Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


“If it’s harming you, why are you doing it?” Says a psychologist.

I was watching the TV earlier and a psychologist was talking with someone who is dealing with serious emotional issues publicly, due to being in a reality show. The person complained about the lies and crap being promoted by people and how damaging, hurtful and upsetting it is.

The psychologist asked the really obvious question “If it’s harming you to be dealing with all this in the public eye, why are you doing this (reality show)?” And added “you don’t need to be doing this”.

Even though I am not on a reality show, I have put myself out there in a public way, by having this blog, and more so on social media accounts. And these promote the opportunity for people to react, respond and act badly, in response to what I do, what I write and how I defend myself against unhealthy people.  This more ‘public’ situation, attracts the haters and people with no conscience who act in a really nasty and negative way.

I could not fail to apply this question to myself…….. even though the two situations are very different in many ways, but similar in some ways.

“If it’s harming you, why are you doing it?” With regard to social media. The public domain situation. Continue reading


Taking a break from social media.

break from social media

I need a break from my Facebook page. I need a break from social media issues. It is emotionally draining and not a safe place to be, especially when feeling low.

I’m currently dealing with some of the worst parts of my trauma history and now without professional support.

I know I am struggling because my sleep is really bad. Two nights ago I resorted to taking Seroquel to sleep and last night I didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake when my kids got up at 6.30 am.

So, removing one area that is emotional draining from my life, to have better self care is needed.

Such a beautiful day and increasingly good ‘self care’ days.

I feel a shift in myself lately. A shift that acknowledges and is completely okay with my self care needs. My need to not explain myself to anyone. My reduction in internet usage. My need to protect myself from anything unhealthy and toxic. My capacity to assert my needs. My understanding that I am worthy of this.

Any self care has always been a huge issue in my life. In physical and emotional self care terms. As is common in child abuse and complex trauma survivors.

Now, I increasingly feel less guilty or ‘wrong’ for having self care. That is being replaced by knowing it is necessary.

Today, I went to the heated pool and did some hydrotherapy types exercises, and it was lovely. My husband offered to come with me. It was us and some older ladies and one older man. The ladies were politely friendly and chatty, which was nice. I think I relate more to older people, both emotionally and physically. I feel like an old woman, in many ways.

I’m really wanting to get into a routine of going swimming 3-4 times a week and I am trying not to become overwhelmed, as I often can by any expectations I place upon myself. But, I think I will get into this routine and enjoy the swimming, therapy exercises and getting out of the house. I’m worth it.

I am also making full use of my gardens – as the winter here is beautiful. Plus, I am carefully and slowly getting back into my craft again, so that’s nice. I bought a scrapbooking magazine as a treat and a motivator. Continue reading


Keepin’ focussed on Self Care, Healthy Activities & Boundaries….


Part of my journey, has been to focus on needed and deserved self care, and needed emotional boundaries. This is something I know many complex trauma survivors and child abuse survivors truly need to develop and focus on. It’s a big part of my work in educating and sharing my journey, to help others know they need these too.

I’ve been scheduling posts for my page for a while now, and they appear every 2 hours or so. In doing this, I can spend 20 minutes thinking of posts and info I want to add to my social media, schedule them, and get off the laptop. I will check them a couple of times to see what comments are being posted. But, my time on social media as a result, has drastically reduced. Which is good self care. I also remove any toxic and mean crap. I don’t tolerate it anymore. Again, good self care and boundaries.

Today, I went and picked up a few craft things, as I am feeling a spark of enthusiasm for my craft, scrapbooking etc again. I know I can fluctuate in my desire to do crafty things and that’s okay. When I have the desire for it, I do it. I found some stuff heavily discounted, which is great 🙂 Continue reading

Had a rest day today and I keep focussed on good self care :)

This week has been emotionally and physically draining, as most are. Which is why self care has become such a necessary focus.

Talked about some of the deeper stuff in counselling and that was not fun. It was horrendous and very emotionally draining and it doesn’t stop when I walk out of the counselling centre…. the impact affects me for days. I often don’t sleep Tuesday nights, due to counselling and having to speak about such horrible things.

Yesterday though, I made myself go to volunteering at the food bank. I can’t go on Wednesdays at the moment to help pack the boxes, because the bending and lifting is too much for my back issues. But, I can (when up to it) volunteer on the Thursdays which is when they sell them to people and chat with the people coming in, and the volunteers. I had a couple of worthwhile chats with people, and it went well. I was glad I forced myself to go.

