Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Listened to advice about handling a group situation, and it is working out.

I know to seek advice on issues I am not always sure how to deal with. I asked how to manage a certain situation with an unhealthy, disordered person…. and the advice in counselling, was spot on.

When dealing with unhealthy, personality disordered people, you have to stay one step ahead of their issues, and take none of their issues personally (which I don’t) and do what’s best for ‘all’ concerned. This includes not giving in to the unhealthy person’s issues.

When this a group situation being threatened by divisive, controlling, self serving behaviours – this affects a group. But, often people within the group will likely have also noticed the issues of the person and don’t want that drama in their lives either.

It is a relief, when you hear other people feel the same way and have noticed all the same things Continue reading

Spending time with mature, easy going people, feels great :)

Whilst I crave deep connections with people, I am also really enjoying the time I am spending with mature, friendly, uncomplicated, easy going women.

I’ve been walking with two women who are older than myself, a couple of times a week. They chat about their lives, but in an easy going, light hearted, kind, mature, mellow and humorous way. They talk about their lives, but there’s no drama. They like a giggle and can have a giggle about themselves too. I like that. Today, we went to a little café after the walk and had a cup of tea and a chat. It was really nice 🙂

I realise I am wanting light hearted, easy going, mature people in my life. Continue reading

Beautiful walk this morning, with some lovely mature ladies.

I decided to join some ladies who walk around some really lovely lakes. I won’t go walking on my own, as it doesn’t feel safe, so to walk with other women, is great.

The sun was shining, the lakes glistening, wildlife and fauna stunning. So beautiful and I take notice of all that. I appreciate all the many beautiful things around me and focus on being mindful of it all. And have gratitude for it all.

The two ladies know each other and they were chatting, and their conversations were interesting and mature. I definitely relate more to people who are mature and/or older. One volunteers and was talking about a refugee family who had such an interesting life story and she found that interesting to listen to. She enjoys volunteering and meeting all different types of people. That was good to hear. The other lady is a nurse and she seemed mature and interesting too. So, I listened to them chatting, asked a few questions, didn’t say too much, but said enough to join in. They asked me a few questions too and seemed interested in hearing about me.

They are also planning to attend pilates once a week and let me know where, and the time would fit in with me if I wanted to join them. It’s at a time that doesn’t conflict with my children or husbands shifts.

They are nice ladies and invited me to message them about walking and pilates.

It was a truly lovely start to my day. Continue reading


Relationships end, but I’m okay with that.

I used to have a great fear of relationships ending, and feel huge levels of grieving and loss. I would do anything to avoid that feeling of loss. I would people please, be a doormat, apologise for what I shouldn’t. Whatever was needed to keep the relationship going.

Now I don’t do any of that. I am okay with relationships ending that need to end. I can manage it far better.

My counselling has ended, my decision. I am surprising okay with it. I could no longer tolerate the ongoing underlying patterns of patronising, condescending, mocking, abuser excusing and victim blaming/shaming. I’ve dealt with too much of it now to ignore it. I’ve challenged it, I’ve stated what I won’t tolerate, I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve heard apologies and yet it continued. So, I ended counselling as I realise there is a point at which you know you need to give up and let it go. There is a lot I could write, but I’ve written it all before and I don’t feel the need to rehash it all.  Continue reading


I have no idea what love within a healthy relationship, feels like.

toxic parents

I have no idea what it is like to have this type of love ^^. Real and genuine love from parents. Or anyone.

I didn’t have that in my childhood, I had the opposite.

I accept, as a result, I absolutely do know harm and abuse and all the red flags for that and all the deeply painful consequences…..but I do not know what it feels like to be loved in a genuine, others centred, cherished way.

I accept I never will. I have always sought out people who will harm me, with their selfishness, their ego’s, their narcissism etc.

I didn’t know until recently, this is what was happening or why, and this still does not in any way take the responsibility of those who harmed me, away from them. They made choices to harm me, regardless of what I was doing. It also doesn’t minimize the effects of all their abuse and it is too late to go back and do my life differently.

Hindsight, is painful, cruel, when you have lived a life, like mine.

I accept healthy relationships are not ‘my thing’…..because I’ve never had any.

Continue reading


Dealing with conflict externally and internally…

I have been dealing with other people’s issues, my entire life. And I see as a result, this has taught me a great deal in life about humanity, myself, people, sin, abuse, personalities, psychology, cognitive distortions…etc.

I have a lot of internal and external processing go on right now.

I can see what I am learning through this…. how to deal with other people’s issues, which are triggering and hurtful……in a more appropriate way….without fear and triggers taking over…..without enabling the behaviour or tip toeing around anyone, and also trying to be mindful of everyone’s needs, meeting everyone where they are at….have healthy boundaries….protect my children…protect myself….but be fair throughout it all…..

And it is not easy.

I am very aware, love – is loving someone for who they are now…..not what you want them to be. And accepting people can be in different places, emotionally, spiritually etc and that’s okay, even if you don’t get many of your needs met. And that people only love others, to the capacity they are capable of and their depth of love – reflects greatly on their own personality types and emotional capacity, and is not a reflection of me.

But, also not just tolerating and enabling poor, disrespectful, hurtful, nasty behaviour and having my voice heard too. Continue reading