Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Churches welcome sex offenders/paedophiles, but abuse gay people. Calling being gay an abomination.

I will never understand the mindset of church people who believe in welcoming paedophiles, sex offenders into their churches – offering up children as potential ‘sacrificial lambs’ in the process. They tell people the paedophiles/sex offenders must be forgiven, must be believed if they claim they won’t offend again. Bible texts are thrown about, with ‘we must not judge’ ‘we are all sinners’ generalisations projected. Grace, mercy etc are twisted to suit.

But….. if you are gay, well ‘that’ is the abominable sin. The terrible sin. The sin supposedly destroying Christianity. As per church people’s twisted interpretation, out of context, of OT verses.

If you are gay, you are pretty much not welcome, you won’t be allowed into ministry, you will be told your sexual orientation is sin and you cannot get married. Regardless of your heart, character and how good you are as a person. Regardless of how kind, compassionate, decent you are…… doesn’t matter. You’re gay.

But, paedophiles, sex offenders….. they have apparently not committed the abominable sin, and their intentional, deliberate and vile abuse they choose to make innocent children endure….. that’s okay. That’s forgivable, immediately. No judgment of their heart or behaviours allowed. And those who do have an opinion on this, are then deemed wrong. And paedophiles/sex offender types, know this. Know they will be protected and use this fully to their advantage. Continue reading

Chrissie Hynde needs counselling. But, I understand why she self blames. And why it’s so wrong.


My immediate reaction to reading Chrissie Hynde’s recent comments about rape and sexual assault, were anger.

This is the most typical & toxic kind of victim blaming/shaming out there, and sadly it is beliefs held by too many. When it comes from a woman, I cannot help but feel even more outraged and disgusted. I hate victim blaming/shaming.

But, I do realise Chrissie Hynde needs counselling and psychological help. She is blaming herself for something that was never her fault, blame, shame or responsibility. It was 100% the responsibility of the man who abused her. I realise there may be many reasons she is blaming herself, as I have done in the past. I do feel so sorry for her, and why she feels the need to blame herself for the highly abusive choices an abuser made.

If I were a decent man, I would be highly offended by this notion that men have no self control, no moral compass and no capacity to not be rapists when women are drunk, wearing certain clothing etc.

I agree with this… “The idea that sexual assault is a natural occurrence, ready to engulf passing women in its flames, is one as damaging and insulting to women as it is to men. This persistent belief that men are naturally inclined towards rape, and that women have to dress or act or behave accordingly because otherwise it’ll just end up happening, is one that prevents so many assaults from being reported or prosecuted every year. Rape is not a natural disaster, and men are not prowling animals whose natural instincts would be kept under control if only women would just stop putting on fishnets or getting drunk or looking so damn sexy all the time. However, it has consistently been found in psychological studies that rapists do believe all men rape – which helps them to justify their actions to themselves.”


I realise Chrissie Hynde has deep psychological issues, but she needs to not be projecting her issues, to the rest of society and projecting blame and shame to victims of sexual abuse/assault/rape.

I am truly over victim blaming/shaming.

It has also brought to the surface again, how situations that occurred in my 20’s, where men did not stop when I wanted them to, really hurt me and basically it was rape.  Continue reading

I tell the truth about child sexual abuse. If you prefer things sugar coated, go to the bakery.

Most people don’t want to know the truth. Many reasons.

I don’t sugar coat anything about abuse anymore.

I don’t view life through ‘rose coloured glasses’ or avoid, or minimize, deny, or all the many things, so many people choose.

My commitment to truth, reality and honesty, is my journey.

not sugar coated


Yes, this is exactly how toxic religious people excuse & minimize abuse, and place abusive demands on victims.

religious ppl

These ‘demands’ religiously toxic and abusive people project, are BS.

This goes on a lot and I see this becomes a way for abusers to minimize the abuse, and project these demands onto others, including their victims….. which is not what is wise, healthy or appropriate.

They just play the ‘grace/forgiveness’ card and lord that over people.

They demand forgiveness, often without deserving it, without being honest about what they have done, without repentance. And without any regard as to the victims needs and the depth of suffering and harm caused.

They have NO right to demand forgiveness, grace. But, toxic, disordered, unwise people… use these demands well and for their own needs. It is never about the victims needs.

It’s so easy to abuse someone and then just say ‘God has forgiven me – so should you’.

