Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


The ego, is a pesky critter, that prevents learning, growth, maturity.

I see so clearly how many people are unteachable and have egos that need to be protected at all costs. They cannot face being ‘wrong’ and as such do not learn, grow or mature, until they face this issue.

Most adults think they know it all and whatever they are thinking, however they are behaving, must be okay. Little self reflection, little self honesty, little humility.

And this is why I feel like I am often with children/teenagers, in adult bodies. And that ego state, continues on, throughout adulthood for many people. I also see a lot of hurt inner children, walking around in adult bodies. Acting in bizarre ways, that reflect their inner pain, they often then project onto others. Continue reading


Bad behaviour is often defended as normal, to defend ego.

I have two children who could not be more different. Same gene pool, very different personalities. And I love them both and love both their personalities. My eldest son, is more challenging to parent and struggles with his behaviour management, more than his brother. And I am very honest about my children.

My younger son, is mature for his age and well behaved. And due to me raising my sons to love each other, they don’t fight much.

I’ve had my younger son described in a slightly irritated way, as ‘not a normal child’, because he is easy going, well behaved.

I could be offended by this, but I’m not, because I know it was only said, as a defence response from someone who’s children all fight. ‘That’ is deemed the only ‘normal’ behaviour for children. Which is not true. It was clearly perceived to the ego as a negative reflection about parenting capabilities. When it isn’t.

Instead of recognising my younger sons behaviour as a positive and a good thing, it is easier to deem him not normal. When in fact, he is very normal. Just well behaved normal. And it was very insensitive to suggest my son isn’t normal. But, there was no empathy or self awareness. Whereas, I never speak negatively about other people’s children, because I have sensitivity. I’m always nice, even if a child is having horrible behaviour.

My response, was to calmly state my younger sons behaviour is very normal and there is no one type of normal behaviour in children.

It made me realise just how much people defend negative behaviours and why. Continue reading


The human ego, is a destructive critter.

I see the human ego and the destruction it causes everywhere.

The human ego blinds people to the truth and it can be very covert and very non obvious to most.

Even in those who seem wise and like to promote themselves as caring ‘people’ persons. Their need to be seen as that and believe they ‘are’ that …….. blinds their perception of the truth in many ways – about self and about others.

The human ego is responsible for so much destruction, suffering and harm in this world and I see that clearly.

It blinds people to truth, honesty, insight and reality.

And I only know this, due to how much I have studied humanity to survive, and also because I am willing to go deep within to my own self…… with honesty. And this has enabled me, to see so many issues within others and where people are blind, but think they see.

Only those willing to be really honest with and about self, have the capacity to see the reality of others, with clear vision.


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Why I will never trust a human being. Because I see what is in the core of human behaviour.

My discernment and insight skills are pretty deep. I actually wish they weren’t, but that’s one of the outcomes of all the abuse I have endured in my life, due to the survival need of vigilance.

People mostly act from their own needs and then project that outwards.

I’ve even realised this is what my counsellor does. She has this need to be a ‘good Christian’, and be nice/compassionate to everyone, so in order to make that possible, she has formulated a set of her own needs/views to be able to deal with abusive people….. and then projects that onto others.

She ‘needs’ – for herself, to deal with abusers and abuse as ‘neutral’. She doesn’t want to see abusers as ‘bad’ people, because she has to be nice to them. So the self needy easy road, is to view them as neutral.

And she has projected that onto me……….. which is nothing to do with ‘my’ needs……. it’s ‘her’ own issues.

She shamed me into believing ‘her’ needs are wise, and to see abusive relationships as adequate. Even though that is such bad advice to give to me. But, her needs and views were paramount above the needs of her client. Not intentionally, but never-the-less, that’s the bottom line.

People have this ‘self-driven’ behaviour all the time and then can justify their own needs – as compassion, grace, mercy and forgiveness.

And I don’t think this makes someone a bad person, but humanity is selfish and acts from own needs.

But, this is why I will never trust anyone.

No-one can be trusted.

I don’t trust my counsellor.

I don’t trust anyone.

I will remain alone for the rest of my life, because I know not to trust humanity.

This gets proven to me, over and over.


I have come to understand, everyone has their areas of poor beliefs, poor mental health.

I see this very clearly.

I wanted the Pope to be a wonderful role model for Christianity, and he is in many ways, but he believes in physical abuse to children, and called that ‘beautiful’. And that is the opposite of God. Of course, he will be adamant he is right and I am wrong.

