Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Fatigue. Need to withdraw. It’s okay, Jesus modelled this type of self care.

I had been hopeful I was past feeling like this. Clearly not. I still get fatigued by the issues of others and it drains me emotionally, physically, mentally. I’m overwhelmed. And I am exhausted. Again.

So, I will do what is needed. Withdraw. Stay away from what fatigues me, as much as is possible. Keep focussing on the only person I can trust. The only person to be relied upon. The only person who can sustain me. Jesus.

jesus often withdrew


One of those overwhelming teary, spiritual Jesus situations happened today.

At the food bank I volunteer at, a guy has attended a few times. He’s a lovely guy, 6ft 10, openly gay and a drag queen. He’s got multi-coloured hair and I ensured each time I have seen him, that he feels very welcome. The first time I met this guy, there was something about him, that I knew was special. Now I know why.

Today, he opened up and spoke to myself and the chairperson of the food bank service (who is a former pastor who no longer attends church)… about his life. He was brought up in church, was a former worship leader and has spoken at Hillsong, but only because they did not know he is gay. He spoke about his work and all he does helping others. He then spoke about faith, his understanding of the Bible and how church people abuse it to hurt gay people. He spoke of the persecution he has endured, having Bipolar, but also the blessings and miracles that have also been a part of his journey.

Both myself and the chairperson (who understands not being a stage 3 faith person too), ensured he knew he was welcome, among friends and that we do not have the same issues many church people have with gay people.

Listening to his story was emotionally and spiritually huge and I felt such a blessing to speak with this man who ‘gets it’. Who spiritually gets it and understands Jesus’ love. Continue reading

Interesting chat with some Christians today.

At the food bank I volunteer at, there is a mixed group of people, some of whom are Christians, some are church people.

Had a really interesting chat today with two volunteers about spiritual progression, the damage caused by right wing, fundamentalist, hard line, shame/big stick led churches. And it was interesting to talk with people who also recognise the damage, abuse, spiritual abuse this causes, and how far from Jesus this is. And know about spiritual progression and how most churches are stage 3 led, and contained within stage 3 progression and why. Continue reading

It’s Good Friday & social media is awash with God hating words. And I know I need to ignore it.

I can’t look at it anymore today. So many people have such hatred for God, and yet that anger needs to be directed at humans, not God.

I’ve never blamed God for all the harm caused to me. I did go through a stage of deep hurt that He didn’t intervene and stop what happened to me as a child. I felt like this was like the ultimate betrayal, of Him just watching and doing nothing. That was before I understood free will and how He doesn’t want a single second of hurt and harm to be caused by his creations, to each other.

It is ‘people’ who cause harm and suffering to each other. Not God.

And Jesus died on the cross, to stand up against all evil…… not to save the select few…… as too many church people want to believe.

Jesus died on the cross, as a cosmological deliverance from evil. The amazing N.T.Wright speaks of this very eloquently.

Continue reading

My healing, is a miracle considering the shit I have endured over the last 3 years….

When I reflect on the facts…

I endured trauma of being abused by a church minister, and then further abused by all his supporters and the church hierarchy, and then further abused by a corrupt internal investigation/investigators…. which meant I was trying to deal with old trauma, whilst dealing with new trauma….

Plus, my husband has a personality disorder, that means I am completely unable to trust him, am not loved by him, and he shows no compassion/empathy etc… which clearly is not conducive to healing….

Plus, I have not had counselling with someone who is specifically trained in trauma/complex trauma/Complex PTSD ……

It truly is a miracle, that I have healed as much as I have over the last 3 years.

And as my first counsellor pointed out, I do most of my own counselling, because I have insight and the deep capacity to think, with honesty.

My healing, despite all I have endured over the last 3 years……… shows the depth of my resilience, the depth of my persistence, the depth of my inner strength and the depth of my spiritual progression and love & relationship with God & Jesus.

Because with all that has been going on in the last 3 years……. I ‘should’ be worse, not healing, you would think.

But, I am healing.


Poem – Jesus, Alone

I wrote this poem while I was away..


Poem – Jesus, Alone

A lifetime of fearing alone

Now no longer lonely

Peace and tranquillity

In isolation and withdrawal


Always so scared

Of Being Alone

Now cherished and valued

Strength within solitude


Learning to cherish, enjoy

The beautiful freedom, of alone

Not needing people, only Jesus

Growth, maturity and healing


Peace is not found in other people

It is only found in the depths explored

Of one’s own inner soul

In the presence and peace giving gift


Of Jesus, alone.

How I feel when I am alone, in my yard/garden…. free, happy, joyful :)

I have created a life for myself, within my life…… where I can enjoy my alone time, I crave and I need it.

It is where I feel most at peace, feel freedom, feel content, feel happy, feel joy.

I feel light in my life …….. I have never known before.

I feel Jesus’ presence ~ right beside me and God’s love shining down on me.

free fairy

Peace…… is not found in people.

I realise, I am very content in my own company and very much need it.

Not everyone needs solitude and I understand that…….. but I do.

Even the great Carl G Jung, needed his solitude and stated it made his life worth living.

People who ‘need’ others, won’t ‘get’ this, and I see that.

I don’t want to ‘need’ people. And I increasingly don’t.

I am a mother and wife and I do all I can in my capacity to be decent in these roles and to love and cherish them.

I want to help others, and I do. I help 1000’s every day, from the comfort of my own sacred space. I want to help others who suffer. And I do, in my capacity and sometimes I feel like this is not enough…… and then I am reminded …. it is enough.

I have a little world of my own ~ I have created that is separate to the parts of my life where people are within it.

Continue reading


In my idealistic little world, this is what I want for perpetrators of abuse.

All I want for perpetrators of abuse, including my own is….

For them to understand what they have done.

To understand why, and the causes.

To have support and help, to deal with this.

To accept they have caused harm, and feel remorse.

But, not in that shameful ‘I hate myself, I am evil, I want to die’ kind of way, at all.

To focus on putting right, wherever possible.

To have compassion for those they have hurt.

To have the desire to want to become a better person.

To treat people better, to be kind and be nice.

And while struggling in that process, just stay away from people, so they don’t get hurt.

And just work on being transformed and becoming more of who God always intended us to be.

And this I want for them……..because it will make them better people, who will have more peace and healing in their own hearts and souls.

I don’t want anyone, to feel they are evil, or they are not capable of change, or to have hatred given back, or massive shame to fill them for all they have done.

I guess, I just want them to heal too.

And this is how I would like life to be.

It isn’t, but my idealist personality, capable of empathy and compassion (which no I do not have 100% of the time)…wants.

I can compartmentalise my own needed and valid emotions and grieving, whilst also viewing what perpetrators of abuse, need too.

And I know this is growing within me, and sometimes I feel fear when I feel this way, because I feel like I am hurting myself, but I am reminded, this fear is mine, and is also valid, because so many people have hurt me.

I have asked Jesus to help me to deal with how I view those who hurt me and hurt others, the way He wants me to, because I don’t want to live my life, seeing things from a place of fear and hurt.

And Jesus knows, I am so scared of getting hurt anymore. He has seen it all. And He knows trauma, abuse, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, lies, manipulation etc…….He ‘gets’ it. If anyone knows sociopaths etc………it’s Jesus.

But, I can feel it within me, that no matter how sometimes I stamp my feet and panic and feel fear…..that I am continually changing in my heart.

It takes willingness and a heart to want to transform and grow, to know how needed all this is.

Even though it scares the shit out of me at times…….it is what I want.