I let them know at volunteering, I can only attend when I am up to it, and let them know I have some medical issues ongoing, and I felt okay saying that, no guilt required.

I can only do what I can do and that is enough. There’s emotional self care – right there. Continue reading


Another example of self care/boundaries ~ remove/avoid, what is harmful & not needed in our lives.

A post to my page, which was written with the intention of helping others to realise they need to focus on self care and boundaries too…… and not participate in things that cause themselves harm. Because I want the best for people.

Self care …. boundaries…. are a hard battle for many of us, and avoiding triggers, is something I know we need.

For these reasons, I have decided I need to unlike pages, that post about cases in the media of people who abuse – paedophiles, sex offenders, rapists etc.

Not because I don’t think the pages do needed work, but because the constant triggers and exposing myself to seeing and reading about abusers, is not helpful for me, or my wellbeing. And that is good self care and healthy boundaries to know this.

It doesn’t help for me to be exposed regularly, daily, to reminders of how many abusive people are out there, and what they do. It brings unpleasant emotions, thoughts, and memories…. so the question is… why would I keep participating in this, by exposing myself to it? I don’t ‘need’ to, at all. Continue reading


Self care…. some gardening done today, a few new winter pots :)

I have become a fan of gardening…. it is great for self care, mindfulness, something creative, pretty and enjoyable.

Some days I enjoy it and some days I don’t – because that’s the bad days when I feel nothing good.

But, on the days I do gain some pleasure from it, it makes it all worth it.

Today, I planted up a few new winter pots and my little seedlings are coming on well.



DSC_0165 Continue reading


I guess I have more hope within me, than I believe I do.

I am exhausted. All the time. Many valid reasons.

Including the depth of pain I go through in peeling away the layers of trauma and what they mean. The deep grieving. The emotional pain. The physical pain. The daily grind of dealing with Complex PTSD, PTSD and associated illness. The daily issues I have to deal with. The lack of support in my life.

I am aware, a lot of the time, the only reason I think I keep going is my children.

I often want to give up. Yet, I never do. And I never have, despite everything endured.

I realise I am still working on stuff. Still implementing better boundaries and self care… which is a huge part of this journey.

I just realised as I am typing, I don’t want to use the words ‘healing’ and ‘recovery’ anymore. They make it worse. They shame me. They shame others too, in a covert way. I see that clearly. They focus on an end goal I am ‘expected to reach’ that I may never reach, or may take a lifetime to reach. I refuse to do that to myself anymore. And even that, is progress. I will call it ‘my journey’ and nothing more. Continue reading


Better self care implemented. Unliking every page dealing with narcissism/psychopathy (etc), except 3.

I have come to realise just how many disordered and dysfunctional people are admins of pages about narcissistic (etc) abuse. I am not the only page admin who has noted this. Two others I do support, have also stated the same.

I have made the decision, to unlike every page except for 3 I trust… who have proven themselves to be trustworthy and having good motivations, over a long period of time…

After Narcissistic Abuse, There is Light, Life & Love

Psychopath Free

Self Care Haven/The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care

These three are featured on my Website. And I note, they all have great self care and boundaries – as healthy people do. They focus on their own work, and do not associate much with other pages etc, at all. I am, however, blessed – they do all support my work too. As do many mental health professionals. I am blessed with quality support.

I also stick to professionals in the field, experts in personality disorders, as their work is respected, educated, insightful and valuable.

I refuse to get sucked in to any further unhealthy BS on social media, and I refuse to feel responsible for people who are being lied to, groomed and duped by unhealthy people. They are not my responsibility. They are their own. My issues of ‘over responsibility’ for others, is something I was burdened with as a child, by my abusive mother.

And I accept only ‘I’ can change this and change this, I must. 

I have been sucked into unhealthy, disordered people’s lives, lies and BS all my life and the only way to stop this, is to stop participating in it. Continue reading

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Self care, a continual battle…

This morning, I have already forced myself to go outside and water my gardens and tidy up a little. It is nice being in the warm sun, especially as it has become pretty chilly. But the sun is lovely.

I’m gathering some motivation and energy to go and do some craft. I have a beautiful mothers day card from my boys, I want to turn into a picture …. with the help of my scrapbooking stash.

I also need to do some stretching and some easy yoga stuff. Maybe some guided progressive muscle relaxation…

I know when I am capable of doing stuff I do, and when I’m not, I don’t. And I have accepted that cycles around continually.