This was good reading and helpful to have emotions, grieving and how this continues on, validated. I don’t have my emotions validated much and I always have to research myself and find info that helps me understand it is normal and okay to feel the way I do.
Needing to deal with my past and all the abuse and just how toxic my family members are, led to mutual estrangement because my family hate anything being discussed and exposed, so the estrangement is not actually in my control, it is their choice due to their inability to deal with truth and reality.
Where this article talks about a mother’s pain being estranged from her adult child…….this will also apply to the adult child who has been estranged from toxic family.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-conflict/201410/you-re-dead-me-why-estrangement-hurts-so-much-0
“You’re Dead To Me,” Why Estrangement Hurts So Much
During the early stages of researching family estrangement I received a phone call from a woman named Cathy*. She didn’t want to be a part of my research. She needed to tell me something. I didn’t realise how important or memorable it would be until I interviewed more and more people and the same theme emerged. She told me that she was a mother of two children – both were lost to her. One had died from cancer in his teens and the other had estranged in her early 20s. I will never forget her words: “The pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable– it hurts so, so much more”.
(this will equally apply to being in my situation, where it is the adult child who has lost parents, due to estrangement)
When a person is estranged by a family member, they generally experience a range of immediate grief, loss and trauma responses. Bodily responses such as shaking, crying and feeling faint are common, alongside emotional responses such as disbelief, denial and anger. People often ruminate over the estrangement event or the events that led up to the estrangement. Over time, most acute emotions and bodily responses seem to decrease in intensity, and generalised feelings of hurt, betrayal and disappointment might emerge.
Even when the estrangement has continued for years or decades, many people suggest the pain persists or re-occurs at particular times. Triggers such as birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day and funerals are difficult. So are sightings of the estranged person, or hearing about them from others. Triggers can sometimes cause a person to re-live and re-experience the initial grief, loss and trauma responses, while other times they can be managed.
Continue reading →
