New medication for insomnia.

Having not slept at all last night, and knowing my sleep issues getting worse, I realise I need medication. Even though I prefer to not take them.

I have a lot going on, which is all emotionally and mentally draining. Plus past trauma stuff still affecting me. So, my counsellor/doctor was good about it all, understanding why I have insomnia as a result.

So, I start the medication tonight and hope it is okay and I sleep.

When you feel relief after a decision is made, you know it’s the right decision.

Self care focus. Yoga & catching up with friends today.

I just tweeted how there are 4 things I’ve learned are vital in this healing complex trauma journey. They are also vital in life in general for everyone…

1. Boundaries (for self and with others)
2. Balance (types of activities, focusses, not overwhelming myself, rest when needed)
3. Self Care (healing, joyful stuff, all the strategies I have learned, health – both physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)
4. Self Compassion (knowing I have endured so much I never should have endured & it’s needed to be real about it)

I have struggled, but forced myself to learn these and they are still a work in progress.

So, keeping this in mind, as I have to remind myself of every day… I am going to yoga by the beach this morning, and then catching up with the group of ladies I am enjoying getting to know.

I know I am likely to start building friendships at church,

Fatigue. Need to withdraw. It’s okay, Jesus modelled this type of self care.

I had been hopeful I was past feeling like this. Clearly not. I still get fatigued by the issues of others and it drains me emotionally, physically, mentally. I’m overwhelmed. And I am exhausted. Again.

So, I will do what is needed. Withdraw. Stay away from what fatigues me, as much as is possible. Keep focussing on the only person I can trust. The only person to be relied upon. The only person who can sustain me. Jesus.

Beautiful walk this morning, with some lovely mature ladies.

I decided to join some ladies who walk around some really lovely lakes. I won’t go walking on my own, as it doesn’t feel safe, so to walk with other women, is great.

The sun was shining, the lakes glistening, wildlife and fauna stunning. So beautiful and I take notice of all that. I appreciate all the many beautiful things around me and focus on being mindful of it all. And have gratitude for it all.

The two ladies know each other and they were chatting, and their conversations were interesting and mature. I definitely relate more to people who are mature and/or older. One volunteers and was talking about a refugee family who had such an interesting life story and she found that interesting to listen to. She enjoys volunteering and meeting all different types of people. That was good to hear. The other lady is a nurse and she seemed mature and interesting too. So, I listened to them chatting, asked a few questions, didn’t say too much, but said enough to join in. They asked me a few questions too and seemed interested in hearing about me.

They are also planning to attend pilates once a week and let me know where, and the time would fit in with me if I wanted to join them. It’s at a time that doesn’t conflict with my children or husbands shifts.

They are nice ladies and invited me to message them about walking and pilates.

It was a truly lovely start to my day.

Need a day alone, to rest and have self care.

I’m meant to be going to volunteering today and I’m not going. I’m not up to it. I can tell I need a day to not have to deal with people and just be by myself. As an empath, deep thinker and someone always subconsciously very vigilant, it can become overwhelming, to be around people.

I need to deal with ‘my’ stuff, and not other people’s. I know when I need self care and rest and I allow myself that. I’m going to get the kids to school, and then do some gardening and watch some TV gardening programs recorded.

Rest, relax, pray.

Balance is off….

It’s been a big week for me. A really good one. A really full week, meeting new people, driving to the city. Every day I have had something going on. Which is wonderful and I am thankful, but also a little overwhelming. I realise I should have planned my week with at least one day off, to have some needed alone, quiet time.

So, next week I will plan my week better.

Have a few days where I can relax, get out in the gardens, potter about and just breathe.

Boundaries, self care, maturity…

This applies to anyone who you know cannot be in your life and where you are able to have no contact. This applies to toxic/unhealthy/abusive family, friends, ex’s.

If they continue to be toxic, there is no need to keep them in your life in any way. We don’t need to be martyrs to people who cause us harm, where they have no intention of ceasing causing harm. To stay in contact and continue to be harmed, is an act of emotional self harm.

Gardening Therapy :)

My gardening is my therapy, my mindfulness, my stress reduction, my joy, my creativity, my inner child healing, my place of safety.

I’m a firm believer in creativity of some kind, being soothing and healing to the traumatised brain. As are many experts.

Self Care, Boundaries, Balance….. I constantly have to remind myself.

Self care is something I only embraced within the last few years. Prior to that, my life was a continual unawareness of self care, having never been shown it in the first 20 years of my life. Instead being abused continually, in severe ways.

Now I am aware of self care, boundaries, balance – those terms/concepts/behaviours that can be so alien to many severe, prolonged child abuse survivors, who grew in toxic homes.

I don’t beat myself up about this constant reminder process for self care anymore. I have increasing self compassion. I accept it is an ongoing process, and when I do okay at it… I am glad. When I don’t do okay, I just remind myself gently what I need to be doing instead. I’m getting better at being nice to myself.