All the many levels of shame…. was/is never mine to feel. But I still do.

As I have no-one in my life to validate and tell me these words ‘it’s not my shame’, I will keep saying it to myself, until I finally and hopefully believe it.

Shame is something that has plagued my entire life and continues to. It’s something I will probably feel for the rest of my life.

Child sexual abuse survivors, who were groomed and have parents involved……. suffer so many levels of painful and horrific shame…

My shame issues are…

Shame of not being loved. By parents. By family. By anyone.

Shame of the actual child sexual abuse, which is due to the loss of innocence and violation of the child’s body in the worst possible way.

Shame of the issues that occur within being groomed and how they manipulate their victims to actually want what they are doing at the beginning. And other deep issues that occur within intense grooming of children/teenagers.

Shame of ‘victim blaming’ that occurs at the time – being made to believe you deserve it and nothing better. And then later victim blaming throughout adulthood and is rife throughout society and toxic religious people.

Shame of being treated so badly when disclosing the child sexual abuse, and further shame inflicted.

Shame of ‘shame shifting’ where the shame that ‘is’ the abusers, gets transferred to the victim, by many.

Shame of being ‘made’ to have compassion and forgiveness for those who we do ‘not’ in fact have to have any compassion or forgiveness for. And being made to feel like ‘we’ are the ones who are ‘wrong/bad’ if we don’t and other people projecting they are ‘better’ than us, if they claim to forgive/have compassion. More shaming.

Shame of having mental health issues and all many stigma and ignorance issues, leading to more shame. How not ‘recovering well/quick enough’, is shaming. Not being positive/happy enough, is shaming. Etc.

Shame of feeling like there is something wrong with you because all this happened to you, and the belief system that there is something intrinsically wrong with you – if even your own parents wanted to hurt you this much and never loved you.

I brought up the real deep stuff that I struggle with, in counselling. It required great courage.

Due to being a victim of intense grooming abuse, several times….. by a paedophile (as a child), a psychopath (as a teenager), a narc minister (as an adult)…. I have experienced the issues that go on within this prolonged grooming abuse and the layers of trauma and shame is intense.

I’ve not been able to raise this before – and yet I did today. Which is interesting in itself…. as I have experienced feeling unsafe in counselling, and yet I know I would have to feel safe’ish to bring this up. (will ponder at that more).

I brought up the grooming process…. how due to being a severely abused and neglected child, adolescent and adult……I wanted the attention of these people…. because any attention no matter how depraved the person is… was better than none.

Belle Gibson – typical narcissistic psychopath type – pathological lying, exploitative, no remorse, no empathy, no guilt, acting the victim.

Belle Gibson intentionally exploited many. And she intentionally exploited vulnerable people – those battling cancer. That is despicable.

She lied about everything. Then when exposed for the liar she is, tried to blame a ‘bad childhood’. But, her mother has confirmed, this is more lies too. Which does not surprise me at all. And I am far more inclined to believe her mother, when Belle is already proven to be a pathological liar, with no empathy, or remorse.

http://www.9news.com.au/entertainment/2015/05/18/09/46/belle-gibsons-mother-says-she-also-made-up-childhood-claims

She meets many criteria for a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath. And even described herself as a psychopath once.

Millions fell for all her lies. All her exploiting. They are the true victims, not Belle Gibson.

I see posts about her, and some people have misplaced compassion, want to make excuses for her, want to focus far more on her issues and want to believe more of her lies, being groomed further by the predatory/manipulative behaviours she has already duped many with. These people don’t realise they are being groomed and duped too.

Why Church people…..groom so many to love abusive people…

I’ve just realised, why this deep need within many church people…to tell others to love abusive people, to minimize their abuse, to invalidate the suffering of the victim……..really feels so wrong to me.

They are grooming people…

to love and accept abusive people.

It’s why they will apply cheap grace…….forcing people to forgive and show their version of mercy and compassion……without repentance, without the abuser needing to own fully their actions.

And then, if the victim doesn’t comply…..they are treated badly.

It is like they become one big incestuous, ‘grooming, or groomed church family’.

Wow.

I get it now. I get why this feels so wrong.

I’ve been groomed, as a child, a teenager and an adult. So I do know the grooming process and how it feels.

The adult grooming was by a church minister. And the people involved that were meant to sort this out, made choices to ignore this grooming…….because a lot of church people do groom. It is part of their needs.

And this is why ‘all of them’ sided with the abuser. It’s what they do and it was what I was told would happen. Like groomed, mind controlled sheep. And this is why this occurs so much within churches.

The victims are seen as the enemy.

The abusers are protected and enabled.

Exactly how grooming abusive people behave.

And they are deceived into thinking it’s love and compassion and mercy and grace……..but it isn’t.

It’s why they talk about how paedophiles and sex offenders should be welcomed into churches…which has always seemed very bizarre to me. It’s why they want you to believe these abusive types are human and people and just need to be loved.