I am able to segregate parts of my life these days. I don’t suppress my emotions, but I am able to hold them, until an appropriate time.
I feel very sad and I know I am grieving and I am allowing myself that today, whilst alone.
I know I need to let the tears out and feel them, because to hold them in, hurts me more long term.
And I have a lot to grieve.
Feel really unwell, and yes it is completely my own doing – stopping meds cold turkey…
Mood lowering a lot……feel really sad, tearful, lonely, aware of having no-one who cares about me in any real way and all the usual emotions that go with that.
I fucking hate my life.
Way too much abuse, way too much suffering, way too much darkness being inflicted upon me, and way too little support and love now.
Only another broken, alone person, knows how this feels.
Only another heart shattered by so much abuse and fear, can understand how this feels.
Only someone tragically desperate for a home, for somewhere to belong, can understand how this feels.
Only someone who has never been loved, can understand how this feels.
Only someone who knows how it feels to have a huge hole in your heart and soul, where family are meant to reside, knows this suffering.
Tears are falling, as the pain of enduring this all my life, that gut wrenching pain always just under the surface, swells and washes over me, like waves of grieving sadness.
I help others, because I don’t want anyone to feel this alone.
There is no greater pain than decades of abuse and terminal aloneness, with a complete lack of any hope for life to improve and just waiting for death, to release the pain.