Anger is necessary, as part of healing & grieving.

I wrote a blog yesterday, about how I am not defined by all the abusers have done to me, I am defined by my courage to survive it all, to overcome it all and be a good person.

I struggle to allow myself anger. I suppress it. And I feel a lot of confusion and fear, when I feel anger. Yet, I know anger is a very needed, appropriate and normal emotion, after abuse and trauma. Especially the severity of trauma I have endured.

This came up in counselling last week, were I tried to explain I know I have anger within me. And I can’t cope with it, so I just suppress it.

This week in counselling, While explaining this processing I have been doing, I tentatively said, the success of this blog, my website and all the amazing feedback I get – is kind of a big middle finger, to all those who harmed me.

I said this tentatively, because I am conflicted as to whether giving all the abusers the middle finger, is appropriate and okay. I realise I was apprehensive, as to whether my counsellor would feel this was wrong. Whether this would make me a ‘bad’ person.

Her response, was very encouraging of me writing about this anger I feel and indeed, putting a pic of a middle finger, to all those who harmed me, mistreated me, abused me and treated me as a worthless person. And how this is okay to do on my blog.

So deeply sad to know, I would probably have been better off in foster care.

It is a sad state of grieving, to know I would have probably been less abused and less neglected, had I been put into foster care. Yes, the foster care system is not always positive and abuse and neglect does occur. It is also traumatising for children to be removed from their family. And that is so sad for everyone who endures this.

But, I also need to acknowledge, I probably would have been better off, if this had happened to me.

Being the survivor of complex trauma and every kind of abuse, including being sexually exploited by my mother and step father, for their paedophile and sex offender friends, I may very well have been better off in foster care.

My mother is a narcissist and has sociopath traits and my step father was a sociopath, so the levels of emotional, mental and psychological abuse, were profound, severe and continuing. Throughout my entire childhood. And knowing it is your own parents who caused such severe intentional abuse, is worse than anyone else doing it. It causes such deep wounds, to know your own parents wanted you to suffer and continually made you suffer.

I don’t have a pre-trauma identity. Severe ongoing complex trauma and abuse, was occurring from my earliest memories and no doubt prior to that.

I validate how painful it is, to grieve a stolen childhood, filled with severe ongoing abuse, fear and neglect.

http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!complex-ptsd–grieving/c1ze1

Pete Walker explains grieving childhood complex trauma, so well. Pete will always be a special person in my life, as he voiced words I needed to hear and had never heard from anyone else. I am so thankful he gave me permission to use his work, to help reach others.

Grieving childhood complex trauma, is a lifelong journey.

People ‘telling people’ how to grieve & there is only one way to grieve, lack empathy & insight.

Whenever someone says there is only one way to deal with some kind of trauma, such as grieving the death of a loved one, I know I am dealing with someone lacking in insight and empathy.

There are many different ways people process grieving. And no-one can say which is right or wrong.

Black and white thinking about issues, is the mark of someone who has cognitively distorted thinking, and chooses to only see something one way and their way is the only way.

It is also harmful to tell people how they ‘should’ grieve, what grieving should look like and how long it should take.

Notice the word ‘should’. There is no should in rational, mature, deep thinking. ‘Should’ is a cognitive distortion of it’s own.

Telling someone how to grieve, also ‘shames’ people and makes them feel their pain and emotion are wrong. They are not  wrong.

Sia – Breathe Me. Still end up here at times.

This is one of my all time favourite songs. In particular this version, as it is so raw in emotions.

It is breath-takingly beautiful.

Poem – Unrequited Love. Hurts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I dream of you often

At night

In the day.

.

My love for you,

Not reciprocated

I know and feel

This all too well.

.

But my love is not

Dependent on yours

As true love never is.

.

I want what I cannot have

It hurts my heart.

Tears fall.

.

You cannot be

What I want you to be.

My heart sighs.

Unrequited love. Hurts.

When you have deep emotional feelings for a person, and you know you have love for them and that’s not reciprocated, it’s painful. I have loved people in my life and they have not loved me. And this is not about romantic love.

When it’s really significant people and you are someone who feels deeply, it’s really hard. It’s okay to validate this and understand the grieving that comes from not being loved, by people you love dearly.

It’s one of those life issues you cannot fix, you have no control over and no matter what you do… it is not ever resolved the way you want.

Grieving is hard.

We found out today, my husbands nana has passed away. My husband is sad. His dad is really sad – as he was very close to his mum and loved her dearly. I know how painful this will be for him. I’m sad. Grieving is hard. It’s hard when you can’t go to the funeral as well and you feel unable to console people and be there for them.

Although we were not really close, my husband’s family are more of a family to me, than mine ever were. In the last few years, 3 grandparents have all passed. They were kinder to me, than any of my natural family members.