Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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“The woman who made us think” Surprising words in counselling today.

There is a lot I could write about my counselling session today. So much confirmation of my deeper capacity to think, discernment, ability to process human behaviours, empathy capacity and how all that helps professionals, including my counsellor, be better at their jobs.

I could write tonnes about this. But, this in particular was pretty significant. My counsellor stated maybe my title for my book could be ‘the woman who made us think’. And it was said in a genuine way. The ‘us’ referring to mental health professionals/clinicians, as well as others.

I do realise, this is my ‘thing’ – helping people to think. Thinking deeply, having lived experience turned into wisdom Continue reading


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I see how talking about abusers with mental health professionals, can be harmful. And why ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists etc, all have to deal with any clients and any behaviours, in a respectful and what is considered ‘non judgmental’ way. And need to remove their emotions, to deal with worst of behaviours.

I see this can lead to a continual emotional disconnect from the reality of the harm highly abusive people cause to their victims. They choose to see the abuser/perpetrator, in a non emotional way, and that can transfer to how they speak about them, with the victims. Which is really insensitive and lacking in empathy for the victim of the abuse.

I’ve seen this happen in my own counselling. And I’ve raised it and pointed out the lack of empathy.

I watched a psychologist on a TV program about sex the other day and what is considered normal. One person being interviewed was a paedophile. And what he considers as absolutely appropriate sexual contact with a child as young as 7. (It made me nauseous listening to him). The psychologist spoke of her struggling to deal with him and his obvious deeply sick mind, and how that struggle was because she was out of her clinical environment. Inside a clinical environment – she could remove her emotions and deal with paedophiles in a manner considered appropriate. Outside of that, she struggled to contain her disgust. I could see it on her face. So inside her clinical environment, she wasn’t in fact acting like a normal human being would.

It made me realise, mental health professionals in their clinical environment, can remove emotions and deal with vile, disgusting people, in certain ways. Which is appropriate for that client. And they choose to see that as empathy for the abusive client.

But, this becomes a big issue for the victims, when this lack of emotion, and seeing vile, disgusting people, who have caused such profound and intentional harm, spoken of in a ‘clinical’ way, is also displayed to the victims. (Or they harp on about compassion for abusive people, which is even worse). Continue reading


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Might start a diploma in counselling in February.

I’ve just found out you can apply for VET Fee help for diploma courses, not just degrees. I need to wait until Feb 2017, to start an on campus degree Uni course, for various reasons.

So, a counselling diploma in the gap next year, would be useful and helpful and keep me busy 🙂

So contacting ACAP about the VET Fee help part, just to make sure I would be eligible. I’m itching to start studying and this may be a great route, a diploma, prior to the degree in either counselling or psychology – whichever I decide upon.

Emailed for info.

Update, I’ve already checked and I am eligible for the VET FEE help, so I’m applying for the course, to commence Feb 2016.

After that, I will start a 3 year Bachelor of Psychology/Social Sciences/Counselling (not sure which yet), Continue reading


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I postponed the appointment with the psychologist. Still don’t know what to do.

I had an appointment booked this week with a psychologist, and I postponed, because I am confused and don’t know what to do.

Due to issues within my counselling, which have been an ongoing issues that worsened, I had decided to seek new therapy. I recognise there has been good in my counselling, but the negative things have created a lack of trust, a lack of safety and quite frankly, I am tired of them. I’ve blogged about them, so I don’t intend rehashing it.

I also recognise I am not fully healed, I still have ongoing issues, I am still grieving and it would be wise to seek help with that.

I did attend a counselling appointment this week and yet again, confronted the issues and I did receive an apology and a sort of explanation. But, I can’t say I trust the explanation or even believe it represented the situation. She seemed pretty uncomfortable and I could tell she was struggling with talking about ‘her’ stuff. Continue reading


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Yesterday, was a tough day…. but today is already better.

Grieving hurts and that’s okay. It’s a natural, normal emotional need to deal with the end of relationships or situations.

I’m aware I will keep grieving for a long time. I’ve done enough research to know how grieving works. And to not suppress it. It will come and go and has already lessoned in severity and I can manage it better.

I’ve sent a message to a psychologist specialising in PTSD and trauma, to see if she is taking any clients. I realise it will be beneficial for me to continue talking about the grieving etc. I am a resourceful, insightful person, Continue reading


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My husband thinks I should go to counselling tomorrow.

