Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My son’s first night at Church youth group. Anxiety.

I have anxiety. Inwardly, rather than outwardly. My stomach is letting me know I have anxiety, as I feel nauseous.

I do know it is absolutely okay that I have anxiety about my son attending a church youth group. Especially when we’ve only just started attending the church and I don’t know the people there yet.

It is also okay that I have anxiety, because church has not previously been a positive experience at all, for me, or my son and family. So, it is normal to feel concerned, worried and be anxious.

My rational mind is thinking it will be most likely be fine, he will most likely be safe and have a great time.

My anxious mind, that has a great deal of knowledge of widespread church issues and poor attitudes regarding potentially or known abusive people …… is reminding me just how badly churches can f*** it up, when it comes to keeping kids/teenagers safe.

I need a drink.


Update on this blog. Found out the youth group is finishing at the end of this term. So, Continue reading

Church went well. Far more than I anticipated.

I don’t believe in many things being a coincidence. I believe fully in God’s pure love and power. Beyond anything I can comprehend.

Church today…. went really well. Friendly people. When we got there, the fellowship tea, coffee etc was happening and they have that between the end of the first service and the second more family friendly service. A few older people came and chatted with me, very friendly. I like older people.

Found out about the teenage youth group and a little about some of the people running that. One being a music teacher of a local high school. Spoke with another woman who is a youth leader, she seemed really nice. So we’ll rock up on Saturday, and drop my son off. My son is also into music and wanting to learn to play the guitar, so knowing a music teacher, is good. He is happy to be going there on Saturday.

During the very relaxed, easy going service – the Reverend spoke of N.T.Wright – who happens to be one of my favourite Christian authors/theologians, and knows 1st Century and historical context and it’s importance. The Reverend’s husband, is a big N/T/Wright fan too as he expressed to me. That was re-assuring for me to hear.

During the service, they talked about how they are welcoming and supporting two Syrian refugee families Continue reading


Find a church….. yeah…. not easy.

My hairdresser is a church goer. She’s a nice enough woman. Each time I attend my hair appointments, she asks me whether I am attending a church now. Each time, I say no. She is aware of the abuse I have endured at a toxic church. In her mind though, I am not a good enough Christian, if I don’t attend church. There is always that attitude – that I ‘should’ be in a church. And no matter how I approach that conversation – it is not ‘good enough’, that I don’t.

It is simply a case of stage 3 faith progression and no awareness of that. You don’t have attend church, to be a Christian. Many spiritually progressed Christians, don’t attend church.

I actually would like to be a part of a church community. I would like to know other Christians. But, I am unwilling to compromise my beliefs, or subject my children to abusive/unsafe/unhealthy/toxic doctrine/environments.

My list of what I will not compromise on are…

  1. They need to not be welcoming child sex offender/paedophiles. I am unapologetic in my belief that they are not to be trusted, and secure in my desire to keep my children safe from sexual abuse.
  2. Has strict child protection strategies in place for youth groups, children’s ministry.
  3. LGBTIQ welcoming. And not only welcoming, but accepting in every sense. No attitudes it is sin. I do not want my children subjected to any views contrary to this.
  4. Not fundamentalist, or right wing/conservative. As I see so much unhealthy, cognitively distorted thinking, I choose to avoid and not subject my children to.
  5. Not enabling/encouraging child abuse in the form of physical discipline. Which I know is abuse and is domestic violence.
  6. Don’t victimise victims further with more abuse – pushing forgiveness, reconciliation etc with abusive people and shaming the victims – as the ‘bad’ people, if they don’t.
  7. Must understand 1st Century Biblical context.
  8. Must be led by spiritually progressed leaders, who are not stuck at stage 3 in faith progression.

Continue reading

Interesting chat with some Christians today.

At the food bank I volunteer at, there is a mixed group of people, some of whom are Christians, some are church people.

Had a really interesting chat today with two volunteers about spiritual progression, the damage caused by right wing, fundamentalist, hard line, shame/big stick led churches. And it was interesting to talk with people who also recognise the damage, abuse, spiritual abuse this causes, and how far from Jesus this is. And know about spiritual progression and how most churches are stage 3 led, and contained within stage 3 progression and why. Continue reading

I cannot praise God enough….for Pope Francis. The world needs to take note of a ‘real’ Christian.




I see so clearly how NONE of this was done at a Baptist ‘church’ I was abused by…

What your church should be doing, but probably isn’t…. Relevant magazine..


1. Working Face to Face with the Poor

A lot of churches give money to the poor, but few choose to be directly involved in their lives. It’s not enough for a church to give to the poor. A church has to know the poor.

Many churches today are building their buildings out in the suburbs where they are surrounded by the rich. And sure, rich people need Jesus as much as anyone, but if churches want to follow in Christ’s example then they must be involved in the lives of the poor.

I’m not saying that every church should move to the inner city. But every church should mobilize their congregations to serve there.

