I have been through hell and I am not going to minimize that for the comfort of others. I need to deal with my past fully and yet there are obstacles to do that.
I am only too aware of the damage that suppressing and minimizing trauma causes. And yet I am still suppressing my emotions about the first 20 years of my life. I am suppressing them, and internalising it into depression, because I have no-one in my life who can help me deal with it. And I realise I cannot do that on my own.
I am aware I need to talk it through and express every bit of pain, hurt, anger, disgust, betrayal – with someone who is actually listening. Someone who does not invalidate and minimize that. Someone who doesn’t project their own opinions …. rejecting my thoughts, feelings and emotions in the process.
If I want to have sheer disgust at what was done to me and about those who enjoyed harming me – I will. Continue reading
I have many profound reasons to be very angry about all the abuse and trauma I have endured in my life. And the deep consequences.
I have every right to be angry at all the people who made choices to harm. Right from my mother, through to every person who has chosen to abuse me, hurt me, betray me, through to my current husband.
Yet every time that anger bubbles up, I suppress it. Because I have always been told anger is wrong. Especially anger at abusers. Plus I don’t want to be an angry person. It makes me feel like a bad person. Even when I do sometimes get angry at my husbands manipulative/passive aggressive/lying behaviours, I end up feeling pain and depression.
I know I suppress anger. I can feel it within me right now. But, I cannot let myself go there for long enough to be of therapeutic value.
I end up hating myself, for being angry. And wishing I could be dead, instead. The voices of the past haunt me about how being angry with them, is so bad of me.
Good article on not suppressing emotions and not being expected to.
Too many Christians, believe we can’t have emotions of anger etc, so they suppress them….which is never healthy.
I am aware having PTSD, means my emotions and previous trauma get re-activated when triggered.
The self hatred stuff I felt earlier, turned into feeling angry about those who abused me and caused all of this deep harm in my life I have endured for 43 years. Fucking up my entire life.
Then triggered even further seeing all the Mark Driscoll stuff, which I knew about all along…..all triggering all the trauma and abuse I endured in a church and from a minister. Fucking up my life even more.
Then I read the famous author John Grisham is defending paedophiles, saying watching child porn is okay. Sick bastard. Triggering thoughts of paedophile abuse I have endured.
I don’t want to think about these sick fucking people any more.
I don’t want all this triggered.
I just want to get on with my life and not think about any of it.
I FUCKING HATE PTSD
I FUCKING HATE ABUSE
I FUCKING HATE THAT SICK PEOPLE HURT OTHERS AND DON’T CARE.
I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE ENDURED TOO MUCH OF THIS.
I HATE THIS SICK FUCKING WORLD I HAVE TO ENDURE.
These are terms used, about what can be the affects of being abused in childhood.
The externalised abuser, absorbs the abusers and becomes one – externally continuing and repeating the trauma hurting others.
The internalised abuser, absorbs the abusers and becomes one – internally continuing and repeating the trauma, hurting self.
I am the latter.
And whilst I would rather be neither, if I had to pick one, it would definitely be the latter.
So horrible to think about and know, but true. And I have to know this, to address what has been my past subconscious behaviours and why.
Abuse, is horrendous.
I can barely type this. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.
Allowing myself to feel the depth of anger and emotions I have recently, is exhausting. I had to go out earlier and I was literally dragging myself around. My husband even said I was ‘not all there’.
I got really angry about my mother earlier. New depths of anger I have never felt.
I know I need to feel this anger. I know I need to get it out of me. I know it is absolutely appropriate to feel it.
But, now I have that nagging little voice within me, saying “your mother is a really mentally unwell woman, so don’t hate her.” Continue reading
I don’t want to do either.
There is no point. I can’t handle people’s assumptions, people minimizing what I have endured, people ‘telling’ me the way I think is wrong/bad. People trying to turn me into someone ‘not abused’ severely for decades.
I need someone highly trained and insightful into Complex PTSD.
At the hospital yesterday, I noted that I told them I had Complex PTSD, and they kept referring it to PTSD.
I don’t have only PTSD. I have many symptoms that fall outside of the PTSD diagnosis. If they don’t believe Complex PTSD exists, then I am not bothering to talk to them.
I don’t have it in me, to go through all this again, with someone new. Two years of talking in counselling, and I still wasn’t understood. How ‘shaming’ me about the way I view and describe abusers, cuts me like a knife. How I’ve been shamed all my life and I cannot handle anymore.
If I want to say one of my abusers is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a paedophile, or evil – I will say it. And I definitely cannot handle the minimization and invalidation that occurs from that.
I do not have to think of abusers in any nice terms, at all and I won’t. I don’t hate them, I wish their mental health wasn’t the way it is, but I do not have to feel sorry for them, or be in denial of as the deliberate actions they chose to hurt me, repeatedly.
If people wish to view them differently, well that’s their choice and yes I see it makes the whole issues of abuse more palatable, but I don’t live in denial. I am sick of other people’s agenda’s affecting me. Continue reading
Stacks of amazing insight and info on here, and I intend buying several more of her books too.
It will help me put into words, more of what I have already processed, as to the affects of child abuse and why it is condoned by so many in society.
Dr Alice Miller, is one of few in the psychiatry/psychology world, prepared to say the truth many wish to avoid.
Her son – Martin Miller has stated “I remember now often how my mother said: “.. You know, the therapists are all alike, they are shit-scared of recognizing the truth!” And today when I look at this debate and the handling with victims of abuse, I think then: She was right.”
Alice Miller states – the perpetrator of abuse, is completely responsible for the abuse he/she commits and too many in society make excuses for perpetrators.
And the victim ‘must’ put the blame squarely onto the perpetrator, to allow themselves to move from believing they are in any way a ‘sinner’ – to being the victim. Because the abuse is ‘never’ the victims ‘sin’. It is always the abusers.
Bravo!! Someone with the balls to say it.
In this link, it was good to see someone in Christianity taking note and it was very interesting reading this, as it reflects much of what I believe and where too many Christians do the opposite and harm abuse victims even more.