Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Once you lie to me, I will not trust you again.

Lying is acceptable to most people. Not to me. I’ve had way too many people lie to me about serious issues that have harmed me.

If I need to be able to trust someone, and I know they are lying to me – especially to cover their own issues/wrongs that have hurt me – that is the end of any trust I can ever have in that person.

You cannot trust a liar, especially those who can’t even admit they are liars.

Lying to someone is abusive, a betrayal and it is deliberate behaviour. It shows an absolute lack of respect, lack of honesty, lack of empathy and shows how self motivated and weak the person is. And how they are willing to hurt, harm and betray someone, for their own needs which are paramount.

And once someone lies, you are very unwise to not consider what else they have been lying about – as it is unlikely the first lie they have told you.

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/lying-the-ultimate-manipulation-tactic-by-dr-george-simon-phd/

liars

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When the glimmer of hope, is gone.

Denial, lies…. always the choice of those lacking in self insight and lacking in any integrity, empathy, or capacity for honesty.

I guess I had a glimmer of hope that there would be some recognition of the truth in a current situation.

But, now that is gone.

More lies, more denial.

As hard as this will be for me, I have to not respond, because I will just be harming myself more.

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Most people don’t have the courage to have integrity to be honest, all the time.

honesty

Honesty, and the capacity to be honest all the time, even under difficult situations, and situations where in the wrong, are not common.

Honesty is a virtue I truly treasure in people, because it is necessary, to be able to trust someone.

If you know someone lies, or distorts the truth, or gaslights, or fails to take ownership of their issues, wrongs……. then you can’t trust them. It is as simple as that.

All those covert behaviours – lying, lying by omission, telling half truths, gas lighting, manipulating the truth, failing to take ownership…. are narcissism, and I will spot these behaviours in people.

And I actually wish I didn’t spot this all the time. Because I see them often and it leads to a lack of trust and an awareness, this person is selfishly self motivated, and lacks the capacity for integrity and honesty.

It takes courage and the willingness to put someone’s else’s needs first, and inner strength, to be a really honest person.

And I know that the capacity for integrity to honesty, also creates negativity from others in their responses, as they do not want to deal in truth and reality.

I think it is really sad, that this quote, is true.

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Empathy, from someone about being alone and coping as best I can.

I am so thankful to have received these kind words, from someone who is a trauma/abuse survivor and has loving parents and has amazing support. But she still has the empathy capacity to understand that being alone, and coping with all I have, and not having support from loved ones, is so much harder.

And understands my honesty when I shared how I had literally reduced myself to begging my counsellor to say something nice to me and how I don’t have my shit together all the time, and definitely not now.


“Firstly, I applaud your honestly.

Secondly, I’m not a counsellor, let alone yours so I’m not sure if this will have the same effect, but here are some nice and honest things I am happy to tell you anytime. 

First off, I believe every person deserves empathy but someone such as yourself who gives it to so many people on a daily basis is especially deserving in my book. Not only are you valued and worthy because of the incredible work you do for other survivors but simply because you are you and that is reason enough.

I understand that sometimes it’s nearly impossible to feel safe with/ believe those good things but as you are well aware of, that’s just a survival response and I hope you’ll remember some times when you felt differently and know that it will get back there again.

Also, knowing that you don’t have much support apart from your counsellor, (no supportive family, friends nearby, correct?) makes your story of healing all the more amazing. I could not have done it without my family and I can’t imagine not having them to say things like that to “please say something nice,” etc.

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There is nothing more special to me than….

There is nothing more special to me, than someone with such self honesty.

It is so refreshing, and rare.

I truly cherish people who have the capacity to be honest, without making excuses or justifying, but understands they have things they need to work on, how we all mess up, and how we all need to continue to grow ❤

We are not meant to feel we need to be perfect ….. but having honesty, insight, and the willingness to listen and grow, are about maturity and humility and the signs of someone who will heal and move along the healing road…

And it warms my heart, to see this in people ❤ 


How to deal with the guilt, of letting someone down.

I know I have held onto guilt for things I have done wrong, where I have let people down. I’m someone who will readily apologise, and I have so often apologised for what is not my responsibility.  But that is due to child abuse.

This was a post I wrote for my page, to let people know, none of us are perfect, we all let people down unintentionally, but it’s how we deal with it, that matters.


How to deal with the guilt of knowing we have let someone down.

We all let someone down at some point, no-one is perfect, and the fact that we didn’t intend to, and we do have remorse – is the important part.

I’ve let people down and not been perfect, and I’m still not perfect. I mess up, just like everyone can and does.

