Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Volunteering went well – but exhausted again.

tired

So much I could write about today, but I have virtually no energy to write.

I realise there are many reasons why volunteering is emotionally and physically draining, but I am glad I did it.

I think the anxiety, the hypervigilance of being in a new environment and around new people….. plus all these people who came in today for the food and told me some of their stories, plus a few volunteers were in tears about Continue reading


Poem ~ Red Flags & Fear

Poem – Red Flags & Fear

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

red flags

A life of pain

Learned so very young

Watch, discern and fear

Their many red flags

.

Learned from masters

Of lies, harm, manipulation

They taught me deeply

Of worst in humanity

.

Testing continual

My subconscious mind

I will find your lies

And your red flags

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My inbuilt switch to ‘working people/behaviours out’ is never off.

Due to being raised by highly abusive people, and living all my life in a state of fear, hyper vigilance and anxiety, due to needing to survive far too much prolonged abuse, my switch for ‘working people out’, is never off.

It is an inbuilt, sub conscious safety, protection mode, cranked up to the highest setting. And there is no dimmer, there is no off switch.

To some it may appear that I am overly critical, my expectations of others are too high, and it may even appear I believe myself to be ‘better’ than others. Which I can see how that may be how some would choose to view me. But actually it is wrong.

I don’t ‘want’ to have this vigilance/discernment switch on. I don’t want to know why people act the way they do, or know they are not being truthful and all the other things I see. I am sure my life would be easier if I was oblivious to it all.

It creates fear within me, when I see these traits. Quite frankly I would rather not know when I am being lied to, manipulated, gas-lighted, my life would be easier. I wish I could just think people are a bit weird and shrug it off, like most.

I know why my switch in continually on, and it is due to so much abuse and I would much rather none of this had happened. I would rather be someone who thinks most people are great people and those who do wrong, rarely do wrong, which is actually a positive illusion.

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I wish I didn’t have discernment and vigilance, to see so much dishonesty.

Due to due my life, my mind is continually in a switched on state of vigilance and coupled with discernment, means I take everything in and work people out.

It makes my life hard. I see issues in people and where they have little self insight and are deluded.

I see when people are saying one thing….but actually doing another.

I see when people are deluding themselves into doing something for others…but really it is for themselves.

I see when people are justifying things to themselves, excusing their behaviour, have ego driven needs and many other issues.

I see so much dishonesty, whether intentional or non intentional, and it always makes me feel deeply uncomfortable.

And not because I think that makes

everyone bad, I don’t at all,

but because if they are lying

to themselves,

then they are lying to me.

And I can’t cope with that. I’ve had so many people hurt me due to lies. It scares me. It frightens me. It makes me even more vigilant around that person, and everything they say is analysed and considered. Continue reading