Certain music and video’s, will always be special to me.
I frequently see both EMDR and meditation, hailed as the answer to all who have endured trauma. This simply means they are uneducated about complex trauma.
EMDR can be good for PTSD sufferers. But, it is often not suitable for complex trauma survivors. It was not even designed for complex trauma survivors. It is more suitable to one time, short lived trauma survivors where the trauma occurred as an adult.
EMDR, is also not suitable for those with chronic dissociation.
And I know of many who have been offered EMDR, without the correct knowledge about complex trauma and it has in fact, made their mental health worse and symptoms worsen.
Meditation, is another strategy I know is not considered suitable for many with chronic dissociation and dissociative disorders.
Yet, I continually see people, including professionals and mental health organisations promoting EMDR for all trauma survivors, with PTSD issues.
There are significant differences between chronic severe trauma and one time short lived trauma. Continue reading
My days now consist of numbness, with some feeling of intense emotions, that overwhelm me – so I go back to dissociation. I have my own internal world I go to when really bad.
I live a double life. One in front of other people, and the real one.
I fake happiness around my children. I fake being different around other people. I fake being ‘better’ than I actually feel, in counselling. I do what is expected of me. I say what is expected of me. I act how is expected of me.
I’ve now given up on anything else. Life is easier when you just do what is expected. And I do, in a zoned out, emotionally disconnected way.
Tried hard to focus all my attention on my children today. It’s the school holidays. Most of the day was just with my youngest son, as the older one was at a vacation care camp for the day.
I forced myself to get outside and do some gardening with my son. We also lay down on the sun loungers and just chatted together. We did some craft stuff and read some books. All things he loves to do.
Later when we picked up my older son, we went and had some dinner out, which was a school holidays treat for them. Chatted with my older son about the fun activities he did today, which he really enjoyed.
I pretty much got through today totally numb inside …. whilst faking happiness on the outside, for my children.
All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.
Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.
I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.
I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.
All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt. Continue reading
Life has taught me a lot about humanity. Sadly, a lot of bad stuff. Like never to rely on anyone. Never to trust anyone.
I know there are some who will say that making a decision to not trust anyone again and choose not to get close to anyone, is unhealthy. And maybe for some it is.
For me, I am done with ever expecting anything deeper than shallow relationships. I am already grieving too many relationships and the list gets longer. It’s not like I haven’t tried. Admittedly, I am clearly not good at seeking out healthy people.
But, I am at the stage of not trusting myself, to not seek out relationships that ultimately will hurt me. I ignore red flags, because I get attached to people and I don’t want to believe that person, is not healthy. I don’t want to face it ending and the deep and intense emotions I feel, of abandonment. Continue reading
I’m surviving the only way I know that doesn’t get me more hurt.
Numbed out, doing what’s expected of me. Don’t argue, don’t stand up for myself, agree with whatever people want.
Life is easier that way.
I have children to consider and they have to come before me.
And I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me and no-one to help me and I can’t cope with everything going on, on my own.
It’s easy for people to say I should be doing XYZ. It’s easy for my counsellor to project what she believes and remind me frequently how she thinks I have courage, but no wisdom. It’s easy for everyone to say what ‘they’ think. And to make me feel like a failure and more shame, for not doing what is ‘expected’ of me.
Dissociation has kept me alive in my life and it continues to. I am increasingly retreating into my own little world, like I used to as a child. There, I am me and imagine life as it should be. It’s the only way I can cope. Just be me in my own world, and what everyone else wants when I have to be present.
I am aware of my capacity to be in robot mode when really stressed or having overwhelming emotions, and still fully function, but just in a zoned out mode.
I am aware it is due to stress, anxiety and fear for my future. The future for my children.
I am forcing myself to eat, water my gardens etc.
I am eating because I know I need to.
I am watering my gardens and pots, because I need to, or they’ll die.
But, all sense of enjoyment for things I had started enjoying, has gone and has been gone for a few weeks now.
I can make myself be out of this robot mode around my children and plug in, but the rest of the time… numb.
I don’t know if this is good or bad, because I have decisions to make …… and I am now having no emotional connection when I think about it.