2. Building Relationships with Other Churches

Unity has always been an important mark of the Christian Church. But so many churches try to take on their missions independently. Here’s what ends up happening: several (sometimes hundreds) of like-minded churches in a city all try to reach their city with their own ideas and their own recourses. This creates some challenges.

What often happens is churches end up competing for the same people. Church populations fluctuate every time a church becomes the hot new thing. But unfortunately, it’s often the same group of people just moving from one church to the other.

Churches working together probably won’t put an end to “church hopping.” But think about how much a joint outreach program could do to reach the unchurched in a city. Churches should work together to reach their city united under Christ.

3. Putting Effort Toward Diversity

There aren’t many churches today that would turn someone away because they are “different.” But that doesn’t mean churches are working to achieve diversity. Most are apathetic to the idea.

And now churches are some of the least diverse institutions there are. Not only are congregations made up of people of the same color, but they are also monotone in age, socio-economic status, and even interests (there seems to be church for everybody with a hobby). Young people go to church with young people. Wealthy people go to church with other wealthy people.

Look, I get it. It is comfortable to go to church with people my age who look like me, live like me and think like me. But a lack of diversity in the church is dangerous.

For one, it limits the amount of personal growth a church can facilitate for its individual members. A young person surrounded by young people will find community easily, but he/she will be starved for the wisdom of someone more experienced.

It also limits a church’s potential to reach people. How can a church expect to reach multiple people groups if it is made up of just one?

Jesus Himself sought diversity in His group of disciples. One was a zealot and another was a tax collector (those two types of people came from two very different walks of life).

4. Chasing a Vision, not a Quota

Growth in numbers is biblical. Churches should want to reach as many people as they possibly can. But they shouldn’t fall in love with numbers.

One of the biggest struggles for me is checking my desire to see our ministry grow in numbers so I can focus on growing the people who are already there.

We should want more people to show up, but we must be good stewards of the people God has already given us.

5. Building a Missions Department that Goes Beyond the Offering Plate

A lot of churches give a lot of money toward missions. Some have it fixed in their budget while others take up special offerings.

But missions shouldn’t be limited to giving away money. Churches must be eager to send people out.

Not every church can afford to fund full-time missionaries. But every church that has people can make a personal impact in their communities and around the world.

6. Equipping Their Members, not Just Entertaining Them

For many, church is little more than a show. It’s a sing-along concert with a speech shoved in the middle. Sure, people might be spiritually moved, but that is often the extent of it.

Churches should see themselves as equippers, not entertainers. Providing members with the tools they need to live out their faith on a daily basis is essential. So is providing members with multiple opportunities. Churches should delight themselves in preparing their members to be Christ’s representatives in the world.

My prayer is that you will be encouraged to challenge your church to strive for these goals. If your church is missing one or more of these, the answer is not to leave. Instead, my hope is that you will personally work to create an environment in your church where these things are true.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/6-things-your-church-should-be-doing-probably-isnt#flRI2FWgfr5JYGl8.99

Ever increasing respect for Pope Francis – he has balls and a sense of reality, morality and courage I really admire.


Pope attacks Vatican’s bureaucracy in Christmas speech; accuses some of having ‘spiritual Alzheimer’s’

Pope Francis has lambasted the Vatican’s bureaucracy, saying some within the Church had a lust for power, were indifferent to others and suffered from “spiritual Alzheimer’s”.

The pontiff used a Christmas speech to cardinals, bishops and priests to list a catalogue of ailments plaguing some at the very top and urging a “cure”.

He said the Vatican was riven with “existential schizophrenia”, “social exhibitionism”, “spiritual Alzheimer’s” and a lust for power, all of which have led to an “orchestra that plays out of tune”.

He warned against greed, egoism and people who think they are “immortal”.

Pope Francis, the first non-European Pope in 1,300 years, has refused many of the trappings of office and made plain his determination to bring the Church’s hierarchy closer to its 1.2 billion members.

He has set out to reform the Italian-dominated Curia, whose power struggles and leaks were widely held responsible for Benedict XVI’s decision last year to become the first Pope in six centuries to resign.

“The Curia needs to change, to improve … a Curia that does not criticise itself, that does not bring itself up to date, that does not try to improve, is a sick body,” he said in a sombre address.

Pope Francis said some in the Curia acted as if they were “immortal, immune or even indispensable”, an apparent reference to retired cardinals who remain in the Vatican and continue to exert influence.

He told his audience that too many of them suffered from “rivalry and vainglory”; superiors favoured protégés and underlings fawned on bosses to further careers; while others fed gossip or false information to the media.

Pope Francis was elected in March last year on a mandate to overhaul the government and put an end to decades of infighting within the powerful but troubled body.

Since then the pontiff has establish a series of specialist bodies to tackle corruption and poor management in the Vatican, including the naming of eight cardinals from around the world to advise him on the Curia overhaul.