Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

So glad I worked out how I can choose which comments can be seen. Keep the trolls, away.

I have trolls and nasty people come visit my social media pages and this blog. They used to bother me, but I have completely got to the point of knowing their issues – are all about them and nothing to do with me.

Trolls, nasty, narcissistic, sociopathic, angry, manipulative people love social media and somewhere to vent and project their darkness. Only way to deal with trolls…….. is not to feed them. You can’t reason with them, as they are disordered and dysfunctional people, and you can’t reason with that.


Just had one today here on this blog…… and I have not approved the comment and instead ‘trashed’ it and hope this mean, angry person just goes away, as they always do when you pay no attention to them.

I accept that putting myself on social media and this blog – will sadly attract trolls, narcissists, sociopaths and angry manipulative people looking for somewhere to vent and project. Continue reading

Calling Jeremy Clarkson’s ‘choice’ to physical assault/abuse a ‘fracas’ = perfect example of society’s need to minimize abuse.

Due to Clarkson’s popularity, all his followers are of course minimizing and trivialising the abuse he made a choice to inflict on someone. And he has a history of abuse.

Many are even going as far as saying the victim deserved what he got.


Calling him racist names, verbally abusing him for 20 minutes, and then punching him – over ‘food’ (reportedly) – is verbal and physical assault, abuse. And this should result in anyone getting sacked. Especially when they have a history of abusive behaviours.

But, society just loves to minimize and trivialise abuse – when they have selfish reasons to want to support, condone and encourage the abuser.

Classic example, all over social media, of statements being made of minimizing abuse.

As usual narcissistic/sociopathicpsychopathic abuse – minimized, trivialised, ignored, condoned.

It’s everywhere.

And this is one of the main reasons why abuse of every kind, is increasing.

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It is surreal that I am now researching info, on how to survive a marriage with a narcissist.

My husband is narcissistic, possibly sociopathic. He lies frequently, manipulates, is selfish, no empathy, no remorse, no guilt, sulks, is sarcastic, has tantrums, makes me feel like I need to walk on egg shells around him, gaslights, has rage when challenged, supplies me with alcohol to get sex, makes me feel unsafe, gets nasty when annoyed, is completely untrustworthy…. the list goes on.

And yes, he has other stuff, he is a good father mostly – he does spend time with our children, does homework with them, he does work and provides for his family and he does do stuff around the house, he cooks, does washing etc.

But, in no way does the good things he does, make up for all the rest.

And it is only due to my children, that I am still in this marriage.

And yes, some people will say I am supposed to love him as he is, but that should not include unconditionally accepting abuse. And those who believe it should, are abusive themselves. And need to shut up.

I am a complex trauma survivor …… and I know I was manipulated with lies by omission at the start of this relationship, with a fake version of who he is presented, and by the time I knew all the real stuff about him, it was too late, because I already had a child.

Now, I realise all of this and I know I have been manipulated, lied to and emotionally abused, for 15 years.

There are reasons I am still in this relationship, mostly due to my children and I get that other people won’t understand this and will expect me to be stronger and do what ‘they’ believe I should do, despite the fact that I have no physical and practical support in my life.

I guess it’s good and bad, that I am so used to being abused.

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Churches and church people, are under more attack from darkness, than they realise.

I have already seen so much dark stuff within church people and I read about it and know just how much unhealthy, abusive, wrong, dark stuff goes on.

I see that wherever Jesus and God are spoken of, attack comes in a greater way.

And sadly, all weaknesses in people are used, and most have no awareness, no insight into that.

This is why abuse of so many different types are so prevalent in church people and anyone who believes this is not true, is deluded.

This is why Jesus’ Word is abused so badly.

Selective Bible verse abuse, being a huge issue.

Failing to learn the correct Biblical meaning, and listening to unwise ministers, goes on in a huge way.

Why child abuse, domestic abuse goes on so much.

Why a bit of abuse is considered okay. Or even a lot.

Why paedophiles and sex offenders are allowed to roam freely.

Why there is so much silencing of victims of abuse and how badly they are treated.

Why there is so much ‘turn a blind eye’ goes on.

Why image is so important.

Why the church reputation is so important.

Why cover ups and corrupt investigations occur.

The list is endless.

And most of these people, are completely unaware of what is going on, and they often follow along like mindless sheep.

But some are deliberate in their darkness and they do know what they are doing is wrong. So they lie, deny and keep it hidden, like narcissists and sociopaths do.

I see this darkness is perpetuated in greater numbers within right wing, fundamentalist, conservative churches, because there is a greater lack of empathy, lack of conscience, lack of remorse within many of those people.

It makes me really sad to see so many going along with this darkness.

And I also see that I am under attack, because I speak up about this and that pisses darkness off. Continue reading

Is my ‘husband’ projecting his own desires for me to be dead?

During an argument yesterday, my husband stated in a very nasty voice, with a horrible sneering expression on his face – that he thinks I wish he was dead and how I would ‘love’ that. I don’t think those types of thoughts at all. I’ve never had thought like that – even about my worst abusers. I don’t even want physical harm to come to my abusers and cringe when I hear of paedophiles being beaten up in prison – that’s how far away from wishing harm on people, I am.

So, is he just projecting his own thoughts about me?

Is this what ‘he’ really wants and would like to see ‘me’ dead?

I know narcissistic, sociopathic people project their own inner thoughts and needs, so is this what he is doing?

Do I need to be concerned that he is having some death fantasies about me being dead?

It definitely makes me feel very unsafe, especially the venom in his voice as he said it.

After the way he lost the plot and was screaming at me the other day, I have to be concerned that he could snap and do something.

