Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Asked to do a reading at church…. So had to say why I couldn’t.

Having anxiety and PTSD, means the last thing I want to do when in new environments, is public speaking.

It’s only my third visit to church and the minister asked me if I would the Bible reading. I panicked immediately and said I couldn’t do it, as I have anxiety issues. I felt bad that I couldn’t do it. Had anxiety all the way through the service.

At the end of the service, when the minister came and spoke to us, I apologised for being unable to do the reading and told her I have PTSD. She was really nice about it and I could feel myself starting to get emotional. Once she stopped speaking to my sons, we swiftly left, because the last thing I want at this new church, is Continue reading

Being empathic, is not easy or pleasant. But, it’s okay to show emotions to people in pain.

Being someone who feels other people’s pain, is not easy, or pleasant. It means you feel the pain others are feeling. I am pretty good at managing emotions these days, but there are times when it becomes more than I can handle.

Today, I was in tears, when a friend was upset and in a lot of pain. I felt her pain with her, because I can put myself in her shoes and imagine how painful it will feel. I ended up in tears with her. Which I was annoyed at myself for at the time, because I want to be able to manage my emotions better.

However, on reflection, I think it is okay to show emotions when someone is so upset. It shows you are human and you care enough for them, to be emotional for them. It shows you are not disconnected from your own emotions.

After writing about how mental health professionals being ‘clinical’ and emotionally detached while discussing highly emotion issues, I see that my capacity to be in tears for another person in pain, is not wrong. Continue reading


“You are stronger than you think you are”…. But really……. am I?

This week at counselling, it was all about emotions. And fear. The intensity of emotions, the right to have them and feel them, and my incapacity to deal with them. And all the fear reasons and how intense that fear is.

I tried to explain I know the depth of my increasing understanding of what has happened to me in the first 20 years of my life, outweighs my capacity to deal with intensity of the emotions I feel about it all.

My counsellor said she feels I am stronger than I think I am and she believes I can deal with intensity of the emotions, if I get to a safe enough place to allow them to be felt.

I wonder if she really believes that, or feels obliged to say it? Because to agree with me that I don’t have the capacity to deal with all, is not ‘what counsellors say’. Counsellors are meant to encourage you and tell you – you will make it, you are strong enough. Continue reading


Trying really hard not to hate myself.

All my life, I have turned intense emotions about other people hurting me, inwards and hated myself. As I was taught to do in the first 20 years of my life.

Trying really hard not to do this right now, and I can feel that inner pain of self hatred rising up, those lifelong messages of how I am not worthy of anyone treating me appropriately…..how I must deserve people hurting me. Those deep and intense emotions of betrayal and abandonment fear and abandonment depression setting in.

I think it’s actually easier to hate myself, than accept the full reality of the hurt other people choose to inflict. I have to acknowledge betrayal and how the person didn’t care about me. If I hate myself, I can avoid that. But, I have insight now into what I do and I am aware of this and how I should not hate myself. As I know now, that is self harming.

I want to go to the person concerned and just cry and beg her not to do this to me. And I can’t and it wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It would just humiliate myself. And it wouldn’t undo the damage already done.

All day I have been emotionally numb, as is my norm currently – and it takes one email rubbing salt in the already painful wound, and those intense emotions are there, demanding to be felt.  Continue reading

I don’t do drunk texting…… I do drunk emailing…. :/

I am getting much better at not reacting when sober. I’m pretty good at that now. Self control is definitely increased. A lot!

But tonight (and drinking does not happen often)….. I am a little drunk and have sent an email …….. I now cannot un-email :-/


Ahhh well, it only contains the truth about how I feel and it is a nice email, although probably not entirely appropriate.

Note to self………….. Never. Email. Drunk. Ever!!