Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Music continues to be my company.

My husband works shifts, so I spend most evenings alone. I like my own company, but as I don’t watch much TV, I listen to music a lot.

Music has always kept me company during the many, many years I have been alone. Since being a teenager.

I love Lana’s voice and lyrics. They always have a depth I relate to, mostly about my past, some about the present.

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Not ‘needing’ people, is an unusual place to be at.

My capacity for being alone, for completely looking after myself with no help from others, to not rely on, or need people emotionally, has given me such depths of resilience and independence. I used to hate being alone, now I cherish it.

I do need people on a practical level for some things, but even then my capacity for taking care of myself physically and the levels of resourcefulness I have needed throughout my life…. are pretty deep.

I see people who are needy for others, a lot. And I’m not saying that is wrong at all, but different to myself.

I do have connections to people, people I care about and choose to spend time with, for various reasons. But I don’t need people. I help people, but rarely receive anything back that is needed and meaningful for me and who I am.

My first counsellor said to me “you will always be someone who can give so much more than you will receive back”. She was right. She is wise woman. Continue reading


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Resigned acceptance of knowing a part of me, will always be alone.

My first counsellor told me no-one can be trusted 100%. It was a shock to me then, because trust and honesty are two things I had been searching for in others my entire life, until that point. This being due to the highly toxic environment I was raised in, where I was very alone.

Despite still subconsciously wanting to trust people and trying to do that over the last few years, I do now know 100%, no-one can be trusted. The only person I can trust and rely on, is myself. And I only need myself to trust.

It’s been a process, consolidated by recent events, that have led to me to this resigned acceptance. Continue reading


It is very freeing, to not emotionally ‘need’ people.

free

When you don’t ‘need’ people, it becomes very freeing. I choose to be around people and have connections, but I cherish my own company. I cherish my time alone and need that, more than connections to people.

I am obviously around my husband and we parent our children and have our family. So there are practical, family level needs. But, other than our children and gardening, we have nothing else in common and we are very different people. I don’t have a soul/emotional connection with him, due to our vast differences. I care about him, but I don’t ‘need’ him.

I have some friends and I enjoy their company and I am interested in their lives and their needs. But, I don’t require or need anything back. And I don’t expect anything back.

I enjoy volunteering, because I know it is helping others in a way they need, not what I need. It’s important to me, to help people who are in need… the marginalised, the oppressed, the abused, the needy, the elderly etc.

I no longer need counselling. My first counsellor told me I do most of my own healing/counselling and she was right. That continued on and everything I have needed to heal, I worked out for myself. I don’t need any validation of what I know and feel, my discernment and my capacity for deep thought.

I am secure in my understanding of myself, my journey and of humanity.

I’ve always been very independent and very resourceful, since being a child. It gave me levels of inner strength needed, to be alone. I’ve been alone all my life, even whilst surrounded by people. I used to hate this disconnection from people. The aloneness. Felt this huge part of my life missing, due to the hole in my soul where a caring loving, family should have been. It made me feel deeply flawed, deeply weird, terribly unloved and very different. I hated that. But now I know who I am Continue reading


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Always fighting the lifelong battle about being alone.

I have a love/hate relationship with being alone. I love being alone and I need it. The introvert, wise old soul part of me, that needs space and solitude. I also at times, feel desperately lonely.

Due to my past – I’ve only ever known unhealthy relationships, with unhealthy, self serving, shallow people.

I’ve completely given up on human interaction of the depth, integrity and honesty I need. I accept that due to all I have already endured, all I have learned as a result, I need non shallow, non superficial relationships, with depth, honesty, trust and that has never existed in my life.

I will spend the rest of my life alone – even if surrounded by people – and I know that. I face a life of having to be what other people want from me, but not having my needs met.

This reminds me of things my first counsellor (who I really miss) said to me… “you are someone who can always give far more to others, than people can give back to you”. And she said other things to me like how I had “completely outgrown the church I used to attend”. And how my “spiritual/faith progression was way past most”. I see how this also relates to emotional needs progression too. I realise she was saying that I have outgrown most people.

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Poem – Solitary Bird

Poem – Solitary Bird

bird

Strange solitary bird

Always was, will always be

Flying alone

Flying free

Surviving all weathers

Storms, gales & rain

Surviving chaos

Time and again.

No escaping their weathers

Forever unrelenting

Challenging painful climates

Never seem to be ending

Needing to seek safety

By staying alone

Seeking refuge within

Little world of her own

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Alone.

alone

I am aware…the only reason I have needed to spend more and more time alone over the last 6 months, and try to enjoy that and prefer that, is because I have been/am surrounded by the wrong people.

I’ve always been alone.

I’ve always been around unhealthy people, who have agenda’s and their own interests at heart. I’ve never had anyone who genuinely has my interests and wellbeing at heart.


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Not dealing with any issues that I don’t have to deal with.

I’ve shut down my community page, to avoid dealing daily with people’s negative issues …. the complaining, nastiness, selfishness and sense of entitlement to do so. When I am low…. every time on log on, I have anxiety that I know someone will have got nasty, twisted what I have written, made accusations and assumptions, not caring that their words – hurt. Every day, I deal with someone’s need to vent their issues, onto me.

I don’t want to bother my online friends, as I know they have their own struggles and it isn’t fair to dump mine on them. Plus, I do have trust issues with people I only know over the internet. And that is no reflection of any of them at all, it is trust issues I have that are mine to deal with.

My counselling has ended and that was my only support I thought I had.

I’m running on a completely empty tank. You can’t give to others, when running on an empty tank.

I am completely alone, I have no support from anyone physically in my life. No hope. No energy. No way to make anything better. Feel abandoned, alone and severely depressed.

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Empathy, from someone about being alone and coping as best I can.

I am so thankful to have received these kind words, from someone who is a trauma/abuse survivor and has loving parents and has amazing support. But she still has the empathy capacity to understand that being alone, and coping with all I have, and not having support from loved ones, is so much harder.

And understands my honesty when I shared how I had literally reduced myself to begging my counsellor to say something nice to me and how I don’t have my shit together all the time, and definitely not now.


“Firstly, I applaud your honestly.

Secondly, I’m not a counsellor, let alone yours so I’m not sure if this will have the same effect, but here are some nice and honest things I am happy to tell you anytime. 

First off, I believe every person deserves empathy but someone such as yourself who gives it to so many people on a daily basis is especially deserving in my book. Not only are you valued and worthy because of the incredible work you do for other survivors but simply because you are you and that is reason enough.

I understand that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to feel safe with/ believe those good things but as you are well aware of, that’s just a survival response and I hope you’ll remember some times when you felt differently and know that it will get back there again.

Also, knowing that you don’t have much support apart from your counsellor, (no supportive family, friends nearby, correct?) makes your story of healing all the more amazing. I could not have done it without my family and I can’t imagine not having them to say things like that to “please say something nice,” etc.

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