When I know I have let someone down, I will apologise and ask how I can sort it out, how I can make it right.

I don’t have that ‘tough luck’ attitude, because that is wrong.

Then, once I have done all that I can to make it right, the important part is letting go of any guilt, because we can’t hold on to that forever.

If the person won’t accept our apology or our offering to sort it out and make it right, then we are not responsible for that. We can’t make them accept our genuine apology.

And we also need to do what we can, to make sure, we don’t repeat that same issue, as this is part of having genuine remorse.

All these human interactions, are things I did not learn growing up, because my family of origin are so abusive and dysfunctional,.

So I had to learn them as an adult.

And this is why I am sharing this…… because I know so many people suffer with these intense emotions and feelings of guilt and shame and don’t know how to manage them.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario ❤


Illusions are far easier to live within, which is exactly why they are chosen by most.

illusion

And most people do not want their illusion’s destroyed.

Most people do not have the courage or willingness, to deal with their illusions, particularly about self.

Takes a lot of courage, to go within, with honesty.


I have come to understand, everyone has their areas of poor beliefs, poor mental health.

I see this very clearly.

I wanted the Pope to be a wonderful role model for Christianity, and he is in many ways, but he believes in physical abuse to children, and called that ‘beautiful’. And that is the opposite of God. Of course, he will be adamant he is right and I am wrong.

I wanted my counsellor, to be someone who I could always assume had wisdom, and now I see very clearly – that she too supports abusive relationships and calls them ‘adequate’. And has a weird need to always defend abusers, and use words that are hurtful and justifies them. Of course, she will be adamant she is right and I am wrong.

I see people’s ‘stuff’ everywhere, in abundance on social media and it concerns me greatly and I don’t like it. I know I have my own stuff too.

The reason this all bothers me so much, is I hate abuse being condoned and people suffering. But, also because it scares me. Because I have been abused so much. So, I cut people off, and don’t tolerate people’s issues, as some will say I ‘should’.

I would rather be completely alone, than hurt anymore.

I actually like and prefer being alone now.

I would rather have shallow connections with people, than risk getting harmed, lied to, or have other people’s shit projected onto me. I do want to reach out and help people who are suffering, and I do, but I don’t want ‘relationships’ anymore.

And considering all I have been though, I don’t believe this is a bad thing……. it is a self care, protection mode. But I do know, this is my ‘stuff’. I have self insight.

Other people’s stuff, is what I can’t cope with …….. because people are inherently selfish, egotistic beings.

And for whatever reasons there may be………. that is how I get hurt and how I clearly see society is getting hurt.


Self control & impulse issues……. are serious issues…

I see very clearly, that moral compass, impulse control and self control are massive issues throughout society.

I’ve had my own impulse control issues, but I’ve also had self control in many ways – that shows I’ve always possessed this.

I’ve had many temptations come my way, which I have considered – being unfaithful, having threesomes, having sex with women, drugs, being offered jobs as club dancers etc….. all things I have resisted.

And note, I am not saying being gay is wrong at all, I just knew it was not what I needed to be doing. But other behaviours, that are sexually deviant – are wrong and my moral compass knew this, even back in my 20’s.

I knew from being a young adult, that adultery was not okay and when together with my first husband, and not separated, I was completely faithful to him. Even though he was not. He had massive impulse issues, being an alcoholic and gambling addict and morally deviant.

Anyone, with serial behaviours, impulse control issues, low moral compass, lack of remorse etc……. cannot be trusted.

Whether that be serial adulterers, sex offenders, paedophiles, serial rapists……. anything that shows behaviours that are morally wrong, and where impulse control, moral compass, deviant needs……. don’t just go away.

And people with these issues, can totally believe they will not repeat this behaviour…….. but someone offers themselves to them on a plate, or a paedophile sees a cute child, a rapist sees a women ………… and those needs can click in at any time, the impulse control goes straight out the window and their sexually deviant needs, take over.

They cannot and should not be trusted.

But many will……… including many church people – who are conditioned to show ‘(cheap) grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness’ in a deeply unwise way…….. but they wrongly believe it makes them ‘good Christians’ and they wrongly believe God will be happy with them. And if another victim occurs …….. ‘ah well’.

My husband is a serial adulterer, and I accept that no matter what he says, he can be tempted, and maybe already has. The bigger issue with him, is his lack of remorse, lack of conscience, lack of empathy, entitlement issues, lack of guilt. I know this increases his issues. So I do not trust him, at all, quite rightly.

Anyone who trusts a sexually deviant, low moral compass, impulsive person, to not ‘re-offend’ – is a fool, and does not know enough about personality disorders and human behaviour.