I have a love/hate relationship with being alone. I love being alone and I need it. The introvert, wise old soul part of me, that needs space and solitude. I also at times, feel desperately lonely.
Due to my past – I’ve only ever known unhealthy relationships, with unhealthy, self serving, shallow people.
I’ve completely given up on human interaction of the depth, integrity and honesty I need. I accept that due to all I have already endured, all I have learned as a result, I need non shallow, non superficial relationships, with depth, honesty, trust and that has never existed in my life.
I will spend the rest of my life alone – even if surrounded by people – and I know that. I face a life of having to be what other people want from me, but not having my needs met.
This reminds me of things my first counsellor (who I really miss) said to me… “you are someone who can always give far more to others, than people can give back to you”. And she said other things to me like how I had “completely outgrown the church I used to attend”. And how my “spiritual/faith progression was way past most”. I see how this also relates to emotional needs progression too. I realise she was saying that I have outgrown most people.
Throughout my entire life, I have had continual messages from others that abuse is ‘not that bad’ and I shouldn’t complain and just tolerate it.
My family of origin did this. They made it very clear I was not to complain or say anything they did was wrong.
When the psychopath went to prison, he got 15 months and was out in 9 months for ‘good behaviour’ and clearly that meant that to others, what he did to me was ‘not that bad’.
During my first marriage, his friends and parents told me his alcoholic/gambling/abusive behaviours were okay and I should not complain.
During all the trauma from the Baptist Church, everyone involved let me know that what they did ‘was not that bad’ and people really believe they are good people and I was the problem.
Now in my marriage, even my own counsellor who defends abusers continually – uses positive/neutral words for them – wants me to believe I can have an ‘adequately abusive’ relationship.
So it must be me ……. I must be the one that’s wrong and maybe abuse is not that bad and abusers are good people and I am the bad person for saying differently.
Maybe I have this twisted idea that abuse is horrendous and it isn’t, its okay really.
Maybe I should just tolerate it quietly, endure it and not complain.
Maybe I do deserve it.
Maybe I never deserved any better.
Maybe it is my ego that believes I deserve to be treated with respect and loved and cared about and I am wrong. And I do deserve all I have endured.
Maybe all these abusive people are in fact good people and I am the terrible person for considering differently and saying what they do, is wrong.
Maybe abuse is just part of life and I should quit whinging and just accept it.
This is very clear and obvious to me.
Many Christians are led by fear that if they don’t act a certain way….they are being bad Christians and will be punished by God.
They also believe in too many other unhealthy people who claim to be Christians, like Joyce Meyer, Brian Houston – who are so clearly not Christians modelling Jesus, at all. And I am thankful to have had this validated in Christian counselling, by mature Christians, who do have wisdom.
Anyone who believes in these very ungodly TV evangelists, shows little spiritual discernment to me, or maturity in their faith. Putting them on pedestals and following them, is a path that takes you in completely the wrong direction, led by Satan.
And I am reminded of the stages of faith…..with most being stuck at stage 3…….not understanding there is more maturity to be found.
And we can see here, in this diagram…..that shame is a big factor in staying stuck at the immature stage of faith.
These fear and shame driven Church people, believe they will have their rewards in heaven for living their lives, based upon fear and shame driven behaviours.
They are shamed by this view of how we need to live, and often this means tolerating abusive behaviour from others and will find something from this, to justify why they ‘should’ be continuing this way.
Christianity has far too much unhealthy and abusive behaviour occurring within it and sadly this is also what is then modelled to the rest of the world.
God never expect us to be weak….tolerating abuse…..being martyrs……being hurt…..etc. Often they don’t have the courage or capacity to deal with it, in a more healthy way. And will assume anyone else with more maturity, must be wrong.
A lot of Christians will hide behind their version of what it is to be a Christian to ‘rationalise’ their behaviours…….these behaviours actually being motivated by fear, shame and lack of courage.
Which is sad.
You can spend your life trying to fill the empty void in your heart, that remains after prolonged child abuse and neglect.
But, that’s all it is….a constant chasing a way to fill that void.
That deep hole in your soul.
But it never goes away.
It’s always there, no matter how much you try to fill it with a job, a career, hobbies, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex….whatever coping strategy, chosen.
Even your own family, children, don’t fill it. Because they don’t fulfil those needs.
I accept I will never be free from this aloneness.
Acceptance…….is needed……….because it destroys you even further to keep holding onto some deluded belief of possible change.
I wrote a blog about people being ‘hopeful….stupid, but hopeful’.
We can all be hopeful, as a way of deluding ourselves that something will get better.
I know this is what I have always done. I realise I am too intelligent and too honest……to keep deluding myself any longer.
My sense of wanting to be alone, is increasing and has been for some time. I crave being alone and have accepted that whether alone, or around people, I will feel lonely.
It is easier to manage feeling alone, when alone….
Than it is to feel alone, when not alone.
I think I have had so much negative interaction with people, I am done with people. As in, having relationships with people.
I didn’t used to be like this. In fact, I didn’t like being alone. I loved socialising, even though I realise now, there was always a level of anxiety at being around anyone.
I think when you have endured so much harm, so much betrayal, so many people let you down and you know you are different to other people…..it does increase a sense of just giving up.
I have always felt alone, even when socialising and while doing what society says you should be doing to be enjoying life.
People will say this is ‘me’ and my issues.
Well my answer to all of what I deal with….
It isn’t what’s ‘wrong’ with me,
it’s about what ‘happened to me’.
There is a famous Mother Teresa quote that states ‘The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved’.
I will go further and add….’and total loss of hope that it can get better.’
I know terminal aloneness.
I know being unloved by the people you are with.
I know being unloved by those you love.
I know the pain of all the significant people in your life, not loving you.
And worse hurting you, badly.
I know how it feels, to know you cannot trust anyone, or believe they won’t leave, because everyone does.
I know having no hope for this to improve, or get better.
I feel this now.
Complete lack of hope.
Complete terminal aloneness.
Complete lack of being loved.
Along with a mind full of painful memories.
And a heart more heavy, than is bearable.
Sometimes I like to pretend it’s gone.
But, it’s never gone.
That crushing, terminal aloneness…I know so well.
It’s how it’s always been. Since childhood. It’s always there.
Either just under the surface.
Or rising up and reminding me, of it’s dark solitude.
It’s ever present need to consume me.
Remind me. Torment me. Persecute me. Isolate me. Invade me. Shame me.
I don’t deserve anything else.