Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


There is something very distrurbed about men who ‘get off’ on seeing women crying, hurting, in pain.

In fact, there is something very disturbed about people in general who ‘like’ and ‘get off’ on pain to anyone.

Sadly, for many abuse survivors, this is where we gravitate, because we ‘re-enact’ abuse. This a subconscious psychological issue, caused by enduring sexual abuse.

And to many who don’t know the psychology, it ‘appears’ we are ‘asking for it’.

And those who ‘get off’ on inflicting pain and liking to see people have pain, of any kind, do seriously need help. Whether it is consensual, or not.

Sadism and masochism, are huge mental health issues. I see that very clearly. And I don’t care who wants to normalise BDSM – it is disturbing, unhealthy and wrong. And nothing to do with love, at all.

I realise, I have had my own issues of masochism ….. as I was groomed to have/develop, during the first 20 years of my life, that continued on into my whole life.

Now, I will ‘not’ tolerate any abuse to myself. Of any kind.

Or be encouraged to, by unhealthy people, who have their own clear issues.

In fact, anyone who now considers any of this okay, will be removed from my life, not because I hate them, but because they are very unhealthy and I need only healthy influences. And I am not anyone’s counsellor. And I will not condone, or enable, or normalise, or justify, or ignore any of it.


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A post to my page on Externalised/Internalised Abuse…

~~ Externalised / Internalised Abuse ~~

Victims of abuse, often do one or the other…… or sometimes both… and this is well known in trauma/abuse psychology.

1. Externalising the abuse…. and projecting that outwards … hurting others… abusing others.

Or…

2. Internalising the abuse….. and hurting self…. continuing the abuse, to self.

And that internalised abuse, becomes a subconscious compulsion – to re-enact abuse and harm self .. and an addiction to that.

Which is all very common, after abuse/trauma. So if you know you do this, please know, it is very normal after abuse ❤

I realised, I was the latter…. and all my unhealthy behaviours, all my dysfunction, emotional self harming, self sabotaging, abuse re-enacting, choosing to be around harmful people etc…. was the continuation of all the abuse done to me previously.

That was when I realised, I needed to stop abusing myself and started working really hard on this….. because I knew I could change this pattern. And I was determined to change this.

This was a very painful and challenging stage of my healing process …… and I needed lots of self care and self compassion to deal with this.

And support in counselling, which is something I always advise people seek.

This is not easy for me to share – so please be gentle in any comments (thank you) ….. and I am sharing this…… only because it is my hope it may help someone who is at or near this stage ready to think and consider this.

I realise not everyone will be ready or need to read this, and that’s okay ….. but there will be some who will benefit from reading this, and this post is for them.

Much love, and full understanding, of how difficult and painful, this journey can be.

But with a message of hope….. that we can heal through this journey ❤

Lilly ❤


I was thankful to have very well educated mental health professionals like this post on my page…… because it helps me to know I am on the right track, in expressing this.

(You will need to be logged into FB, to see this).


I have come a long way, since my ‘Flaunt It’ & ‘In Da Club’ days….

I loved this when it came out, and it very much represents my lifestyle in my 20’s…..

I’ve come a looooooooong way since those days…..


Taking a trip down memory lane……… is a very bizarre experience.

It is as though I am a completely different person….. to the person who enjoyed this lifestyle.

I had no idea of the harm I was causing myself.


I loved this 50 Cent track when it came out…. very appropriate lyrics for me…..

I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed


It is so very clear to me, how I sought to be hurt and treated like shit by men.

All part of my abuse re-enactment issues.

Like a moth to the flame…

I didn’t know any other way…… and it was how I was groomed to me, from childhood.

My body and my mind, responds sexually, to being used, harmed, treated badly, roughly, hurt and abused.

As it was taught to.

My abusers, internalised, and the abuse continued… to myself…… by myself and what I allowed.

All completely subconsciously.