I know I am in a bad way and I have no-one I can go to.
My husband doesn’t care about me at all and lies, manipulates and many other abusive, narcissistic behaviours.
I can’t even write what I feel about my counselling.
On top of everything else I am still trying to deal with about my past…. I cannot cope. At all.
~~ Externalised / Internalised Abuse ~~
Victims of abuse, often do one or the other…… or sometimes both… and this is well known in trauma/abuse psychology.
1. Externalising the abuse…. and projecting that outwards … hurting others… abusing others.
Or…
2. Internalising the abuse….. and hurting self…. continuing the abuse, to self.
And that internalised abuse, becomes a subconscious compulsion – to re-enact abuse and harm self .. and an addiction to that.
Which is all very common, after abuse/trauma. So if you know you do this, please know, it is very normal after abuse ❤
I realised, I was the latter…. and all my unhealthy behaviours, all my dysfunction, emotional self harming, self sabotaging, abuse re-enacting, choosing to be around harmful people etc…. was the continuation of all the abuse done to me previously.
That was when I realised, I needed to stop abusing myself and started working really hard on this….. because I knew I could change this pattern. And I was determined to change this.
This was a very painful and challenging stage of my healing process …… and I needed lots of self care and self compassion to deal with this.
And support in counselling, which is something I always advise people seek.
This is not easy for me to share – so please be gentle in any comments (thank you) ….. and I am sharing this…… only because it is my hope it may help someone who is at or near this stage ready to think and consider this.
I realise not everyone will be ready or need to read this, and that’s okay ….. but there will be some who will benefit from reading this, and this post is for them.
Much love, and full understanding, of how difficult and painful, this journey can be.
But with a message of hope….. that we can heal through this journey ❤
Lilly ❤
I was thankful to have very well educated mental health professionals like this post on my page…… because it helps me to know I am on the right track, in expressing this.
(You will need to be logged into FB, to see this).
I am starting to wonder, if my capacity to be very honest about the good, bad and ugly about myself…….is also part of my emotional self harming issues…
It is good to be honest…….but it also invites people’s anger and hurt they have endured, to be vented onto me.
I was doing okay…until I bawled my eyes out about 20 minutes ago. And now I feel like I am a disgusting person and I’m trying to have positive self talk and remind myself I am not who I was over 15 years ago and other people’s opinions of me are simply that….opinions. And that there were far more people who appreciated my honesty and admitting how wrong my actions were and that I don’t condone them, or excuse them and I do feel remorse. And I see how this is modelling how to be honest about self and how this is needed for healing.
But, I am aware these painful emotions that engulf me are also emotional triggers from past stuff too.…as I have spent a lot of time in the past hearing I am a whore, slut, tramp and I actually believed that about myself for a long time. More self harming. More continuing the harm created in my childhood, to be continued on….as many complex trauma survivors endure.
So, I fully see that by divulging this stuff about my past…..I did create this situation myself….to get called names even more and have people who have been hurt – vent their anger at me….not caring how this will affect me and only thinking of themselves and also not realising ‘their’ situation and what they endured, is not the same for every situation.
There are people who intentionally set out to hurt others and enjoy it and never have remorse. I am not that person and I know that. But, others don’t know me, so will assume what they want to assume, because they have been hurt.
And I need to fully consider why I seem to have a habit of inviting people to vent their own hurt, onto me.
I do believe in being honest….and sharing that because it helps others……..but at what expense to myself?
I believe in being honest about what I have done in my life that is not okay. And I model that. Because we don’t heal, when we don’t address our own issues, the darkness within us.
I just read a post on another page, asking ‘what kind of person sleeps with a married man/woman?’..
The responses were mostly stating…..whore, skank, bitch, home wrecker, scum, low life….etc.
This was my response……..because I am an honest person….
“Wow, there are a lot of very judgmental people here. I have slept with married men in my 20’s and I am honest about that and no I am not proud of it at all. If I could go back I would not do it.
I suffered considerable sexual abuse from birth onwards, had no self worth and emotionally self harmed as a young adult – by being with men who I knew would hurt me. There are deep psychological reasons involved.
But, if many of you want to call me a whore, skank, slut, bitch, tramp, home wrecker etc, then do what you need to do. But make sure you are perfect before you do.”
