Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Gathering the courage to say in counselling, what should have been said months ago.

I don’t feel safe to talk about my emotions about the abusers. This is because when I have attempted to talk about it in the past, it has been trashed by my counsellors opinions and her rejecting my thoughts and how I deal with it.

My counsellor has told me I should not ‘label’ abusers, and I should not discuss personality disorders and has alluded to this being wrong, because I am not a clinician.

She has also felt it necessary to vent her views about how abusers should be thought of – the way ‘she’ views them.

I’m sure she thinks this is helping me, but it hasn’t.

All it has done is reject my thoughts, my views, my insight and my emotions and now I am at the point, where she is the last person I will discuss and talk to about my mother, my step father, the paedophile, the psychopath etc.

I sit there cringing, waiting for something to be said, that invalidates, rejects, makes excuses for what they did, and forces her opinion onto me.

This has harmed my healing considerably.

And quite frankly, who the fuck is she to tell me what I think is wrong, my emotions are wrong and invalidate and reject what I know, believe and feel!?

She has no right to do that.

Her ‘opinions’ are nothing more than that. It does not mean she is right.

It is like the abusers demanded, that I see it ‘their’ way and I’m not good enough and I’m wrong, if I don’t. Continue reading


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Asked to see my counsellor, to try to talk about all the issues that have been upsetting me.

After deciding I was stopping counselling and letting her know that, and why….. I panicked. I realise that due to so much severe interpersonal trauma/abuse, I am not good with interpersonal skills, particularly of the face to face confrontation, negative issues, being hurt – type stuff.

I know I have a lot of fear regarding getting hurt, seeing ‘stuff’ in others that flags up as not okay, or is hurting me.

I know I have discernment and also hypervigilance and I can move up and down that continuum, between the two. And when it comes to relationships where I have to have any trust now, I have more fear.

‘Trust no-one’ has been my motto most of my life. And yet, I have tried to trust people who claimed to care about me – and got really hurt as a result.

Coming to terms with the reality of my past trauma and the people who were meant to love me, but harmed me so severely, plus coming to terms with trauma I endured from church people more recently, plus the reality of marriage – has now resulted in considerable betrayal, hurt, pain and fear.

I desperately crave a relationship in which I can trust someone, yet I also deeply fear that. And I am very aware fear of trust and being ‘wired for fear’ – are the core of complex trauma, Complex PTSD, due to significant child abuse.

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Tears. I realise I need someone like Dr M. Scott Peck, to counsel me.

Reading through ‘A Road Less Travelled’ – by Dr M. Scott Peck, the highly acclaimed psychiatrist, author.

Went straight to the section on love, and the first thing I read in the book, is his attitude and approach to counselling people.

I cried. Floods of tears and pain.

Because his empathy and understanding of how to counsel those abused in childhood, is incredible, and exactly what I need. He talks honestly about how trust and love is needed within a counselling relationship – something many counsellors would say is wrong.

But, how can a severely abused complex trauma survivor, truly open up and trust someone they know doesn’t love them? I know I can’t.

I ‘have’ to know the person genuinely cares about me and loves me, and has my best interests at heart.

He talks about one client, who quit therapy many times, and he knew he needed to persuade her to come back, through phone calls and emails. He knew she needed that reassurance that he really did care.

He understands fear and the massive impact it has on a persons life. And how that affects every relationship, including a therapeutic one.

He understands the deep needs of trust and commitment needed to be shown.

He understands the need for non judgment, not pushing any agenda’s and how the ‘client’s’ needs, are paramount and how the therapist must adapt, and suffer too with the client.

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I have to find a new counsellor. I know I cannot do this on my own.

I am barely coping each day and mostly only through numbing out all the intense emotions about my marriage, about my ex counsellor… this being on top of all the trauma from my past I have not yet dealt with fully.

I am aware I need to find a counsellor and fairly quickly, because I am aware I may not be able to keep going like I am now, indefinitely.

The thought of even attempting to build up any trust in other counsellor, after all the crap from the last one, puts fear into me. I know I am avoiding dealing with the reality of what was happening in counselling.

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I probably need counselling, to deal with past counselling.

I realise I probably need counselling, to deal with the crap that went on within my former counselling. The religious agenda’s, the abuse/abuser condoning, the very inappropriate views projected on to me – like hearing abusive relationships being ‘adequate’, the comparing with friends who enable abusers, the patronising and now the outright lies to cover herself.

I have huge issues with trust already, I’ve been lied to all my life. To hear more lies from someone I am supposed to be able to trust, is all very damaging to me, and yet my former counsellor won’t give a crap about that.

It is interesting that she stated once, she believes I am an ‘expert’ in working out people…….. but not ‘her’ of course. She’s special.

She also once told me that when the shit hits the fan in life – she believes ‘everyone’ looks out for their own interests and will let others down. Which I actually disagree with, but it is interesting she said that, because it shows she knows ‘she’ will. And she’s proved that.

The damage caused by an unhealthy therapeutic relationship – to a complex trauma survivor – is massive.

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Silence, is an answer. As is ignoring, witholding contact/responses.

I think I can now reasonably assume that as my counsellor has not responded to 3 emails this week, when normally she does respond, including one email saying I need to take a break and why….. means I can assume she is in agreement this is necessary. I’m not emailing her anymore.

And maybe this is God’s way of pointing me in a needed direction now.

