Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Anger is necessary, as part of healing & grieving.

I wrote a blog yesterday, about how I am not defined by all the abusers have done to me, I am defined by my courage to survive it all, to overcome it all and be a good person.

I struggle to allow myself anger. I suppress it. And I feel a lot of confusion and fear, when I feel anger. Yet, I know anger is a very needed, appropriate and normal emotion, after abuse and trauma. Especially the severity of trauma I have endured.

This came up in counselling last week, were I tried to explain I know I have anger within me. And I can’t cope with it, so I just suppress it.

This week in counselling, While explaining this processing I have been doing, I tentatively said, the success of this blog, my website and all the amazing feedback I get – is kind of a big middle finger, to all those who harmed me.

I said this tentatively, because I am conflicted as to whether giving all the abusers the middle finger, is appropriate and okay. I realise I was apprehensive, as to whether my counsellor would feel this was wrong. Whether this would make me a ‘bad’ person.

Her response, was very encouraging of me writing about this anger I feel and indeed, putting a pic of a middle finger, to all those who harmed me, mistreated me, abused me and treated me as a worthless person. And how this is okay to do on my blog. Continue reading


The rain makes the garden even more beautiful =)

I love how the garden and all the plants look after the rain. All the raindrops on the leaves and flowers.

I love all the different flowers, foliage and textures within my garden too. It’s fascinating 🙂

I’ve been playing with the macro feature on my camera too. Makes a difference to just taking snaps on my phone camera.

DSCF2147

DSCF2151

DSCF2153

DSCF2157 Continue reading


4 Comments

I choose a life free of chaos and avoiding unnecessary stress.

I realise all too well, you cannot heal within chaos and stress. So wherever possible, this needs to be removed from your life. It is a choice to be made and the only person who can choose this, is self.

People often rationalise putting themselves within chaos and unhealthy relationships/environments. Especially when this is someone’s ‘normal’. When raised within a childhood of fear, stress, chaos – it is your normal. But, it is does not need to stay that way. It is a still a choice – as to what you expose yourself to. Including people, situations, environments.

The only person that can ensure I lead a life of non chaos and more peace….. is me. So this is my choice. Continue reading


4 Comments

My journey & message, are of HOPE. Because I am healing.

I do believe there is healing from complex trauma. It takes a massive amount of courage, dedication, effort and doing everything that is needed.

There are many complex layers, to healing complex trauma. I have been peeling away those layers, and tackling every one of them. Every wound. Every set of deep consequences of the wounds/abuse.

I have gone to counselling, at times dragging myself, at times truly wishing I could just give up instead.

But, I didn’t give up, I kept going. I still keep going.

I have devoted considerable time over the last 4 years, to researching and finding out everything I can about complex trauma. Read masses. Applied every tiny bit of my deep levels of resourcefulness, to finding out everything I need to know and do. And I knew I needed to find out from all the experts. I knew not to trust my own insight only, and to seek professional and wise advice. And I’ve learned so much and healed so much in the process.

I’ve had to be honest and face truly painful things done to me. I’ve had to be honest about Continue reading


1 Comment

Still receiving messages about people wanting my Facebook page back.

I removed my Facebook page many months ago, for a few reasons.

I am still receiving messages about when it will be back and how people miss it. Which I understand and I know it did a lot of good, in terms of educating and validating complex trauma survivors. And quality info. But, due to poor Facebook rules, it also enabled a lot of very unhealthy, toxic behaviour too.

I’ve considered starting a closed Facebook group, which would promote greater safety and the capacity to remove people easily. Plus only those who are confirmed and accepted by me, would be able to see the info.

But, I remain decided not to do this, at this time.

I think if people truly want to see my work, they will choose to Continue reading


Dreams, can symbolise where we are at, in the healing journey.

I have a range of different types of dreams and have done since being a child.

Some are of the PTSD flashback type, of trauma that happened. They are f***ing horrendous. Thankfully they are lessoning. Some are dreams that are trauma related. They are pretty shit too. And I always have vivid dreams about people now in my life. People that matter and are significant. They can be really bloody weird!

My brain never stops, day and night, working to excess.

My recent dreams being experienced about my mother, and her death, I have come to decide are just my absolute understanding, that she was never a mother. I believe the dreams signify my final resigned acceptance of reality, no matter how painful.

I see the dreams being about death, being the symbolism of the death of a relationship, that never even existed in the way should have. They are not about the physical death of that person. Continue reading


Never diminish yourself, for those who refuse to grow – Lilly Hope Lucario

DSC_1190-002

This is a beautiful iris growing in my garden.

It reminds me of growth, and how beautiful growth is.

And how others may try to diminish that growth. Or some diminish their own growth, for others and feel that beauty should not be seen. Which is wrong. Continue reading


2 Comments

“You have to be willing to be patronised, ridiculed” to be a strong voice ~ Meryl Streep.

Wise words from Meryl Streep – who said she lives by the motto “do what you can,” advised women to never “give up or give in in the face of patronizing ridicule, amused disdain or being ignored.” 

http://www.people.com/article/meryl-streep-humanist-not-feminist

meryl-streep-435

Most of humanity rejects what isn’t understood.

Most of humanity believes their own thoughts must be okay, must be right, must be healthy, without seeking to question.

Most of humanity have views and opinions based upon ignorance, unresolved issues and lack of education or insight.

It takes courage to take that inner journey of growth, introspection, questioning self, being willing to be wrong, being willing to change. Few take this journey. And sadly never mature or grow.

I have indeed faced a considerable amount of patronising, mocking, anger etc…. throughout my life, starting with my own unhealthy and toxic family of origin.

Throughout the last few years I have been writing and reaching out through various social media, I have encountered many trolls, bullies, angry nasty people, covert bullies, who seek to bring good people down. I realise all the many reasons for this and how this is entirely their own issues. There is something that brings out the worst in some people, when they encounter people who are doing good. Sad, but true.

I am no longer concerned about the views and opinions of anyone who is not significant in my life. Continue reading


Propogating plants, my new gardening passion :)

Gardening has become therapy for me. In so many ways. I love it and it brings me joy. I am currently learning how to propagate plants, so that I can grow my own plants and this will cost less long term. I’ve successfully propagated succulents (so easy), agaves, and other plants.

Geraniums have a special significance for me, due to many holidays in Spain, Greece – where geraniums grow abundantly. I can’t afford to go back to these countries, so I’m bringing a little Spain and Greece into my own garden. Continue reading