Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I’m done thinking about the first 20 years of my life. As much as is possible, with PTSD.

I’ve spend enough time thinking about my childhood. Well, not that you could call it a childhood. I’ve spent enough time thinking and processing about the vile, disgusting excuses for human beings, who destroyed my childhood. I’ve processed enough of all they have done. All their intentional abuse. There is nothing that will change what they all did.

I do better now, when I don’t think about them. Thinking about them brings up too much pain, too many memories, too much suffering. They deserve nothing from me and I don’t deserve to have to endure any emotions about any of them. If they’re dead, they’re dead. What difference does it make. None.

So, I intend not thinking about any of it, as much as I possibly can. I can’t control my dreams and nightmares. I’ve accepted I will have them indefinitely. It’s cruel to have to endure them continually, but I have to accept it is the way it is. I accept severe PTSD is not curable, only manageable. I’ve also accepted I will always have re-experiencing issues of flashbacks, intrusive memories, which are also not in my control. But, I manage them better and as well as I can.

There is no good, that comes from thinking anymore Continue reading

“The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it.”

I love this quote.


There are many who do make others, feel their pain. And abuse people.

There are some who don’t. And they are the courageous and empathic souls, who know pain and suffering and don’t make others feel it too.

You can have empathy and a moral compass, despite what you have endured and abuse is never excusable. Continue reading


Wish I could erase my childhood & everyone who destroyed it, out of my mind.

Yesterday, I was really emotional for a few hours. About my mother. I truly wish I no longer had any emotions about her, or anyone from my childhood. I am really over thinking, dreaming, crying & feeling so many mixed emotions about them. All of them.

I realise it’s part of dealing with the horrendous reality of my childhood, and grieving which takes a long time. But, I just want to be over it, past it, and not have to think about any of my childhood, or any of the people who destroyed it.

They don’t deserve a single second of any further thought, or any tears, or for me to have to dream about them.

I wish I could erase my entire childhood and all emotions about it, out of my mind completely. Continue reading


Preventing child abuse and neglect, is a moral and economic imperative – Tonette Walker


I agree.

Pretending child abuse and neglect doesn’t exist, minimizing it, avoiding it, denying it, excusing it……. is not helping in any way.

People can harp on about compassion for abusive people, and forget the greater compassion needed for the child victims and keep perpetuating abuse in the process. Choose to believe they don’t intend to harm children, but that does not help children being abused and the physical and mental health lifelong issues it creates.

I am over people making excuses for those who intentionally abuse children. Continue reading

Twitter reminds me of all the many organisations helping abuse survivors.

helping hands

Twitter reminds me of all the organisations and charities helping so many survivors of abuse and trauma.

It reminds me of the wonderful and compassionate people helping so many and the tireless and needed work all done collectively in this world to help abuse survivors, and especially child abuse survivors.

I am so thankful for them all, and each and every person involved!! Continue reading


The first 20 years of my life, was surviving hell on earth.

When you are surrounded by evil, with not a single person to rely on, not a single person there for you in any healthy way… it is indeed a type of hell on earth.

My childhood was ‘living in the garden of evil’. Evil was occurring continually. Ongoing intentional abuse, sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, is evil.

I survived every kind of ongoing, severe abuse occurring, from those who were supposed to love, protect and cherish me. Endured the worst forms of betrayal. It should have killed me, and nearly has, many times.

I don’t minimise this anymore. I also do not justify or condone what any of these people did. I don’t make excuses for them. Not anymore. I validate, understand the depths of the harm caused, and the severe issues of those who caused it, condoned it, enabled it. And how deeply wrong all that was/is. Continue reading

I feel sad for Anna Duggar, but still more concerned for her children. The children are voiceless.


I agree with all of the above link. It is an intelligent assessment of the Duggar situation.

I agree with this….

“Although it is easy to judge Anna Duggar for her decision to stand by her man, it’s important to understand the psychology behind this imbalanced relationship. In Anna’s environment, victim-blaming and sexism seem to be just as powerful as the so-called Christian principles she’s following. Often, they go hand-in-hand.”

Victim blaming is rife in church circles and many other religions. I’ve written about that many times. But, this article doesn’t take into account the affect on their children. The increased threat of abuse and sexual abuse to their children. Most articles about the Duggars, don’t highlight the affect on their children. Continue reading


So glad to see the ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’ platitude, explained to be incorrect.


This research tells us that what doesn’t kill you doesn’t necessarily make you stronger; far more often, the opposite is true.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) (link is external)—which include emotional or physical neglect; verbal humiliation; growing up with an addicted or mentally ill family member; and parental abandonment, divorce, or loss — can harm developing brains, predisposing them to autoimmune disease, heart disease, cancer, depression, and a number of other chronic conditions, decades after the trauma took place.

Adult survivors of child abuse and trauma, are often given the message that we are supposed to be ‘stronger’ as a result of what has happened to us. Of course, this is for everyone else’s benefit, not the survivors.

Fact is, severe child abuse often does not make the survivor stronger and it is shame inducing to demand it should. Continue reading


Truth…. really hurts.

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse. Continue reading

1 Comment

My mother is a female child sex offender. A reality I don’t want to deal with.

Did some research on women who allow their children to be sexually abused. The list of reasons meant I could establish my mother’s reasons. She isn’t intellectually impaired. She wasn’t in fear of her husband and his friends. She is an intelligent and capable woman who knew right from wrong. She wanted her children abused. She was complicit in it.

She is a female child sex offender, as she ‘facilitated and aided men to sexually abuse her children’.

It was hard enough knowing this is what my step father was and how myself and my siblings grew within this highly abusive and toxic environment and is why we were all sexually abused.

But, to know my mother was not only complicit, but a very willing participant in this, is beyond painful to deal with. Continue reading