Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Anger is necessary, as part of healing & grieving.

I wrote a blog yesterday, about how I am not defined by all the abusers have done to me, I am defined by my courage to survive it all, to overcome it all and be a good person.

I struggle to allow myself anger. I suppress it. And I feel a lot of confusion and fear, when I feel anger. Yet, I know anger is a very needed, appropriate and normal emotion, after abuse and trauma. Especially the severity of trauma I have endured.

This came up in counselling last week, were I tried to explain I know I have anger within me. And I can’t cope with it, so I just suppress it.

This week in counselling, While explaining this processing I have been doing, I tentatively said, the success of this blog, my website and all the amazing feedback I get – is kind of a big middle finger, to all those who harmed me.

I said this tentatively, because I am conflicted as to whether giving all the abusers the middle finger, is appropriate and okay. I realise I was apprehensive, as to whether my counsellor would feel this was wrong. Whether this would make me a ‘bad’ person.

Her response, was very encouraging of me writing about this anger I feel and indeed, putting a pic of a middle finger, to all those who harmed me, mistreated me, abused me and treated me as a worthless person. And how this is okay to do on my blog. Continue reading


7 Comments

Still grieving and will be for a long time.

Discussed this in counselling today. Discussed how the extent and severity  of all the trauma, abuse, relationships I have to grieve, it will be a lifelong process.

I can’t remember the term used, but most grieving processes take around 18 months. But the extent of my trauma history, will not be grieved in that timeframe. It will be a lifelong journey.

I am doing everything I should be doing, and I still feel sad, depressed, angry etc, for periods of time throughout each week. This is normal. So whilst I do not want to feel this way, I am relieved to hear it is very normal. And is probably why Continue reading


7 Comments

Asked to do a reading at church…. So had to say why I couldn’t.

Having anxiety and PTSD, means the last thing I want to do when in new environments, is public speaking.

It’s only my third visit to church and the minister asked me if I would the Bible reading. I panicked immediately and said I couldn’t do it, as I have anxiety issues. I felt bad that I couldn’t do it. Had anxiety all the way through the service.

At the end of the service, when the minister came and spoke to us, I apologised for being unable to do the reading and told her I have PTSD. She was really nice about it and I could feel myself starting to get emotional. Once she stopped speaking to my sons, we swiftly left, because the last thing I want at this new church, is Continue reading


New medication for insomnia.

Having not slept at all last night, and knowing my sleep issues getting worse, I realise I need medication. Even though I prefer to not take them.

I have a lot going on, which is all emotionally and mentally draining. Plus past trauma stuff still affecting me. So, my counsellor/doctor was good about it all, understanding why I have insomnia as a result.

So, I start the medication tonight and hope it is okay and I sleep.


My sleep issues, are getting worse. Awake all night. Again.

exhausted

I’m really tired. not sleeping well. Insomnia is pretty bad. It’s been worsening over the last few months. Now, it’s pretty dire. I’ve been awake all night. That is becoming a regular situation. Going to have to go on medication, as I know I can’t fix this.

You can be doing everything you should be doing, and still have issues occurring. I realise this is subconscious issues about trauma I don’t want to think about, or talk about. I guess it’s grieving and I am mentally, emotionally overwhelmed, causing me to be physically drained and exhausted.   Continue reading


1 Comment

You do not have to forgive. If you choose to – it may be a long journey – Pete Walker

As per Pete Walker – a very gifted and insightful complex trauma survivor and therapist

http://pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm

“There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate “guidance” put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover.

Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive.

Continue reading