Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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It’s okay to miss people.

 

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I miss people I can’t have in my life anymore. Even some that have really hurt me. I want to not miss them, but I do.

I know this is normal and that no matter the reason for someone not being in your life anymore, if they meant a lot to you, then missing them happens. And it hurts.

It’s sad when relationships of any kind end, due to harm caused, if it’s repeated or ongoing harm, or things that cannot be tolerated any longer. It’s so sad that people hurt each other Continue reading


People can exit your life, so quickly.

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It’s sad how someone who was in your life in such a significant way for an extended period of time, who you cared about no doubt far more than you should have… can be gone from your life, so quickly.

Life does indeed go on. But, it’s okay to validate the loss, the emotions, the grieving. Especially when you know they don’t care at all, because their actions spoke so loudly.

I feel a sense of resigned, calm, knowing, grieving. I note there is no fear involved, as there was in the past. No panic to want to resolve the situation Continue reading


Soothes the soul…

The good part about my husband doing shift work, is during the school holidays, he is able to spend more time with our children during the day. Shift work means I spend a lot of time on my own, which I like, but my children often see more of their dad. Today, he is starting work at 2pm, so we were able to have a morning out, at one of our favourite places.

Our children had lots of fun. My 6 year old, delightfully decided it was a ‘huge adventure’ – where we crossed the great rocks, passed through the desert (sand), over the adventure playground and back to the treasure – the car. He really is a delightful little boy and I am so blessed with my children.

I also needed to get out of the house and out of my head. Grieving is always hard Continue reading


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There is a “greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”

There is a famous quote… “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” Maya Angelo

I understand the quote and the damage and consequences, of bearing an untold story within. Especially if it about abuse, neglect and trauma. I understand and see many of the psychological consequences of unresolved trauma. I see it everywhere. Society is full of it.

But, dealing with the reality and truth of my life and the past and ongoing consequences of the trauma I have endured, is greater agony, for me.

My past has affected too many areas of my life and continues to. Areas I cannot talk about. Not in counselling. Not with anyone. Dealing with that reality, is agony. It was easier when I didn’t understand all this.

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Truth…. really hurts.

At my last conversation with my counsellor, she told me my capacity to think on many levels, and hold many different appropriate trains of thoughts about horrendous situations, plus all the appropriate emotions that go with them, is rare. And it has been said to me, my capacity to deal with the truth and the reality of my past, is very courageous and is not a path many choose to take.

One of the many different trains of thoughts I have, and understanding I have, is my abusers’ mental health and past history are not an excuse for the choices they made to abuse/harm me. They all knew right from wrong. It was all intentional. Over periods of years. It was deliberate, planned and they enjoyed it. Their mental health was not an excuse. Their past possible abuse, was not an excuse. They may have been contributing factors. But, they were in no way excuses. They still made choices to do what was wrong. Knowing it was abuse. And it was horrific abuse. Continue reading


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The reality of having no counselling anymore, is setting in.

The reality of my counselling ending, has started to really sink in. So many emotions, grieving, sadness, annoyance at myself for trusting someone…. all things that I feel deeply.

I’ve realised more than ever over the last few weeks, just how agenda driven, self serving and unaware of this within themselves, so many people are. Several situations have arisen lately, that have shown this so clearly.

My trust issues have kind of shifted, from a deep fear of trusting people…. to a deep awareness of how little people can actually be trusted.

Even though my counselling over the last 3 years has never been perfect and has always had red flags and issues crop up…. I think just having it there…. still felt like some kind of support.

And for a long time I clung onto it. Desperately. Like you do when you are drowning and it’s the only life support you have, to keep you alive. Continue reading


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I realise my counselling, worsened my shame and trust issues.

Throughout my counselling, no validation or support about how the abuse I suffered was not my fault/blame/shame, was ever offered.

I had to ask recently, for it. After 3 years of counselling. It really is bizarre.

That combined with the continual opinions about abusers and how they ‘should’ be thought about being vocalised, and the continual forcing me to believe the way I think ‘isn’t good enough’, I realise now, made my journey harder.

I don’t believe (or at least I don’t want to) this was intentional, but many counsellors have their own agenda’s and their own personal reasons for needing to view people a certain way and that gets projected onto clients. Even when this is not in the clients best interests.

I do see absolutely clearly, how a counsellors role is to help a severe abuse/sexual abuse/child abuse/child sexual abuse, exploitation survivor…….. to feel safe and to know it wasn’t their fault. And that was never offered to me, until I recently asked for that validation. And I realise that in having to ask, it is too little, too late. Continue reading


Child sexual abuse perpetrated by a child’s own parents, is the most profound trauma to a child.

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Child sexual abuse by parents, whether incest, or sexual exploitation, is profound trauma, that causes many deep layers of trauma.

Child sexual abuse is also physical abuse/assault, deep emotional and psychological abuse and severe neglect to a child.  Continue reading


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“Who were you dating at 17?” So distressing to see this question.

While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.

It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.

I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.

By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.

By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.

I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.

I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me. Continue reading


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Grieving the crucial healing needs, never met.

I’ve come to realise that severe prolonged trauma, in childhood and then it continuing into adulthood, is a level of suffering no-one understand unless they have endured it.

And for many who have endured it, they are still suppressing, minimizing, in denial. And many do not have insight into the trauma and it’s consequences.

This leaves very few people, who will truly understand the suffering, the many prolonged & severe trauma’s, the many painful consequences… or where I am at.

And I am not angry, or upset with all those people, at all. And for all those who have never endured this level of trauma, I am so thankful they haven’t. But, I am angry and upset that I have no-one physically in my life who ‘gets it’. Or ‘get’s me’. And angry and upset about what and who caused this.

It’s like I am still being punished. Continue reading