Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Typical paedophile attitude. They don’t believe child sexual abuse, is wrong, or a criminal act.


This confirms my suspicions about the child sexual abuse being condoned and enabled for years at St. Pauls School and Brisbane Grammar School.

Paedophile rings, are how it is able to be continued. And these rings are more common than is realised.

To say you did not know fondling a child’s genitals, is a criminal act, is typical of the type of attitude and thinking, paedophiles have. They don’t believe what they do is wrong, or illegal.

And this man is a head teacher of a school. They would know any form of child sexual abuse, is illegal. Continue reading

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When an apology, is not an apology at all. Brisbane Grammar School – Royal Commission.


Just saw this on the news. Someone who failed many boys at this school, enabling a paedophile to abuse many boys, knowing it was occurring and kept the paedophile on staff…..stated at the Royal Commission…

“If an apology will make them feel better, then I apologise”.

This is not a genuine apology. If is a forced apology, with no genuine intent. It is a ‘I have to apologise, because I am being made to’ – fake apology.

There was no apology prior to being forced to confront this by the Royal Commission. Prior to this, the boys abused, have never received an apology, or any acknowledgement of their pain and suffering and the failure of those who were meant to protect them.

Shame on every single person who has ever failed to protect children, knowing they are being abused in this most horrific way. Destroying lives, some destroyed to the extent it leads to suicides. Others having the entire lives so severely affected.

Shame on every single school, church, children’s/youth organisation etc – who choose to consider their image and reputation – as a greater need, than the safety of our most vulnerable in society.

And yes, they do need to feel shame. Because what they have done, is disgusting and has led to such deep suffering. Continue reading


No-one has a right to tell me how to feel about my mother.

It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.

I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.

Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.

I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.

And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.

I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.

I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.

I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.

And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away. Continue reading

Churches welcome sex offenders/paedophiles, but abuse gay people. Calling being gay an abomination.

I will never understand the mindset of church people who believe in welcoming paedophiles, sex offenders into their churches – offering up children as potential ‘sacrificial lambs’ in the process. They tell people the paedophiles/sex offenders must be forgiven, must be believed if they claim they won’t offend again. Bible texts are thrown about, with ‘we must not judge’ ‘we are all sinners’ generalisations projected. Grace, mercy etc are twisted to suit.

But….. if you are gay, well ‘that’ is the abominable sin. The terrible sin. The sin supposedly destroying Christianity. As per church people’s twisted interpretation, out of context, of OT verses.

If you are gay, you are pretty much not welcome, you won’t be allowed into ministry, you will be told your sexual orientation is sin and you cannot get married. Regardless of your heart, character and how good you are as a person. Regardless of how kind, compassionate, decent you are…… doesn’t matter. You’re gay.

But, paedophiles, sex offenders….. they have apparently not committed the abominable sin, and their intentional, deliberate and vile abuse they choose to make innocent children endure….. that’s okay. That’s forgivable, immediately. No judgment of their heart or behaviours allowed. And those who do have an opinion on this, are then deemed wrong. And paedophiles/sex offender types, know this. Know they will be protected and use this fully to their advantage. Continue reading


The first 20 years of my life, was surviving hell on earth.

When you are surrounded by evil, with not a single person to rely on, not a single person there for you in any healthy way… it is indeed a type of hell on earth.

My childhood was ‘living in the garden of evil’. Evil was occurring continually. Ongoing intentional abuse, sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, is evil.

I survived every kind of ongoing, severe abuse occurring, from those who were supposed to love, protect and cherish me. Endured the worst forms of betrayal. It should have killed me, and nearly has, many times.

I don’t minimise this anymore. I also do not justify or condone what any of these people did. I don’t make excuses for them. Not anymore. I validate, understand the depths of the harm caused, and the severe issues of those who caused it, condoned it, enabled it. And how deeply wrong all that was/is. Continue reading

People self soothe, self serve, with ‘theories’ about abusers.

I see clearly how people irrationally think or believe something, to self soothe, as a coping strategy, as a self serving need.

Clear example…. the theories for paedophilia. There is no cure for it. There are only theories about it’s causes. I’ve done my research.

