Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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When the glimmer of hope, is gone.

Denial, lies…. always the choice of those lacking in self insight and lacking in any integrity, empathy, or capacity for honesty.

I guess I had a glimmer of hope that there would be some recognition of the truth in a current situation.

But, now that is gone.

More lies, more denial.

As hard as this will be for me, I have to not respond, because I will just be harming myself more.

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Toxic shame plagues my life – a frank, honest and open post to my page, to reach out to others.

Shame – a toxic and very common issue, for trauma survivors.

Shame is a huge issue for many trauma/abuse survivors and I know this has plagued my whole life.

Due to so much abuse, I have always felt deep down I am a bad person, who ‘deserves’ to be abused, as I was told by many.

I have never felt ‘good enough’ all my life, and that even continues on now, even believing I am not ‘good enough’ in the eyes of my counsellor.

The shame of being someone abused by so many people and that continual re-enforcement that I feel like am inherently ‘bad’, causes considerable emotional pain.

The toxic shame of child sexual abuse, also brings many deep and painful issues, including those highly emotive issues of re-enactment of abuse and subconsciously seeking out relationships with people who will hurt me. And none of this was a ‘conscious’ understanding of what I have been doing, and now I do understand it, it brings so much shame and pain with it.

shame

Now, I am trying to deal with all the many deeply painful emotions and all the intense life long grieving – that goes with all this.

And sometimes, it feels unbearable.

I am sharing this, only because I know if I am enduring this, others will be too and I want to reach out to people for them to know, there is someone who understands all this and the shame we can feel.

And please know, that intellectual understanding of all this……which I do have….. does not mean we are suddenly healed……it takes a long time, as I am seeing with myself.

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Daniela Sieff, audio from her speaking about her work, at the RSA.

https://www.thersa.org/discover/audio/2015/03/how-to-understand-and-heal-emotional-trauma/

I am so thankful for Daniela researching and writing about the deep consequences of emotional trauma.

I will listen to this repeatedly and I know one thing that stood out….

“When we shame ourselves into change, we only create more shame” – Daniela F Sieff

I am so understanding this and how the constant shame of not being ‘good enough’ and continually hearing these messages from society and even in counselling, I just feel more and more shame.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Dr Daniela F. Sieff, writer and researcher; Alison Critchley, Chief Executive of RSA Academies

We are becoming increasingly aware of how widespread trauma is, and of the huge costs it imposes not only on individuals and their immediate communities, but also on society more generally.

But what exactly do we mean by the word ‘trauma’?

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Glad to see Brene Brown – speaking about how victims are ‘silenced’ in many covert ways.

Victims of abuse are shamed all the time into silence.

I get it in counselling, because it’s most church people’s way – to silence victims from speaking out and the levels of shame inducing behaviours church people inflict, is beyond disgusting. And show the abusers the compassion…. only. Of course, their ego’s refuse to see that. Whatever makes their lives easy and makes them ‘look’ like and ‘feel’ like, good Christians.

I am so thankful to see Prof. Brene Brown – an expert on society’s huge issues of shame, speaking up about the covert ways people are silenced, about how being expected to be walking on egg shells – is not okay and how we do need to speak up.

Glad to see someone with the guts to say this.


The man who studies everyday evil. Explains my husband.

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20150130-the-man-who-studies-evil?ocid=global_future_rss

When I read this – the triple whammy of dark triads traits – selfishness, manipulation and unkind – this describes my husband.

He is completely selfish, very manipulative and very unkind – with a deficit of empathy, remorse, guilt, conscience.

He has zero remorse for anything that he has done wrong in life…… all the affairs behind his ex wife’s back, screwing his own auntie, all the lies he tells – and he admits to the ones I know about and has no remorse – just lots of excuses or a tough luck attitude. Lying by omission, projecting, gas-lighting etc.

