Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Perfect example of victim blaming by religious people “Catholic Church’s comments about Jill Meagher”


Someone needs to tell all these religious ‘abuser enablers’ to SHUT UP.

It is unbelievable to me, how many of them victim blame/shame. And how many go along with it, like sheep.

To blame Jill Meagher for what happened to her – being raped and murdered – completely takes away the 100% responsibility of the murderer/rapist’s actions and choices and the responsibility of those let him out of prison on bail, ‘knowing’ he would likely attack again – therefore, failing to protect society.

I totally agree that we need to be careful – but that in NO way means that when a predator attacks someone, that the blame should be given to the victim.

Religious people can be the most fucked up people of all when it comes to abusers, and abuse.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Is your partner a narcissist? …….. I couldn’t read them all. Highlights all my emotional self harming.


So depressing.

My husbands traits……. all listed out……. one after another.

I got to the lying and manipulating and had to stop.

This just highlights how much self harming I have done in my life.

Way too many narcissistic and sociopathic people.

All to hurt me more.

Thanks mother – you did your best to fuck up my life and you succeeded. You taught me how to accept abuse, believe I deserve it and deserve noting else and to keep hurting myself, the way you enjoyed inflicting.

I don’t do drunk texting…… I do drunk emailing…. :/

I am getting much better at not reacting when sober. I’m pretty good at that now. Self control is definitely increased. A lot!

But tonight (and drinking does not happen often)….. I am a little drunk and have sent an email …….. I now cannot un-email :-/


Ahhh well, it only contains the truth about how I feel and it is a nice email, although probably not entirely appropriate.

Note to self………….. Never. Email. Drunk. Ever!!


Alcohol…….is my milk.

I’ve been drinking alcohol since I was 13/14 years old. And I’ve had issues with it since then.

It is a significant factor in my life, particularly with regard to sex. It is very common for child sexual abuse survivors, to have alcohol and intimacy issues ~ both physically, psychologically and emotionally. And they can be very different for everyone and fluctuate between different abuse related issues, many endure. Often creating deep levels of shame.

I’ve drunk a lot of alcohol in my life, and I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, and the two go together in my mind…….’like milk with coffee’.

Yes, you can drink coffee without milk and many do, but it is very bitter……in my experience. And that bitterness, I do not wish to repeat.

I do not like and cannot drink coffee ~ without milk. The milk makes it far easier to drink. And I like my coffee, made with milk, not water and splash of milk.

And I am addicted to coffee….I know that.

And I am addicted to coffee, made with milk. Continue reading

The death of relationships and estrangement. And why it is worse, than someone dying.

This was good reading and helpful to have emotions, grieving and how this continues on, validated. I don’t have my emotions validated much and I always have to research myself and find info that helps me understand it is normal and okay to feel the way I do.

Needing to deal with my past and all the abuse and just how toxic my family members are, led to mutual estrangement because my family hate anything being discussed and exposed, so the estrangement is not actually in my control, it is their choice due to their inability to deal with truth and reality.

Where this article talks about a mother’s pain being estranged from her adult child…….this will also apply to the adult child who has been estranged from toxic family.


“You’re Dead To Me,” Why Estrangement Hurts So Much

During the early stages of researching family estrangement I received a phone call from a woman named Cathy*. She didn’t want to be a part of my research. She needed to tell me something. I didn’t realise how important or memorable it would be until I interviewed more and more people and the same theme emerged. She told me that she was a mother of two children – both were lost to her. One had died from cancer in his teens and the other had estranged in her early 20s. I will never forget her words: “The pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable– it hurts so, so much more”.

(this will equally apply to being in my situation, where it is the adult child who has lost parents, due to estrangement)

When a person is estranged by a family member, they generally experience a range of immediate grief, loss and trauma responses. Bodily responses such as shaking, crying and feeling faint are common, alongside emotional responses such as disbelief, denial and anger. People often ruminate over the estrangement event or the events that led up to the estrangement. Over time, most acute emotions and bodily responses seem to decrease in intensity, and generalised feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment might emerge.

Even when the estrangement has continued for years or decades, many people suggest the pain persists or re-occurs at particular times. Triggers such as birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day and funerals are difficult. So are sightings of the estranged person, or hearing about them from others. Triggers can sometimes cause a person to re-live and re-experience the initial grief, loss and trauma responses, while other times they can be managed.

Continue reading

Frozen Cosmo’s, swimming in beautiful balmy pool water, in the beautiful evening summer air.

I adore frozen cosmo’s, especially in this Aussie summer weather…..which I have just about come to adapt to…..along with Christmas in the hot weather. Being from the UK…..Christmas in hot, humid weather…..very weird to get used to…

Anyways, back to the cosmo’s……they are so delicious. I buy those buckets, where you just add water and vodka and freeze them up…….and hey presto……delicious frozen treats.

Recently I have taken to having evening swims by myself in our pool at about 10pm, 11 pm and I love it. Absolutely the best time to swim. It’s quiet, the pretty lights are on my fairy garden, the pool water is beautiful….I love it. It feels very different, swimming in the night time. Like it’s for adults only.

So, I’ll be taking another of these frozen treats out by the pool soon and having some peace and quiet, sipping my cosmo’s, doing a few laps in the balmy water, relaxing, admiring my fairy garden.

Do my best to put all my troubles aside and just enjoy this time alone, getting slightly drunk and enjoying the beautiful summer night-time air and the delicious warm pool water.

The only reason I am not drinking tonight, is we have run out.

My planning, organisational and practicality capacity, are all pretty poor these days.

Getting drunk.


Kids and husband are in bed.

I am getting drunk, so I can get rid of these vile memories and thoughts out of my head.

Headphones on, music cranked up, alcohol going down very easily.

Poem  – She Drinks


Pain to be obliterated

Not feel it anymore

Never ending fucked up life

Burns to the very core

  Continue reading