So deeply sad to know, I would probably have been better off in foster care.

It is a sad state of grieving, to know I would have probably been less abused and less neglected, had I been put into foster care. Yes, the foster care system is not always positive and abuse and neglect does occur. It is also traumatising for children to be removed from their family. And that is so sad for everyone who endures this.

But, I also need to acknowledge, I probably would have been better off, if this had happened to me.

Being the survivor of complex trauma and every kind of abuse, including being sexually exploited by my mother and step father, for their paedophile and sex offender friends, I may very well have been better off in foster care.

My mother is a narcissist and has sociopath traits and my step father was a sociopath, so the levels of emotional, mental and psychological abuse, were profound, severe and continuing. Throughout my entire childhood. And knowing it is your own parents who caused such severe intentional abuse, is worse than anyone else doing it. It causes such deep wounds, to know your own parents wanted you to suffer and continually made you suffer.

I don’t have a pre-trauma identity. Severe ongoing complex trauma and abuse, was occurring from my earliest memories and no doubt prior to that.

I’m done thinking about the first 20 years of my life. As much as is possible, with PTSD.

I’ve spend enough time thinking about my childhood. Well, not that you could call it a childhood. I’ve spent enough time thinking and processing about the vile, disgusting excuses for human beings, who destroyed my childhood. I’ve processed enough of all they have done. All their intentional abuse. There is nothing that will change what they all did.

I do better now, when I don’t think about them. Thinking about them brings up too much pain, too many memories, too much suffering. They deserve nothing from me and I don’t deserve to have to endure any emotions about any of them. If they’re dead, they’re dead. What difference does it make. None.

So, I intend not thinking about any of it, as much as I possibly can. I can’t control my dreams and nightmares. I’ve accepted I will have them indefinitely. It’s cruel to have to endure them continually, but I have to accept it is the way it is. I accept severe PTSD is not curable, only manageable. I’ve also accepted I will always have re-experiencing issues of flashbacks, intrusive memories, which are also not in my control. But, I manage them better and as well as I can.

There is no good, that comes from thinking anymore

Truth…. really hurts.

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse.

Father pimped out daughter, to paedophiles. One of whom is a pastor, and a prison fellowship manager

http://www.mamamia.com.au/news/father-pimped-out-daughter/

Father pimped out daughter to paedophiles, and this girl was horrifically abused.

One of these was a church pastor and former Prison Fellowship manager. Sounds to me like he surrounded himself with fellow criminals and offenders, because he is exactly like them. He was probably advocating for people like himself – paedophiles and child abusers, to be released from prison, and their crimes minimized. And all the while he is horrifically raping and abusing a child.

Sick.

Each one of these men deserve to be in prison for the rest of their natural lives.

The ongoing pain & grieving, due to the ongoing consequences, of all the childhood sexual trauma.

I am sat with tears flooding down my face as I write this.

When I write posts, like my last one, where I have to face and acknowledge that some issues caused by the severe childhood trauma I endured, are still ongoing, it hurts. It hurts deeply.

There are wounds that prolonged childhood sexual abuse cause, that child sexual abuse grooming by paedophiles/predators cause, that still affect my life in truly profound ways. And to know my own mother was complicit and exploited me, is beyond painful.

Actual abuse like ongoing physical or sexual abuse to a child, causes profound fear.

Actual abuse caused to a child’s body, should not be minimized, or compared to witnessing abuse.

The fear of ongoing abuse caused to a child’s body, causes considerable fear.

Physical abuse and sexual abuse, are also emotional/mental/psychological abuse and neglect.

The child not only fears it happening again, but knows what the abuse feels like and is having their body violated.

There are people minimizing this, by suggesting a child witnessing abuse only – is worse than a child actually enduring the abuse. Which is absolute rubbish and a complete minimization of a child enduring abuse to their own body. Such a lack of empathy for children enduring their body being violated.

I’ve had the abuse & suffering I’ve endured – minimized all my life. I don’t tolerate it anymore.

Having severe, prolonged and repeated abuse/trauma endured – minimized and invalidated by others, is something I have endured all my life.

People who generalise trauma as the same, or minimize child sexual abuse, or compare trauma endured as an adult – to trauma endured as a child etc… simply do not know what they are talking about. They often have selfish and self serving reasons to do this and willingly shame people in the process.

‘Generalising’ and ‘minimizing’ are cognitive distortions I see are familiar within abuse/mental health industry and advocacy field. They shame, re-traumatise and invalidate those who have suffered to greater levels.

There is a very true saying “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and most are full of shit”. So true.

Most opinions are lacking in education, lacking in knowledge, lacking in empathy, lacking in insight.

The lack of empathy about child sexual abuse, even within the mental health industry, is appalling.

Child sexual abuse and complex trauma (prolonged/repeated severe trauma/abuse) are both specialised fields where only those experienced, educated and insightful enough, should be treating/counselling anyone. Or writing about it.

I have come to realise how many counsellors/therapists/psychologists etc are no where near trauma/complex trauma informed/educated enough to treat appropriately. Many work well outside of their capability to treat/counsel. They generalise trauma, minimize severe trauma/suffering and re-traumatise survivors all the time and they lack empathy/insight to care/understand. And they shame survivors as a result.

This is really re-traumatising to survivors, many of whom have had the severe abuse minimized when it was occurring, or when they told someone about it.

