Asked to do a reading at church…. So had to say why I couldn’t.

Having anxiety and PTSD, means the last thing I want to do when in new environments, is public speaking.

It’s only my third visit to church and the minister asked me if I would the Bible reading. I panicked immediately and said I couldn’t do it, as I have anxiety issues. I felt bad that I couldn’t do it. Had anxiety all the way through the service.

At the end of the service, when the minister came and spoke to us, I apologised for being unable to do the reading and told her I have PTSD. She was really nice about it and I could feel myself starting to get emotional. Once she stopped speaking to my sons, we swiftly left, because the last thing I want at this new church, is

Trust issues, continue to cause isolation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I am aware I have huge trust issues. I don’t consider people ‘bad’ if I don’t trust them. I just need to protect myself. With good reason. I’m aware I also do give people chances, but once I decide they are no longer trustworthy, that is that.

I’ve brought this up in counselling and I explained as best I could that due to things that were not helpful or okay that have been said, I have trust issues. The trust issues, are based in considerable fear. Fear of being hurt anymore. Fear of being abused. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of many things.

Severe, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, does this to you. And is very valid. Abnormal life experiences, mean someone sees life differently – due to the greater/deeper experiences endured…… to those who have led more average lives. And when it involves past and more recent trauma by church people, issues within my marriage….. that fear of trust, keeps going.

If I could focus on trauma just being within the first half of my life, it might be easier. But, my trauma history, has been throughout my entire life. And by many people. I also realise, due to having to process the extent and depth of severity of my trauma history – which is more trauma …. I am in survival mode. And that creates greater issues with trust, fear, withdrawing – all those things that I have needed to deal with, to survive.

“You are stronger than you think you are”…. But really……. am I?

This week at counselling, it was all about emotions. And fear. The intensity of emotions, the right to have them and feel them, and my incapacity to deal with them. And all the fear reasons and how intense that fear is.

I tried to explain I know the depth of my increasing understanding of what has happened to me in the first 20 years of my life, outweighs my capacity to deal with intensity of the emotions I feel about it all.

My counsellor said she feels I am stronger than I think I am and she believes I can deal with intensity of the emotions, if I get to a safe enough place to allow them to be felt.

I wonder if she really believes that, or feels obliged to say it? Because to agree with me that I don’t have the capacity to deal with all, is not ‘what counsellors say’. Counsellors are meant to encourage you and tell you – you will make it, you are strong enough.

Devastatingly sad to know children use blankets as security & safety, when raised in abusive homes.

I posted about ‘weighted blankets’ on my page just now and a survivor stated how as a child she would wrap herself up in a heavy blanket and sing to herself until she fell asleep.

I am sat writing this with tears pouring down my face, trying not to sob.

Children should not be needing to seek safety, comfort and soothing from a blanket, because their parents are so abusive and neglectful.

So, so sad. And has triggered a lot of distress to remembering myself doing this as a child. Crying, scared, alone.

A child should not live in the level of fear, being unsafe, harmed, abused, alone, distressed …… trying to substitute a blanket for what the parents are meant to be providing.

Updated website with a page about complex childhood trauma – wiring the brain for fear.

I am often updating and adding to my Website.

I have now added a page, which I will continue to add to, with info about the child’s brain becoming wired for fear, if they experience childhood complex trauma.

And how this is not something you can just ‘get over’. And why.

My website receives a lot of traffic, and the more that understand this, the better.

http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!brain-wired-for-fear/c18ox

Update, also added a page with links to educate about the life impacting consequences to mental and physical health, caused by complex trauma.

Fear…. my ever faithful companion.

I accept my brain is wired for fear. I’ve accepted this has been my ‘normal’ all my life and this fear has intensified and compounded through every trauma, every abuse, every hurt and harm caused to me. I feel deeply sad that I have known fear and anxiety since I can ever remember and probably before that.

Yesterday was a bizarre day. It was a good day and surprising things happened, that gave me hope yesterday.

Today, all I feel is anxiety, fear and apprehension about it. This is how much fear is within me. Fear of people.

I have no reasons to believe I can trust anyone. But, plenty of reasons to know I can’t.

To heal severe complex trauma, you need to be in safe, healing relationships. I don’t have this.

I’m not in safe relationships. I am not in a safe relationship in my marriage, or in counselling. Both for different reasons, but the bottom line is I am not safe. And I don’t have anyone else.

My life is fear, anxiety, vigilance, depression, grieving, dissociation, aloneness, every day. I am not healing.

Desperate times, means desperate behaviours.

I think I am at that point, where I’m so filled with fear and depression, that I am no longer thinking in a reasonable way. I’m behaving irrationally right now and at the point where I don’t even know what I am doing.

I am so scared, desperate and consumed with fear.

I feel like I did as a child.

And consumed with intense fear of being abandoned.

Poem ~ Red Flags & Fear

Poem – Red Flags & Fear

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

A life of pain

Learned so very young

Watch, discern and fear

Their many red flags

.

Learned from masters

Of lies, harm, manipulation

They taught me deeply

Of worst in humanity

.

Testing continual

My subconscious mind

I will find your lies

And your red flags

.