Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Anger is necessary, as part of healing & grieving.

I wrote a blog yesterday, about how I am not defined by all the abusers have done to me, I am defined by my courage to survive it all, to overcome it all and be a good person.

I struggle to allow myself anger. I suppress it. And I feel a lot of confusion and fear, when I feel anger. Yet, I know anger is a very needed, appropriate and normal emotion, after abuse and trauma. Especially the severity of trauma I have endured.

This came up in counselling last week, were I tried to explain I know I have anger within me. And I can’t cope with it, so I just suppress it.

This week in counselling, While explaining this processing I have been doing, I tentatively said, the success of this blog, my website and all the amazing feedback I get – is kind of a big middle finger, to all those who harmed me.

I said this tentatively, because I am conflicted as to whether giving all the abusers the middle finger, is appropriate and okay. I realise I was apprehensive, as to whether my counsellor would feel this was wrong. Whether this would make me a ‘bad’ person.

Her response, was very encouraging of me writing about this anger I feel and indeed, putting a pic of a middle finger, to all those who harmed me, mistreated me, abused me and treated me as a worthless person. And how this is okay to do on my blog. Continue reading


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Still grieving and will be for a long time.

Discussed this in counselling today. Discussed how the extent and severity  of all the trauma, abuse, relationships I have to grieve, it will be a lifelong process.

I can’t remember the term used, but most grieving processes take around 18 months. But the extent of my trauma history, will not be grieved in that timeframe. It will be a lifelong journey.

I am doing everything I should be doing, and I still feel sad, depressed, angry etc, for periods of time throughout each week. This is normal. So whilst I do not want to feel this way, I am relieved to hear it is very normal. And is probably why Continue reading


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Asked to do a reading at church…. So had to say why I couldn’t.

Having anxiety and PTSD, means the last thing I want to do when in new environments, is public speaking.

It’s only my third visit to church and the minister asked me if I would the Bible reading. I panicked immediately and said I couldn’t do it, as I have anxiety issues. I felt bad that I couldn’t do it. Had anxiety all the way through the service.

At the end of the service, when the minister came and spoke to us, I apologised for being unable to do the reading and told her I have PTSD. She was really nice about it and I could feel myself starting to get emotional. Once she stopped speaking to my sons, we swiftly left, because the last thing I want at this new church, is Continue reading


My sleep issues, are getting worse. Awake all night. Again.

exhausted

I’m really tired. not sleeping well. Insomnia is pretty bad. It’s been worsening over the last few months. Now, it’s pretty dire. I’ve been awake all night. That is becoming a regular situation. Going to have to go on medication, as I know I can’t fix this.

You can be doing everything you should be doing, and still have issues occurring. I realise this is subconscious issues about trauma I don’t want to think about, or talk about. I guess it’s grieving and I am mentally, emotionally overwhelmed, causing me to be physically drained and exhausted.   Continue reading


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So deeply sad to know, I would probably have been better off in foster care.

It is a sad state of grieving, to know I would have probably been less abused and less neglected, had I been put into foster care. Yes, the foster care system is not always positive and abuse and neglect does occur. It is also traumatising for children to be removed from their family. And that is so sad for everyone who endures this.

But, I also need to acknowledge, I probably would have been better off, if this had happened to me.

Being the survivor of complex trauma and every kind of abuse, including being sexually exploited by my mother and step father, for their paedophile and sex offender friends, I may very well have been better off in foster care.

My mother is a narcissist and has sociopath traits and my step father was a sociopath, so the levels of emotional, mental and psychological abuse, were profound, severe and continuing. Throughout my entire childhood. And knowing it is your own parents who caused such severe intentional abuse, is worse than anyone else doing it. It causes such deep wounds, to know your own parents wanted you to suffer and continually made you suffer.

I don’t have a pre-trauma identity. Severe ongoing complex trauma and abuse, was occurring from my earliest memories and no doubt prior to that. Continue reading


Making a YouTube video for my website.

YouTube

I am continually tweaking my website, adding new info, updating.

Website @ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/

I’m wanting to add a YouTube video and will be creating that over the next week. I want to add quotes, pics and some nice relaxing music.

So, thinking about all I wish to add to it.

🙂


Thinking about all the acknowledgements for my book.

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When my book is written, I will be including a section of all the acknowledgments I will be making and how much gratitude I have.

The list, will be…

My counsellor/doctor

My husband

Pete Walker

Many other professionals who support my website/blog/social media

All the many survivors of complex trauma who support me and share their journey’s with me.

All the authors of books I have read and absorbed that have helped me learn all about complex trauma. Continue reading


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I choose a life free of chaos and avoiding unnecessary stress.

I realise all too well, you cannot heal within chaos and stress. So wherever possible, this needs to be removed from your life. It is a choice to be made and the only person who can choose this, is self.

People often rationalise putting themselves within chaos and unhealthy relationships/environments. Especially when this is someone’s ‘normal’. When raised within a childhood of fear, stress, chaos – it is your normal. But, it is does not need to stay that way. It is a still a choice – as to what you expose yourself to. Including people, situations, environments.

The only person that can ensure I lead a life of non chaos and more peace….. is me. So this is my choice. Continue reading


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My journey & message, are of HOPE. Because I am healing.

I do believe there is healing from complex trauma. It takes a massive amount of courage, dedication, effort and doing everything that is needed.

There are many complex layers, to healing complex trauma. I have been peeling away those layers, and tackling every one of them. Every wound. Every set of deep consequences of the wounds/abuse.

I have gone to counselling, at times dragging myself, at times truly wishing I could just give up instead.

But, I didn’t give up, I kept going. I still keep going.

I have devoted considerable time over the last 4 years, to researching and finding out everything I can about complex trauma. Read masses. Applied every tiny bit of my deep levels of resourcefulness, to finding out everything I need to know and do. And I knew I needed to find out from all the experts. I knew not to trust my own insight only, and to seek professional and wise advice. And I’ve learned so much and healed so much in the process.

I’ve had to be honest and face truly painful things done to me. I’ve had to be honest about Continue reading