Always fighting the lifelong battle about being alone.

I have a love/hate relationship with being alone. I love being alone and I need it. The introvert, wise old soul part of me, that needs space and solitude. I also at times, feel desperately lonely.

Due to my past – I’ve only ever known unhealthy relationships, with unhealthy, self serving, shallow people.

I’ve completely given up on human interaction of the depth, integrity and honesty I need. I accept that due to all I have already endured, all I have learned as a result, I need non shallow, non superficial relationships, with depth, honesty, trust and that has never existed in my life.

I will spend the rest of my life alone – even if surrounded by people – and I know that. I face a life of having to be what other people want from me, but not having my needs met.

This reminds me of things my first counsellor (who I really miss) said to me… “you are someone who can always give far more to others, than people can give back to you”. And she said other things to me like how I had “completely outgrown the church I used to attend”. And how my “spiritual/faith progression was way past most”. I see how this also relates to emotional needs progression too. I realise she was saying that I have outgrown most people.

I am discerning as to whom I invite into my personal space.

I have learned, I can care about people, and even love them……..but not need to have them in my life.

There are many mental health issues people have that so self serving, entitled and delusional, or living in illusions….and their vibes are unhealthy and not good for me.

I always picture me in my safe place……my home.

And who I would invite in to my table for dinner and who I wouldn’t?

Inviting someone into my safe place ~ home ~ is an intimate personal action, that requires some level of trust..now. Those few who are invited in, are those I have some level of trust in them being decent people.

Those who aren’t….or have issues that affect my healing, my soul, my heart……..don’t get invited in and I can just let them keep walking past my front gate/door. I have no ill feelings, no negative emotions, I do wish them only good things, people are people……but I do have an awareness of being discerning as to who I allow into my personal space….now.

I am an introvert. I am quite shy at heart. I struggle with anxiety, although less than before. I no longer want to try to be an extrovert ~ as I have strived to be, all my life.

I need my space and my space is sacred.

My ‘space’ has been assaulted, invaded, disrespected, brutalised and too much darkness has invaded it, in the past.

I don’t intend to allow that to happen anymore.

I need people in my life, who hold the same types of values and virtues I hold.

I can care and love people, for who they are…….but at a needed distance, that respects myself.

I’m not a people person, and I don’t have to be.

I have accepted I am not a people person. Not because I don’t like people, or don’t care about them. I just don’t want to interact with most people.

There are those who will say this is wrong. We were created to be interactive with people. Be part of groups. Be social.

Well, I’m not. Good or bad, that is the way it is.

I’m done with interacting with people. Bottom line.

I feel like I have lived 10 lifetimes of dealing with people, mostly bad stuff.

I used to think I would be a counsellor, as I do deeply want abuse survivors, to have good counselling. But, I accept this is not my path. I don’t have what’s needed to interact with people on a daily basis.

I don’t want to be around people. Not because I hate them, or dislike them, or think their differences to me are bad. I just don’t want to interact with people anymore than I absolutely have to.

And there are no ‘rules’ that say I have to.

If I spend the rest of my life, raising my family, working on my own healing, writing, listening to music, feeling safe and content in my home….who can say that is wrong and not okay?

I’m an introvert, a loner and I know this now.

I don’t like society. I don’t like seeing negative stuff I see all the time. It is who I am. And I have fully accepted that.

Maybe it will change. I can’t say it won’t. But right now….I am okay with being me.

Very introverted. Needing to be in my safe place. Doing what makes me feel safe. And blocking out anything that feels unsafe,  all the bullshit society perpetuates, and everyone else’s issues.

I’ve dealt with other people’s issues all my life.

I’m done with it.

And even on my Facebook page, I have now set a few people to ‘aquaintances’ because I don’t like what they promote and I don’t like their view on life as I see it is very unhealthy. I don’t want to offend them by un-liking them, but I don’t want them seeing my posts and I don’t want to see theirs. So I post now as friends except aquaintances.

My life is easier, when I don’t have to see/read other people’s issues.