Most paedophiles, have not been sexually abused. So people will theorise, it is some kind of abuse/neglect. But, that is all it is ….. a theory. There is no proven known cause. Nothing in neuroscience has identified a cause. Fact.

Why do people choose to believe theories? Like with most of humanity who choose to believe theories – there are a variety of reasons. In this case, it helps cope with the vile, disgusting facts of paedophilia. It rationalises why they have these thoughts/needs. Some like to believe theories, because they feel it makes them more compassionate (self serving). Some need to excuse/rationalise it, as the reality is too ‘vile’ to deal with (self soothing). Or both. Continue reading

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Corporal punishment/discipline, grooms children to stay silent about abuse.


I read this story of this man, and as I read through the abuse he also suffered from his parents, I could see clearly how these religious communities groom children for child sexual abuse. And why child sexual abuse is as prevalent as it is, within religious communities.

When authoritarian parents, who demand obedience and force children to not be able to speak up for themselves, and children live in fear of being hit, spanked, belted etc… they become easy targets for predators. Because they are already being abused. And they are far more likely to keep quiet.

I’ve seen this kind of parenting at a right wing, non empathy Baptist Church. Corporal punishment and physical discipline  heavily encouraged, from being babies. Parents who do not ‘follow like sheep’ are frowned upon, and made to feel like they are the bad parents. Parenting courses are completed in secret and only the sheeple are allowed to participate. All Satan led.

Not only is this abusive parenting which causes lifelong issues, but it can cause further issues. Predators love these types of religious communities. Children living in fear, don’t speak up when being sexually abused. And if they do, they are further treated badly and further abused. The ‘church’ often cares more about it’s reputation, than the children/victims. Families within religious communities, often care more about their reputation within the church, than their own children. Continue reading


There is a “greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

There is a famous quote… “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Maya Angelo

I understand the quote and the damage and consequences, of bearing an untold story within. Especially if it about abuse, neglect and trauma. I understand and see many of the psychological consequences of unresolved trauma. I see it everywhere. Society is full of it.

But, dealing with the reality and truth of my life and the past and ongoing consequences of the trauma I have endured, is greater agony, for me.

My past has affected too many areas of my life and continues to. Areas I cannot talk about. Not in counselling. Not with anyone. Dealing with that reality, is agony. It was easier when I didn’t understand all this.


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My mother is a female child sex offender. A reality I don’t want to deal with.

Did some research on women who allow their children to be sexually abused. The list of reasons meant I could establish my mother’s reasons. She isn’t intellectually impaired. She wasn’t in fear of her husband and his friends. She is an intelligent and capable woman who knew right from wrong. She wanted her children abused. She was complicit in it.

She is a female child sex offender, as she ‘facilitated and aided men to sexually abuse her children’.

It was hard enough knowing this is what my step father was and how myself and my siblings grew within this highly abusive and toxic environment and is why we were all sexually abused.

But, to know my mother was not only complicit, but a very willing participant in this, is beyond painful to deal with. Continue reading


Disclosing child sexual abuse to disordered, dysfunctional, toxic families, often leads to further severe abuse.


Dysfunctional, toxic families/parents etc, often cause further abuse and trauma to children who disclose child sexual abuse. The abuse is often denied, minimized, ignored, trivialised, justified, the child blamed and shamed, and in some cases the sexual abuse is encouraged and enabled.

Child sexual abuse is also emotional, physical, psychological abuse, and when the child is not supported after disclosure, this further abuse is severe neglect and emotional abuse.

The layers of trauma, wounds, shame and neglect within all of this, are profoundly life impacting.

Often survivors of this deep trauma, particularly when it is prolonged child sexual abuse and grooming occurs, need to dissociate to cope/survive. Many mental health and physical health consequences occur from this continual severe fear, anxiety and hypervigilance and severe abuse and violation to the child’s body occurring.

When the child is left unsupported, blamed, shamed etc when disclosing, the trauma intensifies.

The child’s world is shattered.

The child’s sense of any safety, is shattered.

The child’s sense of the world being good, is shattered.

The child’s sense of trust in people, is shattered.

The child’s sense of self and identity, is shattered. Continue reading