No empathy for anything I have endured. I have told him things a few times – about being me being raped, including as a child – and there is no emotional response at all – he just looks at me – blankly, waits for me stop talking and then continues watching the TV.

That is so far from normal.

He’s manipulating my emotions, by letting me know frequently enough about the ‘only’ cop ‘friend’ he talks about – Sue. And lets me know how close they are, how they talk about their personal lives. In his covertly narcissistic way, he wants me to feel threatened and anxious as to what may be going on there, knowing as I do, that he is a serial adulterer, and has no remorse and lies, denies, lies by omission.

And when I tell him how this causes me such anxiety and stress, he has no empathy and has no awareness of why this is an issues to me, but is only bothered, by me telling him that what he does is wrong.

His only emotions are for self, in particular ones about being defensive, and narcissistic injury.

He enjoys TV programs that are about people getting hurt and laughs at them a lot, like that very immature and horrible TV show Ridiculousness, that I have now banned my 12 year old from watching. He likes shows/movies with a lot of low morality issues, lots of sex and nudity, and about psychopaths – James Bond movies are his favourite. And sarcasm, anything with lots of sarcasm.

Today, he gave me the sneering threat of telling me I will end up homeless on the streets, without him and his income.

I hate myself, for ending up this ^^^^ as the father of my children and my husband.

It makes me cringe and want to go and shower and scrub myself raw, to know how many times I have had sex with that.


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My husband just pulled the threat of ‘you can’t live without me’.

Whilst talking about how we are splitting up, my husband just sneeringly stated that I can’t live without him, I won’t get public housing, I won’t even find a homeless shelter, if he leaves and because I can’t pay the mortgage.

What a narcissistic fucking ego that is – to sneer at me – that I can’t manage/cope without him.

I will manage without him and I will find somewhere to live with my children, if my house gets sold.

This is classic narcissism, to think that he is so important that I wont be able to manage a life for myself and my children, without him and his income.

And it is a threat too.

He wants to hold control and the threat over me, that I can’t cope without him.

Emotional abuse.

100%.


Wish more people realised the severe affects of emotional abuse.

There is so much BS perpetuated …….. that unless it’s physical or sexual abuse, then it’s ‘not that bad’.

I see this clearly in society and even more so perpetuated in church people.

Even mental health professionals, have not all got their heads around this.

Some will consider an emotionally abusive relationship – as ‘adequate’……….. but if there is physical abuse, then it’s different.

So wrong.

emotional abuse2


Emotional abuse is like being stabbed, on the inside. I am not tolerating this, anymore.

emotional abuse

I am truly OVER people dismissing emotional abuse.

It is very damaging and a relationship of any kind where emotional abuse is occurring – is painful, soul destroying and never ‘adequate’.

I have recently made it very clear to my husband – I am not tiptoeing around him, having to force myself to be what ‘he’ wants, being scared of what may happen, worrying about what lies I am being told, worrying about what he is doing…. not anymore.

I’ve made it very clear – if you are having an affair, or I find out you have had/are – you are out, bags packed. I will NOT tolerate that. If he wants to be with other people, that is okay, but he ends this relationship first, like a decent human being.

I will not tip toe around him anymore, to pacify ‘his’ personality disorder issues.

I will not ignore, minimize, avoid, justify, excuse, or tolerate anymore of his lying, responsibility avoidance, manipulation.

He keeps lying or any of his other disordered/disturbed behaviours, he is out, bags packed, no longer welcome in my home, with my children.

He gets his act together, stops the emotional abuse, or our relationship is over.

My wellbeing *is* paramount for me, over his issues……. because I *need* to be strong for my children…… because my children *are* my priority – over him and his issues.

That’s the consequences he faces, if he chooses to continue with his abusive behaviours.

Because I know, these behaviours are still a ‘choice’, as per the experts in personality disorders and abusive people.

If he chooses to grow, mature, accept his issues, then I will support him.

But unconditional love, is not about unconditionally accepting bad, abusive behaviours.