Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Bizarre hour of my life, not what I was expecting at a massage.

Booked a special deal via facebook, for a massage with body treatments. It is based at someone’s house, and that’s okay as my last massage lady worked from home too.

When I got there, it was a home on acreage in the middle of no-where, where they keep horses and chickens etc. The fact that is was isolated, was something that concerned me a bit.

The woman who answered the door seemed very friendly and chatty and explained that her and her partner would be providing the treatments, so I immediately assumed this meant a man, which made me wonder what he would be doing….. But, in walked another woman, and the partner was female. So I realised I was having two lesbians massaging me. That’s okay, I’m totally okay with people being gay, bi-sexual etc…… But, being massaged by two lesbians, is new for me.

The first treatments were face and hand treatments, so I lay on the massage table fully clothed for that. All okay.

When it came to the body treatments I was asked to take off my dress and lie face down. I paused waiting for them to leave the room while I took off my dress….. and they didn’t! I had to take it off in front of them, no screen etc.

This was pretty awkward for me, as I am used to my previous massage lady leaving the room while I undressed and got dressed. So, I took off my dress, and to my great embarrassment, was stood there for a few seconds with nothing on but my undies and then given a towel to put over me as I lay facedown on the table.

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Back, neck and shoulder muscle pain is so bad, I am booking a massage.

I’ve suffered with muscle pain for as long as I can remember and it became a lot worse over the last 3-4 years, since all the PTSD worsened and having so much trauma and emotional pain to deal with.

I’m aware my muscle pain is ‘muscle armouring’ – a form of trauma induced body hypervigilance and fibromyalgia and I have all the pressure points as points of considerable pain, related to FMS.

Whenever I have an increase in even more anxiety and stress, the muscle pain increases. I am dealing with too much stress, anxiety, depression etc at the moment. And my body is letting me know this.

It is at the level now where even doing some yoga is too painful. Every morning I am so stiff and walk/hobble  around like an old woman. The pain is continual, worsening and adding to all the other crap I am dealing with.

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