Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


3 Comments

When you feel like a fool, for being fooled, remember where the responsibility lies.

Being honest, is something very hard for many people. When lied to, duped, fooled by someone you wanted to trust – someone you should have been able and expect to trust… it’s not being a fool. It’s being a normal human being.

I forget this sometimes, and revert to feeling like an idiot, for trusting people. However, wanting to trust people and expect good from people, is not wrong. But, when someone is dishonest – repeatedly – that is always ‘their’ issue.

I need to remember this. It’s so easy for me to self blame and shift the blame of other people’s issues, to myself. Lifetime habits, are hard to completely break. Continue reading


It is very freeing, to not emotionally ‘need’ people.

free

When you don’t ‘need’ people, it becomes very freeing. I choose to be around people and have connections, but I cherish my own company. I cherish my time alone and need that, more than connections to people.

I am obviously around my husband and we parent our children and have our family. So there are practical, family level needs. But, other than our children and gardening, we have nothing else in common and we are very different people. I don’t have a soul/emotional connection with him, due to our vast differences. I care about him, but I don’t ‘need’ him.

I have some friends and I enjoy their company and I am interested in their lives and their needs. But, I don’t require or need anything back. And I don’t expect anything back.

I enjoy volunteering, because I know it is helping others in a way they need, not what I need. It’s important to me, to help people who are in need… the marginalised, the oppressed, the abused, the needy, the elderly etc.

I no longer need counselling. My first counsellor told me I do most of my own healing/counselling and she was right. That continued on and everything I have needed to heal, I worked out for myself. I don’t need any validation of what I know and feel, my discernment and my capacity for deep thought.

I am secure in my understanding of myself, my journey and of humanity.

I’ve always been very independent and very resourceful, since being a child. It gave me levels of inner strength needed, to be alone. I’ve been alone all my life, even whilst surrounded by people. I used to hate this disconnection from people. The aloneness. Felt this huge part of my life missing, due to the hole in my soul where a caring loving, family should have been. It made me feel deeply flawed, deeply weird, terribly unloved and very different. I hated that. But now I know who I am Continue reading


2 Comments

Nearly had a car crash today… but remained very calm.

Driving to the city is something I have avoided in 10 years of living in my current location. Anxiety had always prevented me. But, last week I ventured and today I drove with a friend.

Today, I was anxious and missed a turning and ended up going through the city, which I did not like or feel comfortable with. My friend was lovely and was helping me with directions.

I ran a red light accidently, and it nearly ended in a car crash. My friend was clearly shaken and I felt worse for her than myself. I felt terrible. It was entirely because I was talking, whilst trying to look at the GPS and not concentrating enough on the road. I apologised and my friend was very gracious and we ended up laughing about it later. I was thankful for that. Humour always helps.

I actually remained very calm throughout the situation and was able to continue driving, Continue reading


Caught up with a friend I haven’t seen for over a year.

I withdrew from life a year ago and just needed to concentrate entirely on surviving my healing journey. I didn’t want to affect anyone with my journey. I was a mess and knew that.

One of my previous friends, is someone I really enjoy spending time with. She’s down to earth, honest, kind and caring, and I missed her.

So the other day, I sent her message. Not knowing how it would be received and I was delighted that she responded and said how much she missed me. Which was so lovely of her. She thought she had done something wrong, and I explained she absolutely had not done anything wrong at all, my withdrawal was due to me. She also said she had tried to contact me a while ago to see how I was doing.

We arranged to meet up and I bought her some flowers to apologise for my absence and not explaining myself fully before.

My friend was so happy to see me and we had big long hugs and she was delighted with the flowers. She also stated I didn’t need to apologise, she understood why I needed to withdraw. Bless her. Continue reading


First Father’s Day, where I feel competely okay.

I know there’s healing and progress, when I can get to gone 1pm, before I even think about how Father’s Day is not one I can celebrate with regard to my own father. I’ve always struggled with Mothers/Fathers Day. And rightly so.

I don’t have a father. I never did. And I’m okay with that now.

Had a lovely morning, making hubby feel special, opening gifts, then he spent time playing games, table tennis with our boys. Then we went for a walk at a local wetlands, and it was lovely. Had a picnic. Then stopped for some ice cream. Really lovely family time.

It’s there in my mind, hence this blog… that I am unable to celebrate Father’s Day myself. But, I am okay with this. I know that firstly I have my only needed Father – God, but not having an earthly father who loved me, is not a reflection of me in any way. It is simply a reflection of my mother’s deep and severe issues and the severely unhealthy people she chose to have children with. Which is all about her, and nothing to do with me. Continue reading