“Looking for love, in all the wrong places” “I’m on my own again”

A song that honestly expresses depression. Lana Del Rey’s work, is very honest. Love her or hate her, her music and lyrics are some the most honest out there. Reflecting life’s real issues.

WHO stated severe PTSD – equivalent of being a paraplegic. Severe Depression – quadriplegic. Both…

While watching Australian Q&A this week, about mental illness, the following was stated in response to why mental illness is not considered as debilitating as physical illness….

WHO – World Health Organisation have stated…

Having severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is the equivalent of being paraplegic, and..

Having severe Depression, is the equivalent of being quadriplegic…

In terms of debilitating impact on life.

My thoughts go further, in stating Complex PTSD  – which is more debilitating than uncomplicated PTSD – there will be even further impact.

And for those who have these combined with severe depression, the impact can be even greater.

It is good to see mental illness being talked with much compassion, in a rational manner, where people are stepping up and confirming mental illness, is real and equivalent to physical illness, despite many people in society being unable or unwilling to accept this.

Gardening expert, on the benefits for mental health.

At the International Gardening Show I attended today, one of the experts was talking about the benefits to mental health.

I have this mentioned on my Website @ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!great-for-stressanxiety-reduction/c1ycp

Gardening is benefiting me and helps manage my PTSD symptoms 🙂

These are from the talk…

Loss, grief, abandonment, hurt, withdrawing.

Ending counselling is painful. I feel that fear in my chest continually. I keep crying. And then I feel numb and very depressed.

I know abandonment depression is a symptom of Complex PTSD and the loss of any significant relationship, is so hard.

I didn’t sleep at all last night, so I’m running on a deficit of strength. I just want to curl up and cry for hours. Which I probably will again tonight, when my children and husband are in bed.

Today, is a bad day.

I don’t have any desire to write in any detail about how I feel today.

It’s a bad day with severe depression, grieving and every little thing is irritating and upsetting me.

Family time. A late afternoon walk along the seafront.

Went for a walk along the seafront with my family. It was nice to get out of the house and the kids enjoyed it – my 6 year old in particular loves splashing in the muddy puddles and the water. They enjoyed finding shells and playing Frisbee. We had a walk along the front. The weather was beautiful, the sky lovely and blue.

Cried watching Dr Pamela Connolly interview Stephen Fry.

I’m watching a lot more TV lately, because it takes my mind off my own thoughts and my life. I don’t normally watch a lot of TV, but it’s increased since my internet use has rapidly decreased. I realise I have switched from one freeze trauma coping habit, to another.

Stephen Fry is a tortured soul, who was abused in his childhood, yet clearly by the interview he doesn’t see the fullness of that abuse from his father. He was also sexually abused by older boys at school and he doesn’t even see that as abuse, or the depth of the consequences of that. He’s so clearly in denial, as was pointed out in the interview.

He did talk about the voice of his father still haunting him and he is also clearly tortured by questions like did the sexual abuse as a child, lead him to be gay. How he has self hate and never feels ‘good enough’. But, it was so obvious at that time of that interview, his need for denial and minimization, part of his coping needs. I get it, I’ve been there in the past.

I get this denial. It’s so much harder to deal with the full reality, than to stay in denial. Now I do have more of an understanding of the severity and depth of the consequences and affects of prolonged childhood trauma, I am having to face the severity and depth of emotions that come with that.

One thing I realised though ….. whether you deal the reality, or run away from it, either way there can be severe depression. There can be wanting to be dead. There is deep pain.

I think I should be back on medication.

I know I am severely depressed, when I am thinking about death a lot. I’m not actively suicidal, but I’d like be to dead. The pain, suffering, grieving and depression is too much.

I don’t want to be on medication long term, and I wanted to off the ones I was taking over the last 2 years, because they were heavy duty ones that mess you up physically long term.

But, daydreaming about death and wishing you could be dead, increasingly, is not a place anyone should have to be.

Every day, I am forcing myself to participate in a life I don’t want to be living.

My days now consist of numbness, with some feeling of intense emotions, that overwhelm me – so I go back to dissociation. I have my own internal world I go to when really bad.

I live a double life. One in front of other people, and the real one.

I fake happiness around my children. I fake being different around other people. I fake being ‘better’ than I actually feel, in counselling. I do what is expected of me. I say what is expected of me. I act how is expected of me.

I’ve now given up on anything else. Life is easier when you just do what is expected. And I do, in a zoned out, emotionally disconnected way.

I relate.