My counsellor has been away for a month on holiday. Prior to that, I had become really annoyed at the continual ‘shaming’ of being made to feel like I am not good enough and a bad person, because I do not think about predators/perpetrators of severe prolonged abuse, exactly as she does.

I’m increasingly aware of ‘shame shifting’ from perpetrator to victim. I’ve always instinctively known this is very wrong and I refuse to be ‘shamed’ any further. I have an appropriate thought process, for predators, paedophiles, sex offenders, and other such people.

I don’t believe in revenge, karma, retaliation, them being abused back. Because all that is wrong. And I’ve never wanted any of that. I don’t condemn them, I don’t want them to ‘burn in hell’. My opinions are actually far more ‘compassionate’ than many in society who do believe in retaliation being required, think paedophiles/predators should be hurt back, given the death penalty etc. I don’t.

But, I also believe for those who choose to make people suffer, particularly children, and are likely to do it again (which is most of them), they need to be in prison. The rights and safety of children are more important than the rights of offenders, who are mostly pathological liars.

I do not believe in demanding victims having to have compassion or forgiveness for those who intentionally harmed them in such vile, disgusting and horrendous ways, and especially when they have no remorse/empathy/conscience.

Demanding this, is shame shifting. To suggest survivors are ‘bad people’ for not forgiving/having compassion is shame/blame shifting. So very wrong.

Considering all I have been through, the very fact that I cringe when I hear of any prisoner being beaten up (regardless of what they have done) – sex offenders, paedophiles, those who sexually exploit children – and I do wish for their sakes they were not people who enjoy making others/children suffer, I still remain very aware of the choices they choose to make. Repeatedly. That is choosing evil.

I’m aware my counsellor believes she is right, and needs to think the way she does so she can be seen/feel she is ‘professional’ as a doctor/counsellor. And it makes her feel like a good Christian. Her constant need to project her opinion about predators/offenders and how she feels about them etc… is simply nothing more than her opinion. Continue reading


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I realise I need specialised trauma counselling, to deal with all the sexual abuse.

I know I am going to have to find another counsellor. Only one who specialises in child sexual abuse trauma and exploitation. One who doesn’t shame me.

I’m not coping with the exploitation stuff. I’m not coping with the shame of all the grooming. I’m not coping with trying to do this on my own.

I would rather die, than have to feel any more of this pain.

Again, I’m at that place where it’s only my children keeping me alive.

I’m going to have to find a counsellor, and pay whatever it costs. Continue reading


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Quit counselling.

Lots of reasons…. I shouldn’t have to ask my counsellor to validate that all the child abuse wasn’t my fault, blame, shame. That was her job to offer that support. I shouldn’t have to be subjected to continual shaming, because her views about abusers are different to mine.

I shouldn’t be made to feel worse about myself, as a result of all this.

A counsellors job is to provide safety for a complex trauma survivor to deal with ‘their’ journey. Not project opinions that hurt and shame.

I’ve already been through enough.


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Clients want to know how much a therapist ‘cares’, more than how much they understand.

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This was a tweet by Mick Cooper, who is a psychologist and professor at a university.

This is a subject many don’t want to raise. But, I will.

Frankly, I cannot trust anyone who I do not believe actually genuinely cares about me. And unless they make that it very clear they do, that barrier will always be there.

Therapists, have their own physical and emotional boundaries and they need them. And that’s okay. But, this does not help complex trauma survivors, who already have such deep trust wounds.

I had some kind of bond with my therapist. And I know I have forced myself to no longer have this, for several reasons.  I have forced myself to disconnect from that, and issues that arose, have led to that. Continue reading


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Too many therapists are pushing abuse victims to feel compassion for abusers, and harming the victims healing.

Many therapists are far too ‘opinionated’ and lack insight into complex trauma, and are there just to push their views and their own agenda’s. It is well known that therapists can be ego seekers and they push their own opinions, regardless of how that harms their clients. And too many therapists have big ego’s and work outside of their own capacity of insight and needed understanding of complex trauma.

I just read of a survivor who fired her therapist who kept on defending the clients narc mother, yet never even asked what the mother had done and didn’t even know details of the abuse. So the survivor hadn’t dealt with her emotions either.

So wrong and so damaging.

How dare that therapist demand that survivor dismiss the suffering caused and invalidate the survivors needed  emotions, grieving etc. Continue reading