Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Cheap grace……… the ruin of many church people ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

Reading through ‘The Cost Of Discipleship’ – Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and it is challenging for me. Many terms used I don’t know, and Bonhoeffer is clearly way beyond my intellectual level, but I am attempting to take it in.

This is going to take time for me to read, and digest. And that’s okay. God, Jesus, my faith, are worth it. And I need spiritually feeding and nourishing and I need that from wise and spiritually progressed Christians.

This following section, I understand.

This cheap grace has been no less disastrous to our own spiritual lives. Instead of opening up the way to Christ it has closed it. Instead of calling us to follow Christ, it has hardened us in our disobedience.

Perhaps we had once heard the gracious call to follow him, and had at this command even taken the first few steps along the path of discipleship in the discipline of obedience, only to find ourselves confronted by the word of cheap grace. Was that not merciless and hard?

The only effect that such a word could have on us was to bar our way to progress, and seduce us to the mediocre level of the world, quenching the joy of discipleship by telling us that we were following a way of our own choosing, that we were spending our strength and disciplining ourselves in vain – all of which was not merely useless, but extremely dangerous.

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I don’t do ‘cheap grace’ and ‘cheap forgiveness’. That’s for immature church people.

I am not wrong because I do not engage in cheap grace or cheap forgiveness.

I understood how these were wrong, even before I read about them. I am often very aware of bad theology and poor, disordered behaviours, long before I even read the views of others about this.

I know I have been identified as being well past the faith stage of most Christians, most church people.

Yet these very immature church people, often preach and project their own issues with this, onto others, demanding others do the same. I wish they would be quiet, and stop preaching what Satan wants.


One of the contemporary church’s pillars of thought is the recent notion that our chief business as Christians is forgiveness—forgiveness of everyone, all the time, without exception, and without confession or repentance as a prerequisite. In its present form, it appears to be just another version of what German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer called “cheap grace.” He defined this phenomenon as follows:

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without repentance, is baptism without church discipline, is communion without confession of sins, is absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without the living and incarnate Jesus Christ. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Nachfolge, 15th ed. Munich: Christian Kaiser Verlag, 1985, 14).

Christian counselors and motivational speakers today advise us that our responsibility is to forgive all those who do us wrong. We are called upon to forgive immediately, without waiting for the offender to ask for forgiveness, or even before he senses the need for it. We’re reminded, “We’re all sinners in God’s sight. All sin is equally bad.” Or, “If we don’t offer this kind of forgiveness, then God will not forgive us,” and, “Jesus’ blood covers it all anyway!”

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I have waves of complete sadness for disordered, abusive people…

I do have waves of complete sadness and compassion for abusive people – to the point where I cry, because I don’t want their lives to be what they are – for ‘their’ sakes.

Then I wonder if this is unhealthy and I am being pulled back into their desire for me to feel sorry for them, when I know – they do not in any way feel any compassion, remorse or guilt for anything they do. And I know they ‘want’ people to feel sorry for them, so they can continue what they are doing.

These emotions confuse me.

And I know I do have empathy for even the worst types of abusive people. Like paedophiles, psychopaths, malignant narcissists.

I struggle between having empathy……. and knowing this can be the slippery slope to what Satan wants.

I see others who think they have compassion, and mercy and forgiveness – and they enable abusers, minimize what they do, attach neutral words to who they are and what they do…… and think that’s wisdom. It’s not – it’s Satan’s work.

And I know it’s not wisdom.

But, I still can’t help feeling so sorry for anyone who is so fucked up, they choose dark, abusive needs, and enjoy it, or have no willingness to deal with what they truly are.

Some people tell me my empathy is wrong and unhealthy.

Some tell me it is good.

Some tell me it isn’t enough and I need to view them in positive/neutral ways.

I think of Christian music and songs that say everyone needs forgiveness, mercy, compassion. But so many church people and people claiming to be Christians, get this so wrong.

Yes, everyone does need mercy, compassion, forgiveness, grace ……. but in no way should that ever = enabling, condoning, minimizing, ignoring, avoiding or applying cheap grace.

I feel a great need within me – to make sure I am seeing this in the most healthy and wise way.

Am I there yet…… I really don’t know. But, I do see I am further along getting this, that many.

Found out today, about more corruption going on in a church.

I won’t say where and who is involved, but this doesn’t surprise me and I had already sensed this may occur.

Spiritual abuse and bullying (narcissism/sociopathy), goes on more within churches more than most church people want to admit.

It’s obvious to me as well, that where there are people who are not blind to this darkness….there will be more abuse occurring,  to get them out. Satan works harder against those who will call out the darkness in others.

And there will be all those blind to the truth, blind to what is obviously occurring….all going along with it, or ignoring/avoiding it. All enabling this darkness to continue and increase, but they won’t admit that to themselves, or accept what they do is wrong. Their need to continue their actions, paramount above truth and goodness. Cheap grace often used and is a terrible darkness running throughout churches worldwide.

