Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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So deeply sad to know, I would probably have been better off in foster care.

It is a sad state of grieving, to know I would have probably been less abused and less neglected, had I been put into foster care. Yes, the foster care system is not always positive and abuse and neglect does occur. It is also traumatising for children to be removed from their family. And that is so sad for everyone who endures this.

But, I also need to acknowledge, I probably would have been better off, if this had happened to me.

Being the survivor of complex trauma and every kind of abuse, including being sexually exploited by my mother and step father, for their paedophile and sex offender friends, I may very well have been better off in foster care.

My mother is a narcissist and has sociopath traits and my step father was a sociopath, so the levels of emotional, mental and psychological abuse, were profound, severe and continuing. Throughout my entire childhood. And knowing it is your own parents who caused such severe intentional abuse, is worse than anyone else doing it. It causes such deep wounds, to know your own parents wanted you to suffer and continually made you suffer.

I don’t have a pre-trauma identity. Severe ongoing complex trauma and abuse, was occurring from my earliest memories and no doubt prior to that. Continue reading


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I’m done thinking about the first 20 years of my life. As much as is possible, with PTSD.

I’ve spend enough time thinking about my childhood. Well, not that you could call it a childhood. I’ve spent enough time thinking and processing about the vile, disgusting excuses for human beings, who destroyed my childhood. I’ve processed enough of all they have done. All their intentional abuse. There is nothing that will change what they all did.

I do better now, when I don’t think about them. Thinking about them brings up too much pain, too many memories, too much suffering. They deserve nothing from me and I don’t deserve to have to endure any emotions about any of them. If they’re dead, they’re dead. What difference does it make. None.

So, I intend not thinking about any of it, as much as I possibly can. I can’t control my dreams and nightmares. I’ve accepted I will have them indefinitely. It’s cruel to have to endure them continually, but I have to accept it is the way it is. I accept severe PTSD is not curable, only manageable. I’ve also accepted I will always have re-experiencing issues of flashbacks, intrusive memories, which are also not in my control. But, I manage them better and as well as I can.

There is no good, that comes from thinking anymore Continue reading


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Truth…. really hurts.

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse. Continue reading


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Father pimped out daughter, to paedophiles. One of whom is a pastor, and a prison fellowship manager

http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/father-pimped-out-daughter/

Father pimped out daughter to paedophiles, and this girl was horrifically abused.

One of these was a church pastor and former Prison Fellowship manager. Sounds to me like he surrounded himself with fellow criminals and offenders, because he is exactly like them. He was probably advocating for people like himself – paedophiles and child abusers, to be released from prison, and their crimes minimized. And all the while he is horrifically raping and abusing a child.

Sick.

Each one of these men deserve to be in prison for the rest of their natural lives.


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The ongoing pain & grieving, due to the ongoing consequences, of all the childhood sexual trauma.

woman-crying-alone-on-floor

I am sat with tears flooding down my face as I write this.

When I write posts, like my last one, where I have to face and acknowledge that some issues caused by the severe childhood trauma I endured, are still ongoing, it hurts. It hurts deeply.

There are wounds that prolonged childhood sexual abuse cause, that child sexual abuse grooming by paedophiles/predators cause, that still affect my life in truly profound ways. And to know my own mother was complicit and exploited me, is beyond painful. Continue reading


Actual abuse like ongoing physical or sexual abuse to a child, causes profound fear.

Actual abuse caused to a child’s body, should not be minimized, or compared to witnessing abuse.

The fear of ongoing abuse caused to a child’s body, causes considerable fear.

PTSD kids5-001

Physical abuse and sexual abuse, are also emotional/mental/psychological abuse and neglect.

The child not only fears it happening again, but knows what the abuse feels like and is having their body violated.

There are people minimizing this, by suggesting a child witnessing abuse only – is worse than a child actually enduring the abuse. Which is absolute rubbish and a complete minimization of a child enduring abuse to their own body. Such a lack of empathy for children enduring their body being violated. Continue reading


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I’ve had the abuse & suffering I’ve endured – minimized all my life. I don’t tolerate it anymore.

Having severe, prolonged and repeated abuse/trauma endured – minimized and invalidated by others, is something I have endured all my life.

People who generalise trauma as the same, or minimize child sexual abuse, or compare trauma endured as an adult – to trauma endured as a child etc… simply do not know what they are talking about. They often have selfish and self serving reasons to do this and willingly shame people in the process.

‘Generalising’ and ‘minimizing’ are cognitive distortions I see are familiar within abuse/mental health industry and advocacy field. They shame, re-traumatise and invalidate those who have suffered to greater levels.

There is a very true saying “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and most are full of shit”. So true.

Most opinions are lacking in education, lacking in knowledge, lacking in empathy, lacking in insight. Continue reading