I wanted my counsellor, to be someone who I could always assume had wisdom, and now I see very clearly – that she too supports abusive relationships and calls them ‘adequate’. And has a weird need to always defend abusers, and use words that are hurtful and justifies them. Of course, she will be adamant she is right and I am wrong.

I see people’s ‘stuff’ everywhere, in abundance on social media and it concerns me greatly and I don’t like it. I know I have my own stuff too.

The reason this all bothers me so much, is I hate abuse being condoned and people suffering. But, also because it scares me. Because I have been abused so much. So, I cut people off, and don’t tolerate people’s issues, as some will say I ‘should’.

I would rather be completely alone, than hurt anymore.

I actually like and prefer being alone now.

I would rather have shallow connections with people, than risk getting harmed, lied to, or have other people’s shit projected onto me. I do want to reach out and help people who are suffering, and I do, but I don’t want ‘relationships’ anymore.

And considering all I have been though, I don’t believe this is a bad thing……. it is a self care, protection mode. But I do know, this is my ‘stuff’. I have self insight.

Other people’s stuff, is what I can’t cope with …….. because people are inherently selfish, egotistic beings.

And for whatever reasons there may be………. that is how I get hurt and how I clearly see society is getting hurt.


The fine line between martyrs & narcissists…

Interesting reading on what I also see within society within Christianity, as those who truly are martyrs, and often narcissists, and yet don’t realise it. And will be very upset if you point this out.

I have always noticed this, had the red flags and know narcissistic martyr behaviour when I see it. Of course, that is never received well.


http://open.salon.com/blog/oryoki_bowl/2011/03/10/of_narcissists_and_martyrs_whos_who

I was struck by this idea yesterday, driving home from work, about the perhaps narrower line between the one and the other than we might assume.  I believe that when we think “narcissist”, we are only thinking of the classics.  Recent history (like the last few weeks of news) has inserted a few new narcissists into the public archive- although there was no surprise there- such as Mr. Sheen and Mr Gaddafi, Mr Berlosconi now on trial on Italy, Mr. West of music and making idiotic comment fame.

These men live in their completely self involved and self deluded world, mirrored by hand selected sycophantic nubile nymphs and entourages of beta males.  Every man who is not him is a beta male.  Or less.  No men want to be a beta male, but having to accept that, many will go for an A in Asskissing. If you remember which one of you is the sun, you might get some radiation, I mean, radiant heat from his glow.  Eventually, things burn down.

All of them see themselves as unique, amazing individuals who have been unfairly singled out, and unfairly criticized while they live in truth, and stand for something much greater than our average feeble minds can understand.  They could lead a cult.  Oh wait, they already do. 

It’s not too hard to find lesser narcissists among us.  In what used to be a rarer occurrence (blame the lamestream media and the interwebs), we now have weekly if not daily occurrences of these men driven, DRIVEN, by a higher force, to share themselves with the world.  They can’t help it, they have to bring the message to the public.  Be like me, I am like a god. Listen to me, god speaks through me.  For those not on the god channel, with considerably less musical talent, an incapacity to get elected to office, or a face just not up there for the movie industry, our pantheon of minor narcissists finds paid work in the pulpit of enthusiastic religious crowds, the parapet of counter-politics, and the publishing world of instant self recognition- now with video.  

The message is the same, the content and delivery and audience different.  I am here to serve you, the masses, by gracing you with my brilliance. I have no choice, I suffer, for you.  This will end by the hand of god, I will have to die in a blaze of glory.  I will not go down without a fight to the death, taking any and all with me.  How is that not a martyr?

On the flipside of martyrdom, we often find our long suffering, more commonly recognized martyrs attached to the world of “good”.  They get out there and slog all day long, unrepenting, unrelenting, and unreimbursed.  Some get some “free” media coverage, but they are not the hero, they are the fighter of the cause.  Also suffering, also fighting the good fight or the right fight, they will go down with the ship.  Or the unpopular vote.  Their narcissist enemies will paint them into self involved, outside egos.  They know how to do this very well.

Our “lesser” martyrs among us can often be found in social service groups- like church, elementary schools, hospital settings.  These are the ladies, and men, who just refuse to say “no” and take on yet another thing because that is their sworn duty.  To god, or to themselves.  It is why they are here.  I am all for having some purpose to guide your life, a few mottos and philosophies to inform our decision-making. Blind adherence becomes short sighted, the vision of how we want to see ourselves in the mirror, how we would like others to see us.  

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