The effects of abuse, particularly child sexual abuse, can lead to behaviours that are definitely not okay, not moral and not healthy……but my life has taught me that I have done things I am not proud of and I didn’t intend hurting anyone.
I regret it fully and I have remorse and I do not intend ever repeating it.
I have come to realise that often people who claim they need to stay in relationships with narcissistic/sociopathic people, are often unknowingly committing emotional self harm, but they can’t see this and will rationalise their own beliefs, any way they can.
I have needed the deep self honesty and courage to deal with my own emotional self harming behaviours, and it was very painful to deal with, so I see many are not at that stage, and some won’t ever be.
Often it is fear related, as dealing with the end of relationships, can feel too scary. Shame comes into play as well, as we have been trained to accept we should be harmed. Often these people will promote what they are doing as okay, because it justifies their behaviours to tell others they should consider doing the same.
For some ‘it’s better the harm you know, than the fear of the unknown’.
Sometimes it can be a form of being a martyr, often due to religious beliefs, which is actually narcissism in itself. Of course, that martyr, will not accept that and many narcs are actually martyrs. I know a pastors wife, who fits the criteria of a martyr narc perfectly, so I’ve seen it happen. But like with all narcs, they won’t admit that. Too shameful. And it makes them ‘feel good’ to be this poor martyr. That is not godly at all.
I do not believe that God
wants us to continue being harmed,
or our healing being harmed,
and to promote that as okay, is unwise.
But, often it is purely a form of self harm, that the person does not realise and will continue perpetuating, which is really sad.
I will add here too….
If the relationship is a marriage, the abusive person broke the marriage vows, not the victim of the abuse.
If this is a parent relationship, we do not in fact need to ‘honour they abusive father and mother’, by staying in their life, continuing to get hurt.
These are just further abuse, spiritual abuse and emotional/psychological abuse perpetuated by too many unwise people who call themselves Christians.
We are not expected to be martyrs and continue being harmed. Or perpetuate self harm to ourselves.
And no God will not punish us and send us to hell……should we cut ties/contact with these relatives.
I know part of the reason I have been avoiding the deep issues within my marriage, is because I know what I will hear in counselling.
I’ve tested the waters on this, and it’s always about having to just put up with it, after all, ‘we are all sinners’ and we should think of the other persons issues and have compassion. I heard my doctor/counsellor say at a conference she was speaking at, that women who whinge about their husbands should just stop, because after all ‘they picked their husband’. This stuck in my mind as not okay, because people should not have to tolerate abuse, harm.
Yes, we are all sinners, but it is about the heart of someone and their willingness to change. Their willingness to deal with their issues. And the heart behind the issues. if they are narcissistic and harmful and feel entitled to that, is it needed to just tolerate that?
I don’t believe God wants us to keep tolerating harmful issues, when there is no hope of it getting any better.
I know many church people believe staying in abusive, harmful, non healthy marriages is what God wants and I disagree. That’s just self harming and enabling emotional abuse. It’s like self flagellation, for making a poor choice in marriage decision. Does that mean you have to be harmed continually and tough, you deserve it for making a poor choice?
It’s not easy being in a marriage with someone you have nothing in common with except your children. I should never have got married to my husband and it is a decision I regret in every way, other than my children.
We are not compatible in any way, at all. Faith, intelligence, emotional intelligence, empathy for others, passion for causes, charitable needs, thinking capacity….the list is endless.
I’ve sadly, always been drawn to shallow, narcissistic people, and my husband is those things too. He only cares about anything that benefits himself, and is vacuous, uninteresting, boring, shallow and has nothing of interest to say.
If I knew 14 years ago, what I know now, I would never pick a man like him, to be with and definitely not to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn’t want him in my life at all.
In fact, spending the rest of my life with him, quite frankly makes me feel incredibly depressed.
*** Trigger Warning.
True Love Hurts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario
Love is pain
Messages seared
Into her core
If it doesn’t hurt
It’s not love
.
This pain
I need
I deserve
Their voices
Replay
.
Painful love
So young
‘It’s how I love you’
Any love craved
Than none
This song makes me cry.
“He hit me and it felt like a kiss”
“He hurt me but it felt like true love”
“Cause I’m your jazz singer
And you’re my cult leader
I love you forever,
I love you forever”
“Heaven is on earth
I will do anything for you, babe
Blessed is this, this union
Crying tears of gold, like lemonade”
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