I don’t have any desire to write in any detail about how I feel today.
It’s a bad day with severe depression, grieving and every little thing is irritating and upsetting me.
This is my blog and here is my ‘safer’ place to write about how I feel, all my emotions and what I am enduring. And I do this here, in a very real, genuine, honest and transparent way.
Any comments invalidating or minimizing my emotions and journey, are deleted.
It has taken me 43 years, to be able to allow my emotions and feelings and I do that now.
I am allowed to grieve – as this is a very necessary and massive part of healing.
Grieving as much trauma/abuse as I have endured – takes time and is very painful.
If it takes me years to get to a good place, then that is how my healing journey is meant to be.
Tuesdays were counselling day. Were. I had appointments booked every Tuesday, for the rest of this year.
I’ve ended counselling, for reasons already blogged about. But I know the bond I had – unhealthy or not – it was there for me and I had feelings and emotions regarding my counsellor. Now I am aware I have intense emotions of abandonment depression, fear, betrayal due to the issues that went on.
Tuesdays are tough, really tough.
They once represented speaking with the person I believed I could trust, the person I believed was my only support. Someone who would be there for me, about everything from my past. And would be there if things got really bad with my husband. The person I could tell my fears and emotions to. Someone who was supposed to have my best interests at heart and I really wanted to believe this.
I have a love/hate relationship with being alone. I love being alone and I need it. The introvert, wise old soul part of me, that needs space and solitude. I also at times, feel desperately lonely.
Due to my past – I’ve only ever known unhealthy relationships, with unhealthy, self serving, shallow people.
I’ve completely given up on human interaction of the depth, integrity and honesty I need. I accept that due to all I have already endured, all I have learned as a result, I need non shallow, non superficial relationships, with depth, honesty, trust and that has never existed in my life.
I will spend the rest of my life alone – even if surrounded by people – and I know that. I face a life of having to be what other people want from me, but not having my needs met.
This reminds me of things my first counsellor (who I really miss) said to me… “you are someone who can always give far more to others, than people can give back to you”. And she said other things to me like how I had “completely outgrown the church I used to attend”. And how my “spiritual/faith progression was way past most”. I see how this also relates to emotional needs progression too. I realise she was saying that I have outgrown most people.
In the evenings when everyone is in bed, is when I feel my emotions. I spend most days, trying so hard not to allow my ‘stuff’ to affect my family, that by the time it gets to the evening, I often feel exhausted and unable to keep those emotions from rising up.
The weekends are worse for me, because my children are home all day. This weekend my husband is too.
I had to go out earlier, to get a break. In fact, I went out twice.
Depression, grieving, intense emotions to suppress, PTSD, nightmares, anxiety, counselling ending, the ongoing reality of my marriage, putting on a brave face all day …… is a painful, heavy load to carry.
The grieving is beyond hard … so many relationships, so much abuse and trauma, all compounding and intensifying the severity.
I realise this is one reason I don’t intend to get close to anyone anymore. I don’t want to take the risk of ending up grieving that too.
I don’t even know if I can handle the load I have already, indefinitely.
I’ve been grieving since I was a child.
Since shutting down my Facebook page (which is very time consuming), I have more time for other stuff. This can be good and bad……… bad because it means I have more time to think about the bad stuff going on in my life now, and past stuff. And feel all the emotions that go with all that.
So, I am trying my hardest, to get up and do nice things. That mindfulness distraction stuff that I’m meant to do. Even though I don’t really have the energy, or the desire to do anything.
The gardens are looking pretty and I know I am blessed to be able to have nice gardens and lots of pretty plants and all my cutesy stuff. I realise, that whilst my deep depression robs me of feeling joy about this right now, I still have that awareness of being blessed and needing to be thankful, and I am. I just can’t feel the joy that I do know I have felt.
Depression and grieving, robs the capacity to feel joy. And it isn’t intentional, or being selfish. Depression, lack of sleep, fear of how alone I am, abandonment depression, overwhelmed by current issues, as well as prior trauma I have still yet to emotionally deal with, plus all the deep grieving ….. is a heavy load. And should not be minimized, or trivialised.
Life has taught me a lot about humanity. Sadly, a lot of bad stuff. Like never to rely on anyone. Never to trust anyone.
I know there are some who will say that making a decision to not trust anyone again and choose not to get close to anyone, is unhealthy. And maybe for some it is.
For me, I am done with ever expecting anything deeper than shallow relationships. I am already grieving too many relationships and the list gets longer. It’s not like I haven’t tried. Admittedly, I am clearly not good at seeking out healthy people.
But, I am at the stage of not trusting myself, to not seek out relationships that ultimately will hurt me. I ignore red flags, because I get attached to people and I don’t want to believe that person, is not healthy. I don’t want to face it ending and the deep and intense emotions I feel, of abandonment. Continue reading →
I will never ‘get over’ or understand the lack of empathy, the deep darkness within someone, who can set up their own child to be sexually abused.
I am still dealing with the reality of this being my own mother.
I have still not processed all my emotions and pain, about this yet.
Dealing with this reality and this depth and severity of betrayal, feels beyond hard at times.
I am still dealing with trauma, deep grieving and current shit – all together.
I must realise how strong I am, to cope with it all, instead of these feelings I am currently having – of what a failure I am and how weak I am.