Silence is an answer, as is ignoring and withholding contact, responses. I know enough about those behaviours and what they mean. They are passive aggressive behaviours, meant to punish, or withhold confrontation and deal with issues and will often be justified with a range of excuses.

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I think counsellors need to realise, they can ‘misbehave’ too.

At my last counselling session, where I wanted to explain how I know I am not an easy client, the first words out of my counsellors mouth – were about ‘misbehaving’ clients and how others wouldn’t tolerate me as a client.

I haven’t done anything other than what she told me repeatedly to do….let her know what was bothering me.

It is very patronising to talk about clients ‘misbehaving’ and she herself has spoken to me about things which are completely inappropriate for me to hear. And I’ve had this validated by other mental health professionals.

I think my counsellor is someone who rarely hears how she might be wrong, how her views may not be wisdom, how I disagree with some of her thinking and how I know she lacks empathy and have given examples.

I think she is more used to people telling her how wonderful she is. She is used to having big audiences to clap at what she says and people around her talking about her in positive ways.

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I’m aware I give my counsellor a hard time…

I’m aware I give my counsellor a hard time.

I refuse point blank to trust all of what she says, I challenge her continually, I read and analyse everything she does and says…… and I tell her – at her request – everything I am not okay with.

I am definitely not an easy client and I see that.

So when I see her this week, I am going to take a big bunch of flowers, just to let her know that I do appreciate how she allows me to challenge, question, get annoyed, analyse, responds to my emails, allows me to display all my fear driven behaviours/needs, allows me to tell her what is upsetting/hurting me, and tries to understand me and allows me… to be me.

And I do appreciate that she apologises to me, and shows remorse, but I get confused by that, because I have never known real apologies, or remorse. So I sit there confused. And I know I am meant to graciously accept apologies, but in my complete state of confusion, or because I am so emotionally numb, I can’t react the way I am meant to.

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I can’t take anymore hurt.

I am already really hurt by several things my counsellor has done. None of which she sees are an issue. Because I have no worth and no opinion to her.

She has encouraged me to shut down this blog and my page several times, and never validates or encourages what I do to try and help others, as having any worth. Many other mental health professionals and counsellors validate my work, but not my own.

She also has this need to see abusers, abuse and abusive relationships as neutral, or even positive. And projects that onto others.

Today, I turned up for my appointment and centre stage for all to see in reception – is a poster for an exhibition and competition for people in prison. This will no doubt include people who are rapists, paedophiles, murderers, sex offenders, psychopaths, sociopaths, amongst other types of prisoners. Prisons are full of them.

For a start – how insensitive is it to abuse victims – at a counselling centre – to have to see posters glorifying prisoners and their desire to tell their (sob) stories and shoving that in the faces of victims…. such a lack of empathy. And yes, I do believe they need help, but glorifying them, no.

Of course, I will be told I lack compassion for prisoners, but I don’t and actually displaying this poster  – in a counselling centre – is lacking empathy for the victims of abuse visiting that counselling centre, many of whom, will have abusers in prison, or have been in prison.

And, I see that for some, it’s okay to glorify them – people who have done wrong, often hurting others – intentionally – but if they ‘claim’ to have changed their lives – they should be glorified and put up as being something worthy and their work and what they do – should be glorified, raised up, shown to the world.

But, victims of abuse and victims of these people who go to prison, need to silenced. Like me. I am not worthy of such glorification – not that I want it – but none-the-less, I am worthless. I’m not even worthy of encouragement.

I can’t take this mindset anymore.

It hurts too much.

It was a good thing I had been told the wrong appointment time and told to come back, because I know I will have just sat there and cried at how hurt I am. And I can’t go back.

I feel so hurt, so abandoned and I know I’m being told in a covert way, I am worthless. And abusive people are okay.

Like everyone has told me, all my life.

I can’t handle anymore of this attitude that so many church people have – of showing compassion only for abusive people, people who choose to do wrong and hurt people, describe relationships with such people as adequate……. and silencing the victims.

I am so scared to end yet another relationship, one where I have tried so hard to trust and I have developed a bond and an attachment. I know people don’t understand how terrifying it is to end relationships where a complex trauma victim has tried to trust and become reliant and dependent.

But, it is terrifying and so painful.

I am numb right now, because I cannot let my emotions out about this.

Completely numb.


Had a positive conversation with my counsellor and I am glad I talked it out.

In situations that are difficult and hurt has been caused, I am aware it is always best to try and talk things through (with non abusive people) and explain myself & my thoughts, even if I do struggle to do that. Rather than just cut someone out of my life as a protection mode, I always jump to.

I don’t have to believe that everything a counsellor says, or trust is always right, or always wise. No-one has it all right, no-one is 100% wise, and I realise that. Including me.

So, I voiced my concerns, the hurt, where I believe it is wrong to label abusive relationships in any positive or neutral way, or use words that will usually be taken as positive. I will not accept that any abusive, unhealthy relationship, is ‘adequate’. Because that implies that abuse, is okay. And I get that society and particularly church people, believe some abuse is good/okay/tolerable. Well, I completely disagree.

And I am allowed to disagree.

Even if someone is tolerating abuse, for whatever reason, it is still not adequate, it is still an unhealthy abusive relationship. And I will not sugar coat that with more positive/neutral expressions. I realise people do sugar coat things to make life easier, to make it easier to deal with abusive people. I won’t.

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