I have encountered this a lot in my life. I have learned boundaries are vital. And realising most people employ a range of cognitive distortions to deal with the worst of suffering in life. It makes it easier to deal with.
But, that never helps complex trauma survivors. It only hurts them more. It invalidates their suffering and creates shame and further isolation, withdrawal. And further pain and suffering. Continue reading
I just tweeted how there are 4 things I’ve learned are vital in this healing complex trauma journey. They are also vital in life in general for everyone…
- Boundaries (for self and with others)
- Balance (types of activities, focusses, not overwhelming myself, rest when needed)
- Self Care (healing, joyful stuff, all the strategies I have learned, health – both physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)
- Self Compassion (knowing I have endured so much I never should have endured & it’s needed to be real about it)
I have struggled, but forced myself to learn these and they are still a work in progress.
So, keeping this in mind, as I have to remind myself of every day… I am going to yoga by the beach this morning, and then catching up with the group of ladies I am enjoying getting to know.
I know I am likely to start building friendships at church, Continue reading
Emotionally, I am pretty calm this morning. Despite my concerns about potentially walking into what could be anything from a nice, relatively healthy environment…….. right through the church continuum….. to the equivalent of being a lions den.
I don’t view churches or church people, through ‘rose coloured’ glasses and pretend they are all okay. As most church people like to. They are not all okay. I am a realist. And have considerable research and insight. And experience.
But, I am holding onto knowing, there are some out there, that are generally healthy. And whilst none will be perfect, some will have more good stuff, than not good stuff.
So, I’m pretty calm. Emotionally.
My body, however, is reacting differently. As is the issue with Continue reading
I frequently see both EMDR and meditation, hailed as the answer to all who have endured trauma. This simply means they are uneducated about complex trauma.
EMDR can be good for PTSD sufferers. But, it is often not suitable for complex trauma survivors. It was not even designed for complex trauma survivors. It is more suitable to one time, short lived trauma survivors where the trauma occurred as an adult.
EMDR, is also not suitable for those with chronic dissociation.
And I know of many who have been offered EMDR, without the correct knowledge about complex trauma and it has in fact, made their mental health worse and symptoms worsen.
Meditation, is another strategy I know is not considered suitable for many with chronic dissociation and dissociative disorders.
Yet, I continually see people, including professionals and mental health organisations promoting EMDR for all trauma survivors, with PTSD issues.
There are significant differences between chronic severe trauma and one time short lived trauma. Continue reading
I removed my Facebook page many months ago, for a few reasons.
I am still receiving messages about when it will be back and how people miss it. Which I understand and I know it did a lot of good, in terms of educating and validating complex trauma survivors. And quality info. But, due to poor Facebook rules, it also enabled a lot of very unhealthy, toxic behaviour too.
I’ve considered starting a closed Facebook group, which would promote greater safety and the capacity to remove people easily. Plus only those who are confirmed and accepted by me, would be able to see the info.
But, I remain decided not to do this, at this time.
I think if people truly want to see my work, they will choose to Continue reading
I’m doing everything I should be. Self care. Boundaries. Less time on the internet. Upped my exercise. Eating better. Socialising with calm, mature people. Gardening. Yoga.
Should be working well you would think…
Nope…….. my sleeping, is shit. My mood is low, often.
Two nights this week, with less than 2 hours sleep. Other nights I do sleep, I’m having bizarre trauma related dreams. It’s truly shit.
I know why. And I know I’m avoiding it. I’m avoiding dealing Continue reading
Until now, I was unable to participate in the online PTSD Chat on Twitter, due to volunteering commitments. That has changed days, so now I am free.
I’ve been asked before to help facilitate it and today being my first free day to participate, it coincides with a day the chat facilitator felt emotionally unable to do it. So, she mentioned how that worked out well and asked me take over and facilitate. Which I did.
It was pretty full on and I had to try and make sure I was liking all comments, and I posted some info to maybe help some of those participating. It was a bit stressful due to how fast many people were posting, but I think I did okay.
It was good to see many comments and the different ways people cope and different strategies used. I posted comments to remind people everyone grieves loss in different ways, each journey is different, different things work for different people etc. Continue reading
It has been the most painful part of my journey, to know my mother was involved, complicit in the grooming of myself and my siblings – to be sexually abused by my mother & step fathers circle of vile friends.
I know I will never get over this. And I know this is reality, because I know psychologically, you do not ever ‘get over’ this level of trauma, pain and suffering. You learn to deal with it and manage emotions etc. But, you never get over it. You grieve all your life.
Yes, there are many reasons why my mother may have become the person she is, but they are never excuses to do all she did.
I don’t rationalise abuse and abusive people, to make myself feel better. I have too much integrity to honesty, rational thinking and reality, to rationalise, as a self soothing, coping strategy.
And this BS people spout of bad people doing good sometimes. Sorry, but that does wash with me. Keeping me and my siblings in a home where abuse was continually occurring, knowing what her husband was. Continuing friendships with abusive people – is continual abuse, every second, of every day.
I am aware I am still conflicted with emotions and feelings I have had my entire life, caused by the deep and severe abuse, my mother made choices to inflict.
I still deep down, have guilt that I did not raise my siblings well enough.
I still feel deep down, their issues are because I wasn’t a good enough mother to them.
I still deep down, have guilt that I did not protect them and save them from the abuse.
And I know rationally, all this was never my responsibility and these feelings of guilt and shame are not mine to feel. But, I do. These feelings don’t just go away, because you realise they were never yours to feel. It’s like they are etched into my soul and I can’t make them go away. Continue reading
I’ve been invited to contribute to a best selling authors book, and I feel so honoured. So, must get on with writing it.
Hopefully, it will be a worthwhile piece of writing, that will help others.