaths, malignant narcissists.

I struggle between having empathy……. and knowing this can be the slippery slope to what Satan wants.

I see others who think they have compassion, and mercy and forgiveness – and they enable abusers, minimize what they do, attach neutral words to who they are and what they do…… and think that’s wisdom. It’s not – it’s Satan’s work.

And I know it’s not wisdom.

But, I still can’t help feeling so sorry for anyone who is so fucked up, they choose dark, abusive needs, and enjoy it, or have no willingness to deal with what they truly are.

Some people tell me my empathy is wrong and unhealthy.

Some tell me it is good.

Some tell me it isn’t enough and I need to view them in positive/neutral ways.

I think of Christian music and songs that say everyone needs forgiveness, mercy, compassion. But so many church people and people claiming to be Christians, get this so wrong.

Yes, everyone does need mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace ……. but in no way should that ever = enabling, condoning, minimizing, ignoring, avoiding or applying cheap grace.

I feel a great need within me – to make sure I am seeing this in the most healthy and wise way.

Am I there yet…… I really don’t know. But, I do see I am further along getting this, that many.