People always do what they need to do. Believe what they want to believe. Churches are full of such people.

Many victims of abuse occur as a result, and they are just forced out, and the abusers raised up as a result. All completely the opposite of what Jesus modelled.

It’s truly terrible.


‘Honour & Respect Your Abusive Parents’ – is more abuse. Church people….stop this.


I hate this crap that church people like to perpetuate………how it is a terrible sin to think badly of our parents, no matter what they do.

Grrrrr……..it is the abusive parents who sinned, abused us and stole our need and right to have parents we could honour and respect!

This is why I have to stay away from church people.

I can’t handle their emotionally, psychologically abusive, re-traumatising, spiritually abusive views about abuse and abusers. I see clearly why abuse is rife within Christianity and it bothers me, that so many non Christians see this clearly too – and think this is what God wants. He does not, at all.

But, I am not resilient to deal with it. It is self care to stay away from people who will hurt me more.

I can’t handle anymore hurt and so many are so immature in their faith, in their emotional intelligence. Yes, I get that is where they are at. No, I don’t hate them because of this, but I do not have to tolerate it and ignore it either.

They hurt far too many abuse survivors and that is not okay. These immature views, force abuse survivors to suppress their needed emotions, their healing. Which can take a long time and church people ‘judge’ that too. They think they are Jesus – to know how long someone’s healing ‘should’ take. Continue reading

It is a sad reflection of the world we live in when…

It is sad reflection of the world we live in…

Where you need to spend more time explaining

why you are empathic and compassionate and

receive more negativity and rejection about

having these virtues…..

Than you ever do, if you choose to be

selfish, egocentric and self serving.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am researching spiritual abuse/perpetrator protecting within organised Christianity.

These links have given me a lot of food for thought.








A life of subjection to ‘abuser protection’.

My life, has involved a lot of abuse. It is common and there are psychological reasons, why child abuse survivors, are far more vulnerable to further abuse in adulthood, and this has been the case for me.

The first 20 years of my life, were horrendous. My mother and step father, were abusers, who set me up to be abused. This was worse than abuser protection, is was the biggest betrayal a child can ever endure. the abuse I endured was horrific. My sisters are still in denial so are abuser protectors, defending their parents. 

I had a first marriage with domestic violence – physical violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse. My ex was an alcoholic, with a gambling addiction and enabling parents. So, everything become my fault. Even when beaten up by him. The two black eyes and split lip, were ‘my fault’, according to him and his parents.

I was bullied in work, eventually those people were sacked, due to fraud and there people who fully believed me. But, there were those who trashed me for stepping up and daring to report them.

I was abused my a church minister, and for two years, was subjected to spiritual abuse, minimization, abuser protecting, denial, scapegoating abuse, rejection, non belief, bullying, abandonment, trivialisation, cheap grace (which is abuse to the victim) and every single person involved, all the so called ‘mature Christians’ people I brought into this, failed me, caused further abuse on some level, some far greater than others – but ‘all’ further abused me emotionally. And the minister has been ‘promoted’ – the ultimate in ‘abuser protecting’, in fact a common issue of ‘raising up an abuser’ prevailed. My Christian doctor, stated in an email when I told her of this terrible news “I can understand why you are so distressed and I do not believe the Baptist Church have made a good decision”.

Too right it was a bad decision, and a complete failure by all involved and quite frankly I am aware none of them give a shit. It is evil prevailing. Abuse is evil. Raising up unrepentant abusers, is evil prevailing. And they all went along with it.

(see here for evidence of how much perpetrator protection goes on in organised Christianity, and this should not only apply to sexual abuse, it should apply to all forms of abuse http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/ )

I placed myself into positions of vulnerability every time I have had the courage to deal with this. It takes great courage, which requires vulnerability, to deal with abusive people in an appropriate way. I have that courage, I have that capacity to be vulnerable – to do what is right and needed. I have the courage to be vulnerable, to be honest about things that are embarrassing, deeply uncomfortable and painful – to make the right choices.

I will be told no doubt by some, I have ‘too great a sense of responsibility’, or claim it’s just ‘drama’ or whatever other nasty shit they want to hurt me with.

Bullshit, people just want to think that, so they

can justify to themselves their own lack

of courage and integrity to do what’s right.


They don’t have the courage I have,

so will find something negative in what I

do and who I am, to pull me down,

so they can appease their own conscience

and lack of courage, failures.


Sure, stay in denial, it’s easier there.


But don’t you dare try to bring me down

and hurt me more,

because of *your* own inner shame.

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I believe in WISDOM, when it comes to protecting our children. Not cheap grace.

I am a Christian, this does not mean I support ‘cheap grace’ as many Christians do.

I believe in wisdom.

And our children’s protection, being paramount.