Anyone with true repentance and compassion for their victims, would never demand or expect forgiveness – because they would know this is not ‘their’ choice, or demand to make. Continue reading

Things You Believe If You Were Sexually Abused…


I was glad to see this article, as it deals with the reality of how we can feel after child sexual abuse.

Having been sexually abused by a paedophile as a child, and sexually abused by a psychopath as an adolescent, I can say that I still feel dirty, used, unclean, broken, have self loathing and no matter what anyone would tell me to the contrary, this is how I feel.

It is how I felt since I was a child and it was first happening.

That’s the shame, self loathing and consequences of child sexual abuse the perpetrators inflict on their victims.

There is something very distrurbed about men who ‘get off’ on seeing women crying, hurting, in pain.

In fact, there is something very disturbed about people in general who ‘like’ and ‘get off’ on pain to anyone.

Sadly, for many abuse survivors, this is where we gravitate, because we ‘re-enact’ abuse. This a subconscious psychological issue, caused by enduring sexual abuse.

And to many who don’t know the psychology, it ‘appears’ we are ‘asking for it’.

And those who ‘get off’ on inflicting pain and liking to see people have pain, of any kind, do seriously need help. Whether it is consensual, or not.

Sadism and masochism, are huge mental health issues. I see that very clearly. And I don’t care who wants to normalise BDSM – it is disturbing, unhealthy and wrong. And nothing to do with love, at all.

I realise, I have had my own issues of masochism ….. as I was groomed to have/develop, during the first 20 years of my life, that continued on into my whole life.

Now, I will ‘not’ tolerate any abuse to myself. Of any kind.

Or be encouraged to, by unhealthy people, who have their own clear issues.

In fact, anyone who now considers any of this okay, will be removed from my life, not because I hate them, but because they are very unhealthy and I need only healthy influences. And I am not anyone’s counsellor. And I will not condone, or enable, or normalise, or justify, or ignore any of it.

Society is increasingly de-humanising love and intimacy…. and women.

When we dehumanise what is meant to be about caring, respectful, kind love & intimacy …. down to pain, humiliation, enabling exploitation, porn and all the other unhealthy needs in this world…. justified and enabled by far too many….

We increasingly dehumanise people and humanity.

And love, compassion and empathy decreases …….. and in it’s place……. is the opposite of love.

I read this article and it makes so much sense, to me.

Melinda Tankard Reist…. stated…
“Fifty Shades of Grey,” the book and the movie, is a celebration of the sadism that dominates nearly every aspect of American culture and lies at the core of pornography and global capitalism. It glorifies our dehumanization of women. It champions a world devoid of compassion, empathy and love. It eroticizes hypermasculine power that carries out the abuse, degradation, humiliation and torture of women whose personalities have been removed, whose only desire is to debase themselves in the service of male lust.


The inability to feel or gain pleasure, from ‘normal’ things.

I am very aware of how psychopaths and sociopaths minds work, because I had to learn the way they think from birth, to keep myself safe.

I am aware they are unable to ‘feel’ good, from normal things in life.

The sadistic psychopath, sadly taught me much life experience of this.

He had no capacity to feel or give love. He had no capacity for empathy, remorse, conscience. He had no capacity to gain pleasure from good, caring, loving & normal activities.

So in order to ‘feel’ something he thought was pleasurable, he chose dark, horrible, pain inducing, abusive needs.

He enjoyed controlling, manipulating, hurting other people.

And I was one of these people.

Yet, he was also terrified of losing me….. and threatened me often, with what would happen, to me and others – should I leave him.

He liked things like tying me up, hurting me, hitting me, forcing me to do things I didn’t want to do, raping me, making me feel considerable fear, and pain. And I could always tell by his face, by his eyes – which would get blacker – when these ‘needs’ were on his menu. And I was terrified of him. And completely controlled by him. I did as I was told. He believed that was consent. I had learned that to fight what he wanted, got me hurt more.

I learned to dissociate when this was happening. I learned to zone out, to cope. I had already learned to do this, when a child and being sexually abused by a paedophile. This dissociative capacity, needed to be ramped up, while enduring a sadistic psychopath.

This need they have to ‘feel something’ they believe to be good, pleasurable…… is something I see is the issue in BDSM.

People who ‘need’ BDSM – can’t feel the normal pleasure of normal/loving/respectful/gentle love and sex. Continue reading