Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My life has been preparing me for & teaching me since I was born ~ to reach out to and help others.

As I was just updating my Website, feeling how wonderful it is to be able to add books, resources and an organisation I am now partnering with…..

I had this thought come into my head……..

It really is my passion, my calling and what my life has been preparing me for, and teaching me…..since I was born…..to reach out to and help others.

I don’t believe for one second God wanted me to endure any of what I have endured. That would not be love and God is pure perfect love. He doesn’t ‘want’ any of us to suffer, but believes in free will and does not interfere in that….which is the reason for suffering.

But, He will ensure those who desire to love Him, and want to be transformed, will. It is those who truly wish to be transformed, He can and will use……and Jesus with help them to heal and then in turn use this to help others.

This to me, is what being a child of God is all about.

This is what prosperity is about……nothing to do with ‘getting rich’ like the TV Evangelists & the Hillsongs and the like will deceive you with…..prosperity is about whatever you are being blessed with, being blessed more with the heart to share that with others.

My life, whilst far from ‘good’ or ‘nice’ has blessed me with a wealth of life wisdom and a heart to help others…..which I do not always do perfectly at all…..far from…..but God doesn’t want ‘perfect’ – He wants a willing, teachable heart, and soul that yearns to help bless others.

I will never say abuse is a ‘blessing in disguise’……..that is applauding Satan.

But, God will use anything……..for His purposes……..and His purposes are always for our best.

Some good news! An abusive, manipulator, lying ‘minister’, gone from my life :)

Had a little dicky bird email me (and yes I think I know who you are 🙂 )  ~ let me know a certain narcissistic pastor has left where I live and is now in another state.

Whilst I am concerned for all the people at the little church he is now at….I also do realise I need to leave all that with Jesus….it is no longer my issue to deal with and Jesus has bigger shoulders than I have. And He will make sure it is dealt with and I hope people there learn what they need to learn.

I am relieved, they are gone, I will not have to see them for many years to come and I actually think people are removed from your life for a reason sometimes.

I moved countries to be safer, and felt that safety very much violated, by an abusive pastor, wolf in sheep’s clothing still being in the vicinity of my life.

And now he’s not…..praise God!!

My safety ~ is back.

And who knows, maybe that was God’s plan.

Now I feel safer again. And that does feel good. My safety is an important need to me. No-one abused, wants to have to see their abuser….it causes triggers an emotions and no-one deserves that.

As for all those who blindly accepted his lies. I feel sorry for them. They were duped and lied to as well. And my doctor/counsellor, a highly regarded wise Christian ~ much demand for her wisdom, absolutely knows exactly what him and his wife are….she saw them in action too………and there was no doubting their lack of faith, their marriage issues, their lies, their narcissism and manipulation. And that is all the validation I need.

And I did more than was really necessary of me, to try and deal with situation to stop others getting hurt. So, I am content with my heart in it all.

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The issue of trust……..do I actually need to trust people?

Having lived with issues caused by so many who abused trust……..leaving me with very understandable trust issues, those wounds cut deeper and deeper with each betrayal, each abuse of my vulnerability…I have spent a lot of time thinking about not ever trusting anyone, to then trying to trust, to getting burned again, to having a fear of trust….and cycling around this issue…mostly because I picked the wrong people to trust…repeatedly.

Subconscious self harming issues I am aware I have had, due to all the abuse.

But, these trust issues run very deep.

I have recently explained why part of me, does not even trust my own counsellor/doctor. I have explained in detail, what I think I need to trust her. I know what I need and what will make me more likely to open up further…

Now, I am starting to see….maybe I don’t actually need anyone to trust….

I haven’t processed all this yet….but I am thinking that it is the inner child that requires that trust…….which will apply to most adults.

I am aware my inner strength for many things, is very strong. But, there are areas where I am needy for things to allow me to be in a place where I am comfortable enough to talk, about things that I endured as a child. Things that I have shame related issues about, I know intellectually, are not mine to own.

I am needy for that validation from anyone I have feel I have to trust enough…to speak about the really deep traumatic issues. I know this is my inner child needing that security, that validation, that re-assurance.

So, as my inner child healing progresses, I can see I won’t need to have to try to trust anyone…..I will only need to trust myself and Jesus, and that is the place I want to get to.

I do trust Jesus, but not myself….not enough to feel the completely independent security of not needing trustworthy attachments. The ones I should have had in my childhood.

Trust………..is a complicated critter.