Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


My son’s first night at Church youth group. Anxiety.

I have anxiety. Inwardly, rather than outwardly. My stomach is letting me know I have anxiety, as I feel nauseous.

I do know it is absolutely okay that I have anxiety about my son attending a church youth group. Especially when we’ve only just started attending the church and I don’t know the people there yet.

It is also okay that I have anxiety, because church has not previously been a positive experience at all, for me, or my son and family. So, it is normal to feel concerned, worried and be anxious.

My rational mind is thinking it will be most likely be fine, he will most likely be safe and have a great time.

My anxious mind, that has a great deal of knowledge of widespread church issues and poor attitudes regarding potentially or known abusive people …… is reminding me just how badly churches can f*** it up, when it comes to keeping kids/teenagers safe.

I need a drink.

*sigh.


Update on this blog. Found out the youth group is finishing at the end of this term. So, Continue reading


Character, virtues, heart & soul, are my priorities.

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I care about my children’s emotional health.

I care about my children’s developmental needs.

I care about the adults they will become.

I care whether my parenting models and teaches them all they need.

I care they know – what is on the inside matters, far more than anything on the outside. Continue reading


My 6 year old has an imaginary friend, so I researched it :)

I was aware pre-schoolers have imaginary friends and that is absolutely normal. But when my 6 year old started talking about ‘Sidney’ – I decided to research if this was okay. Child psychology fascinates me, as well as adult psychology.

Apparently, school aged children with imaginary friends can be more in-tune with emotional needs and connected emotionally to their parents. I’m aware my 6 year old, is an old soul type, a deep thinker and mature for his age, as has been noted by his teachers. He was recently given another ‘excellence in behaviour’ award.

We’ve had lots of talks about Sidney, and I always validate Sidney exists and ask questions. I know what he what looks like (he eyes just like me my son explained) and he is a ‘sensible’ friend. I giggled when my son said Sidney was his sensible friend, because his friends in school were not sensible. They are silly.

I hear him chatting to Sidney, when he is playing Continue reading


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A well balanced childhood, is my aim for my children.

Today has been one of those days, where I feel like I am actually really achieving what I aim for, as a mother.

My husband is on nights, and needing to sleep in the day. So, I take my boys out if I can, to help keep some quiet at home.

We went to the shops, and I treated my boys to a donut and milkshake treat. And that is a treat for my boys, because on a limited income, even that is not cheap. So my boys are learning not to expect and demand luxury’s and treats, as a frequent and expected right. They know treats, are treats. I aim for my children not to have an entitled attitude.

While at the shops, we also scouted around for cheap items we could buy, to put in the care packages I am now involved in, for homeless people. A local organisation are helping homeless in my area, and they collect many items donated. It is such a worthwhile local community initiative and I want my boys to be aware of what I am doing and to take part. So I had them checking out the shelves in the shops for anything that might be useful we could add the packages. And they enjoy it, so it’s a really great positive learning and growth experience for them. I want my children to grow thinking of those outside of their own lives. And have a heart to help those in need and a community spirit. Continue reading


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Mother’s Day….. I am determined it will be okay.

I am determined Mother’s Day will be okay. Regardless of the past, ‘I’ am a mother, and a decent one. Not a perfect one, but one who cares for my children, loves them, and chooses to consider their emotional needs.

I am not big on celebrations like Mother’s Day, Valentines Day, but my children obviously want to celebrate Mother’s Day and I want them to have that and be happy.

Had some lovely gifts, including a handmade heart necklace, with my 6 year old’s thumb prints in it, which is so special to me, and gifts like that mean more to me, than bought gifts.

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Pretty stressed, as my son has a mass of lumps in his neck.

My 12 year old son had an ultra sound and chest x-ray today, following blood tests, because he has lumps in his neck that are growing in size.

These lumps are at the side of his neck, not where you get swollen glands with a sore throat. They are inline with the back of his ear. They can visibly be seen sticking out of his neck. He’s had them for over 6 months, and the previous GP we saw about them, said they were okay and only be concerned if they got bigger.

