Don’t feel at all guilty for needing healthy personal boundaries. It makes you a safe person.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/

Personal boundaries, protect us from the unhealthy issues of others. They protect our wellbeing and our healing. They are not a luxury, they are a necessity. And I no longer feel guilty about insisting on having them.

Having healthy boundaries, makes you a safe person. And not having them, makes you unsafe.

I have noticed some people with unhealthy boundaries, also have a lack respect for others and this shows in a range of behaviours. This makes them unsafe. And caution is needed.

I accept some people don’t have self insight into their issues and have unhealthy boundary issues as a result. Some people even when you raise the issues with them, they are unlikely

“If it’s harming you, why are you doing it?” Says a psychologist.

I was watching the TV earlier and a psychologist was talking with someone who is dealing with serious emotional issues publicly, due to being in a reality show. The person complained about the lies and crap being promoted by people and how damaging, hurtful and upsetting it is.

The psychologist asked the really obvious question “If it’s harming you to be dealing with all this in the public eye, why are you doing this (reality show)?” And added “you don’t need to be doing this”.

Even though I am not on a reality show, I have put myself out there in a public way, by having this blog, and more so on social media accounts. And these promote the opportunity for people to react, respond and act badly, in response to what I do, what I write and how I defend myself against unhealthy people.  This more ‘public’ situation, attracts the haters and people with no conscience who act in a really nasty and negative way.

I could not fail to apply this question to myself…….. even though the two situations are very different in many ways, but similar in some ways.

“If it’s harming you, why are you doing it?” With regard to social media. The public domain situation.

I can’t take this hat off…

Every complex trauma survivor needs someone they can fall apart with. With the safety of knowing that person will still be there.

Feel safe enough in that relationship, to know they won’t be abandoned.

Sadly, many don’t have this.

Having no-one to feel safe with….. impacts the healing journey, greatly.

I shared this on my page, because I truly see the wisdom in this and how this is needed…

“I was very intentional about the type of environment I created for myself during the beginning (and most vulnerable time) of healing. My recovery has been like being pregnant with my true self so I avoided things that might hurt the new life being formed within me. The two major issues I focused on were my physical surroundings and my relationships. I spent a lot of time resting in a cocoon-like refuge that I prepared in my home and I cut back on social obligations. I also cocooned myself with safe and supportive friends who nurtured me. I refused to spend time with others who didn’t feel safe. Giving myself the space that I needed allowed me to focus on the healing work so I could progress through it more easily.”The ~ Rescued Soul by Christina Enevoldsen

I don’t have anyone I feel safe with. Not my husband, nor my counsellor, no-one.

I know this is partly their issues, and partly mine.

I married someone I absolutely should not be with, who is very untrustworthy and selfish and has his own set of issues.

I have raised the issues of my lack of safety in counselling and why and it is yet to be seen whether this can change.

Standing up for myself …. face to face …… doesn’t seem to get any easier.

I am being more assertive these days, and not allowing others to invalidate and minimize my journey, and not project their opinions on me.

Doing that face to face with someone, is not easy for me. In fact, I hate it and would rather avoid it at all costs.

Yesterday, I dealt with confrontation with my counsellor and I said what I needed to say. I told her that she has not created a safe enough place for me to speak and projects her own opinions too much. I told her that she has invalidated my own thoughts too often and that her opinion is nothing more than that – an opinion and that she in fact does not have an opinion of my life, and all the trauma and those who caused it, because she was not there.

It was horrible. I hated it. My anxiety was through the roof. I was struggling not to just zone out. I was emotional, defensive, struggled to get my words out, struggled to convey what I meant. And I said I knew I was struggling with it and being defensive.

I explained that I didn’t even feel safe, to explain that I don’t feel safe.

Therapists should not shut down a complex trauma survivor.

Safety and trust, are the two biggest issues of any complex trauma survivor.

In order for a complex trauma survivor to feel ‘safe enough’ in therapy – they need to know they are being listened to, are being allowed to speak, are being allowed to express all their needed emotions.

As Pete Walker wrote in his book – when you add anything around the subject of compassion for abusers, forgiveness for abusers, too soon in the therapy, it will destroy that survivors trust and deeply harm their healing. Much work is to be done before these subjects should even be raised.

I will also add to this – if a counsellor tells a survivor they are wrong with how they feel about abusers, wrong in how they are trying to deal with their emotions about their abusers (in my case labelling, educating myself about personality disorders), patronises, demeans, rejects their views/thoughts  – that will destroy any trust and safety they need and harm their healing.

Complex trauma survivors have had their emotions, needs and feelings shut down continually by the abusers. So when a therapist also repeats this, the damage will be great. It will destroy any trust, as the survivor will feel unsafe.

Therapists need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves, until the survivor has dealt with all their emotions. Yes, help them deal with emotions safely, but do not create barriers to them expressing their emotions.

You don’t help a complex trauma survivor, by mirroring what the abusers did

Devastatingly sad to know children use blankets as security & safety, when raised in abusive homes.

I posted about ‘weighted blankets’ on my page just now and a survivor stated how as a child she would wrap herself up in a heavy blanket and sing to herself until she fell asleep.

I am sat writing this with tears pouring down my face, trying not to sob.

Children should not be needing to seek safety, comfort and soothing from a blanket, because their parents are so abusive and neglectful.

So, so sad. And has triggered a lot of distress to remembering myself doing this as a child. Crying, scared, alone.

A child should not live in the level of fear, being unsafe, harmed, abused, alone, distressed …… trying to substitute a blanket for what the parents are meant to be providing.

What is considered maladaptive to some, is adaptive and needed, for others.

As a child, I always used daydreaming and pretending I was in another life to cope with the nightmare of the childhood I was stuck within. Now I am regularly daydreaming. Every day. People are nice to me, kind to me, and love me in my daydream world. Just like they did in my childhood daydreams.

When completely alone, with no love, no-one who cares, daydreaming can be a necessary coping need.

I don’t expect most people to understand. I realise it would be considered ‘maladaptive’ by some. That is ‘their’ opinion, based upon ‘their’ own lives/life experiences and ‘their’ own needs. Not mine.

It is so much safer….

I relate to this quote and completely understand it.

It is where I am at.

I can’t allow myself to feel what I need to feel…. because it takes me to very dark places.

I can’t medicate it away, because I can barely function.