Severe child abuse survivors, often have their trauma minimized. Many people do not want, or lack empathy to deal with the truth about severe child abuse and severe child sexual abuse.

It is hurtful, upsetting, re-traumatising, triggering and downright dangerous when people minimize severe abuse.

It can push people over the edge and if suicidal, it can cause suicide.

I choose to speak up for the innocent & the ones who do deserve the compassion.

I choose to speak up for the innocent, those who did not have a ‘choice’ about being abused, those who had their childhood’s stolen in the worst ways possible.

It is ethics and social justice to speak up for the innocent.

If we don’t speak up for our vulnerable children, we don’t stand for much.

Offenders had choices. They made choices to hurt and harm children, and they could have chosen not to. Most of them never have any remorse, and many do it repeatedly, because they lack any conscience, empathy or remorse.

And those who defend them, make excuses for them, rationalise what they do, enable them, justify what they do, are as guilty as the offenders themselves.

We live in a victim blaming/shaming society. In an offender protecting/enabling society. A sick society.

No-one ever deserves to be abused. No-one ever deserves to be sexually abused. Especially children.

Society needs to stop defending people who choose to harm others, and start making them far more responsible for their actions, have far more appropriate jail time, and start supporting the victims.

Healing From Childhood Sexual Trauma ~ Ben Oofana. Excellent Article On This Profound Trauma.

Healing From Childhood Sexual Trauma

http://www.doiohm.com/healing_sexual_trauma.htm

Past generations usually chose to cover up or deny the existence of childhood sexual abuse. This policy of silence and the resulting ignorance of the devastating consequences of childhood sexual exploitation created an environment that allowed the abuse to proliferate.

Childhood sexual trauma can have a profoundly devastating effect upon an individual. Some people appear to be relatively asymptomatic while others can be incapacitated to varying degrees.

Sexual trauma can interrupt many of the normal developmental processes of childhood. Sexually abused children often exhibit emotional or behavioral characteristics that indicate distress. Children may fail to thrive as a result of the trauma. Children are affected in many different ways by sexual trauma. Some experience learning disabilities that interfere with their ability to concentrate, learn or remember. Others act out or become aggressive. Some children may experience depression, feel a sense of helplessness or tend to isolate from others.

The suffering continues throughout one’s life. Many adults who were sexually abused as children experience depression, anxiety and in some instances an overwhelming sense of panic. They may also be prone to nightmares and flashbacks. Many suffer from gastrointestinal disturbances, chronic bladder and yeast infections.

There are many contributing factors that determine the extent of the negative impact of childhood sexual trauma. Children are more likely to suffer to a greater extent if the perpetrator is a close relative such as a father as opposed to a neighbor. Children who were sexually abused during earlier stages of development have fewer resources which would allow them to cope and may suffer more adverse consequences. Sexual abuse may occur as a single incident or it may have continued over a number of months or years. Sexual violation can also range from inappropriate comments to penetration. The wounds incurred from as a result of childhood sexual trauma are often compounded by other forms of stress or trauma.

Other influences may help to lessen sexual trauma’s destructive impact. Adults who are believing, caring and respectful in response to a child’s disclosure of sexual abuse can help to mitigate the negative impact of the trauma. Children who come from loving and supportive families are more likely to have internalized other resources that would better enable them to cope.

Memories and emotions associated with sexual trauma are stored within the body. We may feel tense and irritable as the feelings and memories begin to surface. Many cope by pushing the feelings back down inside of themselves.

Traumatic memories often become distorted and that may serve to protect us from even more disturbing memories. It’s common for our minds to combine separate events so that it appears as if they took place during a single incident. Our minds can sometimes block out all awareness of the traumatic experience at the time of the abuse and that may be necessary to help us to survive. But that can make it difficult to recover the memories and emotions later in life as we begin to heal.

Some people experience full and vivid recall of what happened, while others may only be able to access fragments of memory. Feelings and memories usually become more accessible as one move further along in their healing process. Memories may first appear as fleeting images or flashbacks. Many doubt the validity of these memories as they begin to surface. Survivors may even question their own sanity in some instances.

Flashbacks are often experienced as vivid reproductions of the original trauma and the intensely overwhelming emotions associated with these experiences. Flashbacks tend to have uncontrollable, freighting and intrusive qualities about them. They are often triggered by sensations or situations that act as a reminder of the initial trauma. A person in the midst of a flashback can feel as if they are reliving the trauma all over again.

The shame associated with sexual trauma may cause some children to make up stories to hide their wounds or to protect their family’s secret. Children often feel that they are somehow responsible for what happened. They may feel that they are inherently bad, defective or abnormal. That may also be accompanied by an underlying sense of worthlessness. These feelings are often incorporated into their self image. They sometimes try so hard to be good to compensate for these feelings, but that only reinforces their deep underlying shame.

Children who receive adequate love and nurturance internalize a sense of love, trust and safety. That helps to create an underlying sense of well being. This foundation supports them as they go forward in their lives.

Sexually abused children find themselves at the mercy of destructive forces beyond their control. They receive a whole different message that tells them that the world is not a safe place. Their inability to stop the abuse may cause them to feel they are not capable of protecting themselves, and that they cannot direct or control their own lives.

Self awareness is first experienced through our bodies. The pain resulting from sexual trauma can make it very difficult for children to be present within their own bodies. Being aware of and connected to the body can become so unbearable that many children are forced to shut down or disconnect. That may result in a sense of alienation from the body.