Well, they are bigger and have grown in this last 6 months. I can see on the ultra sound x-rays, there are many lumps both sides of neck and a few are over 2cm’s is size. One is over 3cm’s in size.

The GP we saw this week, had said if there were bigger than 2cm’s, tests would need to be done to find out what they are and what’s caused them. He seemed concerned about them.  Continue reading


My son and his joy for his little tiny tomatoes.

My son is so excited his tomato plants have grown from little tiny plants, to the stage of growing tomatoes. We are growing them in his old water play table, as I like to recycle stuff.

Every day we go outside and check them out to see how they are doing and water them. My son loves this and he is so excited we will be able to eat them soon.

I read gardening and growing fruit and veg helps young children learn patience, how waiting for things is okay and necessary, as acceptance of delayed gratification is a necessary part of emotional development. As well as a whole other heap of positive reasons why growing food, is good for them to be involved in.

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The neglect in my own childhood, I don’t repeat in parenting my own children.

Today, is Easter Sunday and I see what others have as family traditions for Easter and I take notice.

My mother barely provided the absolute basics of parenting. I didn’t learn so much from her. There was serious levels of neglect in so many ways, as well as being combined with severe abuse.

Family traditions, I did not learn. My mother, barely provided any. We had Christmas dinner, Christmas presents, but even that was a chore for her, and our stockings were plastic disposable shopping bags. She could sew, knit – had expensive sewing and knitting machines, yet could never be bothered to make decent stockings for us. As an  adult, I rarely received even a Birthday card, and if I did, it was always late. As a child, we had a few Birthday presents, and an Easter egg at Easter. That’s it. There was virtually no effort provided. Bare basics. Her children, weren’t worth anything more.

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Why I am SO glad I don’t homeschool!

Went to see Peppa Pig last night at Bunnings – which didn’t start until 6pm, so it meant a late night for my children.

They enjoyed it, there was a queue all the way down the store to meet Peppa Pig – she is one popular pig. Then there was a queue for the petting farm animals, then we had to wait for the Easter Bunny.

There were so many people it was ridiculous, and there was music playing and lots of children, and quite frankly for someone with noise and sensory processing issues, anxiety, not liking crowds etc – it was (bleep’ing) horrendous.

But, I did what I had to do, and pretended I was having ‘so much fun’, for my children. And I did love seeing how happy they were and how much fun they were having. And I am very thankful that Bunnings have these free family evenings – it is lovely they do this for the kids.

So, being a late night for my 6 year old, he was a cranky little bugger this morning. Tantrums, refused to put his shoes on, whinging…… fun….not!

By the time I got him to school, I was already O V E R today.

I warned the teacher why he was cranky, wished her luck with that (joking with her), and now I am home thinking THANK GOD I don’t home school!!!

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My son is doing exceptionally well in school & I can’t affect that.

My 6 year old is a smart little boy. And I know all parents want to believe that about their children, but I am realistic about my children.

My 6 year old is smart and one of the ways he is smart – is book smart/academically smart. my older son, is more gifted musically and creatively – and I am equally okay with both their personal gifting.

At my 6 year olds parent/teacher meeting this week, the two teachers stated he is beyond the curriculum for his grade, and we are only in March and the school year ends in December. His reading, sight words, writing, maths – everything – are all well advanced of his age/grade.

And more importantly to me, he is also a well behaved, polite, respectful boy, who cares about his classmates.

He is doing exceptionally well, and I am very happy about all this.

It also makes me know, I cannot do anything to cause him issues that could be avoided, and mess up this progress and advanced stage he is at. It pressures me even more to know, if I split up with his father, it will affect him and I will affect his schooling and I will feel so guilty about that, even though the issues in my marriage – are not mine.

Despite everything I am going through and everything bad within my marriage……. my children are happy, secure, thriving and doing well…….. and I cannot bring myself to affect that.

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