Hope he doesn’t kill me. For my children’s sake. They need me.


They are out to cause damage to others… not everyone, just those they prey on….

shit and piss

And they can do this in highly covert, manipulative ways…… lying, gas-lighting, minimizing, excusing, projecting, justifying, blaming ….. the list is so long.

Many won’t realise this is what they are doing, due to how covert the behaviour is.

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There is no ‘adequate’ relationship, with a highly narcissistic individual.


It is a red flag to me, for anyone to believe that an ‘adequate’ relationship, is possible with a highly narcissistic person.

A huge red flag, to someone’s own disordered thinking, or need to enable and condone abuse – which is disturbed thinking.

Narcissistic people don’t ‘love’ anyone, they are incapable of love.

They simply see people as objects to be used, for their own needs.

That ^^^^^^ is not in any way, a good/positive relationship.

That is never an ‘adequate’ relationship.

It is an abusive relationship and to want to remain in that, and tolerate that, is disturbed thinking.

Had a very frank conversation with my husband, about his issues, and my healing.

The only reason that I was attracted to my husband 15 years ago, was my own unhealthy issues of being with men who are not good people and subconsciously knowing I will get hurt more.

Plus, I didn’t know some stuff about him until after we had our first child, because he is a liar, and is very devious and lies by omission and thinks that is not lying.

If I knew then, what I know now, I would never be with a man like him.

I explained to him last night, it is absolutely horrible, that I spend every day wondering what lies he is telling me, seeing some of his lies frequently, and knowing for every lie I know about, there will be many more I don’t. I told him straight, he is a pathological liar, and quoting a specialist in personality disorders in US, ‘people who lie frequently and as an automatic response, are disturbed people with personality disorder issues. And that lying, is the ultimate manipulation and avoidance of responsibility technique.’


I explained to him, that his behaviour is abuse. Emotional abuse.

I also explained some of his other abuse techniques of rationalising, minimizing, gaslighting – when he acts like something was never said/done/lies about it, getting angry and defensive, lying about and to our children and much more.

I explained to him that I realise I would be a fool to not consider that he may already have had affairs that I don’t know about, or is now and that he ‘cannot’ be annoyed at me thinking this, because it is ‘his’ behaviour that causes this. He has a history of having affairs and being very dishonest about them – and feeling very entitled to have them, and feels no remorse, no conscience, no guilt. And that I know he would not own up to it, if he had/is. He would lie and feel completely entitled to do so.

If he didn’t lie all the time, I would be able to trust him more.

The fact that he lies continually, is his responsibility for me quite rightly, being unable to trust him. And that it is further abuse, when he demands that I should trust him.

And that all of this, plus other manipulation, his selfishness, his lack of remorse, his lack of conscience, his lack of guilt, his sense of entitlement do whatever he wants and ‘tough luck’, his anger that I ‘dare’ to bring any of his behaviour up and be upset about it, his ignorance when he refuses to listen me, sulks like a teenager, walking away from me mid sentence, etc is all ‘his’ huge amount of immaturity and narcissism.

And that whilst he may not physically abuse me, emotional abuse is just as damaging. Particularly as I am someone who has been abused, all my life.

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Christians do not have to ‘like’ everyone. I don’t like my husband.

Church people, often get very confused as to what they ‘should’ do. Or ‘should’ feel.

I know I do not have to ‘like’ everyone.

But, I do have to be kind and not want to do anything negative in return for what people do.

I also can love people, and want the best for them, without liking who they are, or condoning what they do.

I don’t ‘like’ my husband.

I know that if I knew 15 years ago, what I know now, I would not choose to be with a man like my husband and in fact, I would not choose to even have him as a friend.

I don’t like his personality.

I don’t like his pathological lying.

I don’t like his need to steal joy.

I don’t like his enjoyment he gains from seeing others hurt.

I don’t like his entitled attitude to be covertly narcissistic and manipulative.

I don’t like his lack of compassion, empathy, conscience, guilt etc.

I don’t like how selfish and egocentric he is.

I don’t like how he lies to and about our children.

I don’t like how he provokes our children, and myself and thinks that is okay.

I don’t like his lack of capacity for honesty or to think about the needs of others.

I don’t like his lack of charitable heart and how he only wants his own needs served.

I don’t like how untrustworthy he is and how I am aware that for every (regular) lie I know about, there will no doubt be many I don’t know about.

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Seeking advice from a solictor this week… about divorce.

I’ve been abused all my life, either by family, husbands, abusers…… and I don’t intend to spend the rest of my life, suffering abuse….or for my children to be subjected to it either.

I know why I married both my husbands, I know it was because I didn’t think I deserved someone who would care about me and I had abuse re-enacting issues. I have always veered towards abusive, selfish men who will hurt me. I am aware it is all related to my previous trauma and abuse throughout my childhood.

Today, I was pretty badly verbally and emotionally abused and my husband has no remorse, no conscience, no empathy about it. He said an abrupt ‘I’m sorry’ later – but it was completely non genuine and I do not have to accept a non genuine apology, that I know was only said for his benefit…..because really he knows he went too far, again.

His ego and narcissism, believe though, he is entitled to shout and yell and swear at me….even though completely unprovoked by me and whilst I am really upset because I thought a huge truck was about to plough into me. And he knows I have PTSD, anxiety, hyper vigilance.

Since this non genuine apology, he has stated that shouting, yelling, swearing at me….all because I (rightly) criticised his driving due to a near crash….was not abuse – as per him. He claims it was just an ‘argument’. Typical narcissistic response. Continue reading