Talking with my counsellor yesterday, and it helps to know the issues I pick up on in some, are about emotional development delays.
When dealing with someone who is absolutely and continually self obsessed, only ever talks about self, is consumed by own life and issues, is not interested in the lives/issues of others (shows lip service only), has immature behaviours and little self awareness ……. I see clearly the emotional developmental delays. It is like dealing with a 3 year old.
It is very draining to deal with someone like this, so boundaries are needed. Which I have.
My counsellor knows more of the psychology based terms for these emotional developmental delays, of which I don’t always remember. But, I do pick up on them and work out what they are about. And I do have compassion for these issues.
It is also why I see the overlap of narcissism, within people who are emotionally developmentally delayed. Narcissism being total self absorption, lack of empathy or concern for others, often a lack of self awareness or capacity to be honest about self, lack of capacity to think rationally etc. This often combined with many cognitively distortion patterns of thinking and unhealthy behaviours.
It is also helpful to always remember, to not personalise their issues. Because their issues, are all their own and they will act in childish, hurtful ways to others. And the sad part is, their issues make them unhappy and then affect others. Which I don’t want for them. Continue reading
Last year, I was supporting a person who claimed to be a survivor of paedophile abuse. I had connected with this person on Twitter and blogged about this person and shared many posts. Those blog posts have now been deleted.
More recently, it has come to light this person may in fact be a paedophile. And there are many on Twitter, sharing info that is deeply concerning.
And I am aware of the lengths paedophiles will go to, to access vulnerable people. I am aware of the depths of manipulation they go to, to groom people and how they can very successful and how driven they are at this. It was odd to me, this person used to tweet to known paedophiles, albeit to apparently let them know, he was ‘on to’ them. I don’t know if any of the accusations are correct, but it is enough info, to make me know to stay well away.
This person, plus all those involved in the continual bickering and abusive posting continually going on based in the UK, have all been blocked from my Twitter. I have better boundaries now, than to be involved.
It has made me think about what I post and to be very wary of posting and sharing social media posts, about individual people, who I do not know. And therefore, do not have any real awareness of who they really are. Continue reading
Personal boundaries, protect us from the unhealthy issues of others. They protect our wellbeing and our healing. They are not a luxury, they are a necessity. And I no longer feel guilty about insisting on having them.
Having healthy boundaries, makes you a safe person. And not having them, makes you unsafe.
I have noticed some people with unhealthy boundaries, also have a lack respect for others and this shows in a range of behaviours. This makes them unsafe. And caution is needed.
I accept some people don’t have self insight into their issues and have unhealthy boundary issues as a result. Some people even when you raise the issues with them, they are unlikely Continue reading
When dealing with a journey with so much abuse and trauma, it is normal and appropriate to want those closest to us, to care about what we have endured. And offer kind words, when we need them. When they don’t, it’s hurtful (again normal emotions) and perpetuates the lifelong issues, of those we love not having any compassion or empathy, when we truly needed them to.
So, when dealing with people who clearly lack empathy (even if they don’t realise it), it is helpful to remember, not to expect empathy from someone who lacks capacity for it. Some people are very limited in their ability to see other people’s pain, have any empathy and it is always healthier, to not expect anything from them. Some people can’t even offer sympathy. And some turn every conversation, into being about themselves.
Expectation, of emotionally/EQ limited people, is a futile and emotional waste of time. That can, if you allow it, cause a lot of hurt. Because, they truly do not care. For whatever reason. Continue reading
I stopped using Facebook for quite a while, for various reasons and I enjoyed the long break. I started using it again a few months ago, only for personal friends and those currently in my life.
But, I feel a little break is needed, for several reasons. Which are not needed to be hashed out. We all need to do what’s best for our lives and I have learned that is necessary for me too. My friends will keep in contact by other means.
Social media, is a not an imperative need in life. Not mine, anyway. Not in my personal life. I want to live in real life.
Sometimes, you just have to face reality, and move on.
When people consistently behave in a way that is unhealthy and harmful, you have to accept they won’t change. But you don’t have to tolerate it. Or personalise it. Continue reading
Boundaries from unhealthy people, has been a much needed learning curve for me. You don’t learn healthy boundaries when raised in a highly dysfunctional, abusive home. Especially where both parents are abusive and had no healthy boundaries themselves.
It becomes ‘normal’ ‘familiar’ to be around toxic/unhealthy people and not have enough self respect and self worth to keep a healthy distance. It’s how people can get hurt/traumatised repeatedly and not understand why. Toxic people also sense soft boundaries and that causes further trauma occurring.
I’ve worked hard on my self worth, self respect, self care and boundaries. When they are tested, I see the improvement. I don’t allow toxic in my life anymore. I also don’t allow the toxic of others, to rent room in my head anymore. I don’t rise to the bait. I don’t allow the issues of others, to become about me. I leave it where it originated.
Testing situations can arise and in the past and even a few years ago, I would have ‘taken the bait’. Now I do not. It is a much needed act of self care, self compassion, self worth and self growth. Self control, impulse control having all increased. This also reduces emotions rising, when I can easily see these issues, are not about me.
In fact every person who has harmed me, had their own severe issues, that were never anything to do with me. If it wasn’t me they hurt, it would have been someone else. Continue reading
This applies to anyone who you know cannot be in your life and where you are able to have no contact. This applies to toxic/unhealthy/abusive family, friends, ex’s.
If they continue to be toxic, there is no need to keep them in your life in any way. We don’t need to be martyrs to people who cause us harm, where they have no intention of ceasing causing harm. To stay in contact and continue to be harmed, is an act of emotional self harm. Continue reading
I am completely honest that boundaries and balance were never my strong points. They often aren’t, when you have grown in a toxic environment with unhealthy parents. It is common in complex trauma survivors to have inappropriate boundaries, when you never learned them.
It takes self insight and self honesty, to admit this and address it. It takes courage…. and it needs to be addressed, for any change and healing to occur. Continue reading