Pretty stressed, as my son has a mass of lumps in his neck.

My 12 year old son had an ultra sound and chest x-ray today, following blood tests, because he has lumps in his neck that are growing in size.

These lumps are at the side of his neck, not where you get swollen glands with a sore throat. They are inline with the back of his ear. They can visibly be seen sticking out of his neck. He’s had them for over 6 months, and the previous GP we saw about them, said they were okay and only be concerned if they got bigger.

Well, they are bigger and have grown in this last 6 months. I can see on the ultra sound x-rays, there are many lumps both sides of neck and a few are over 2cm’s is size. One is over 3cm’s in size.

The GP we saw this week, had said if there were bigger than 2cm’s, tests would need to be done to find out what they are and what’s caused them. He seemed concerned about them. 

Vomiting, due to so much anxiety and thinking of what’s gone on in my marriage.

I’ve been feeling nauseous for a few weeks now, due to so much stress, anxiety. I’m not eating much because of it and I’ve lost weight. As well as dizziness and other stuff.

It’s now at the point of physically throwing up today, which is not something that has happened for a long time.

Going to have to start taking Seroquel to try and ease my anxiety. It numbs me out even more and makes me sleep – but I would rather that anyway. I know I can take it in the morning and evening if I need to and my husband will just have to do the school runs.

It will be good if I can just sleep every day, during the daytime while the kids are in school, and sleep all night and just not exist, as much as is possible.

Robot mode, fully switched on.

I am aware of my capacity to be in robot mode when really stressed or having overwhelming emotions, and still fully function, but just in a zoned out mode.

I am aware it is due to stress, anxiety and fear for my future. The future for my children.

I am forcing myself to eat, water my gardens etc.

I am eating because I know I need to.

I am watering my gardens and pots, because I need to, or they’ll die.

But, all sense of enjoyment for things I had started enjoying, has gone and has been gone for a few weeks now.

I can make myself be out of this robot mode around my children and plug in, but the rest of the time… numb.

I don’t know if this is good or bad, because I have decisions to make …… and I am now having no emotional connection when I think about it.

Numb.

Thinking more than one day at a time is overwhelming me.

I am overwhelmed at the moment, due to grieving and mostly with the issues in my marriage, my future and mostly the affect on my children.

So right now, I am having to bring my thoughts back, to one day at a time. Or rather force myself to think this way, because what my mind wants to do, is think continually about all the shit going on and I am physically exhausted and feeling physically ill as a result, due to the anxiety and stress. I now have daily headaches and nausea as well as other issues – so I know my body is struggling with the stress.

This morning my 6 year old asked me to buy a tomato plant he can grow, which we have been talking about. He loves tomatoes and I am doing all I can to have healthy activities for my children.

So instead of just buying the plant while he is in school, I am going to take him after school pick up and he can help choose it.

So the four of us, will be going to buy the tomato plant.

I am attempting to just do normal family things as much as is possible, until I figure out what I am doing long term.

Lost 4 kilo’s in the last 10 days.

Since stopping all medications a few months back, I hadn’t lost any of the weight I put on.

In the last few years, I have gained 10 kilo’s due to all the meds.

I have now lost 4 kilo’s in just the last 7-10 days and I know why, severe stress, anxiety.

Hives are worse too. And muscle pain. Headaches & dizziness are happening.

Healing page unpublished, Twitter acct locked… now I can start to relax, ready for my few days away.

I wasn’t going to do this until tomorrow, but I am exhausted.

Exhausted by other people’s issues.

Exhausted with old and new grieving.

Exhausted with my home life.

Really mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So, I brought forward signing off social media and not needing to worry about what people are doing…… to this evening.

And I actually feel relieved.

Much needed self care.

SO ready for my few days away, starting tomorrow.

More parenting humour! And some great advice I sought :)

My tween has hormones…….increasingly so. And it ain’t fun!

So, after seeking some wise advice from some lovely people who have far more experience and wisdom with teenagers than I do (I am always seeking other people’s wisdom)……I had some great advice…in response to some stuff my tween has been doing…

Normal… I just tell them, “that’s unfortunate” and don’t make solving their problem my problem when it comes to these kind of things. They have to enter to learn they can entertain themselves and if they are hungry enough, they will eat what is there. It helps to take a less emotional approach and not let it affect you on a personal level.

One of my favorite approaches is to give a big hug and say “awe, that sounds like a personal problem.” They didn’t like to hear it at first, but our job is to teach them to be independent thinkers, problem solvers, and doers step by step, so I remind them of that.

And humour……..you gotta have a sense of humour when parenting teenagers!!!

I do have a sense of humour about parenting and I need to up this to survive the teenager stage.. 🙂

I always joke that I have a pact with Jesus, that He will come back before my kids reach teenagers, you know so I don’t have to deal with the teenage hormones, because of course that’s all Jesus has to worry about…. lol! 😉

But, somehow I don’t think that is gonna happen… 🙂

Some posters that made me laugh today…

Flooded the bathroom, water pouring through the light in the room below.

Forgot I was running the bath for my son, water ended up flooding the bathroom, all pouring down through the floor, and pouring out the light fitting, in the laundry underneath. Water everywhere.

Phoned my husband who was in work, let him know the electrics were affected and the circuit the lights are on, had tripped out and water was pouring through the light. In tears on the phone, struggling to talk due to anxiety. He says he told another boss he was with, about my PTSD, what caused it and that I was distressed and had flooded the bathroom and downstairs room.

I think everyone he works with, now knows I have mental health problems and I can’t cope. Turns out though, this boss also has had PTSD issues following a shooting incident he was in, so was very kind about me, and told my husband to go home to sort out the flooding and because I was distressed. So, that’s two of his bosses who have some understanding of what I am enduring. And I’m thankful he told my husband to go home.

I can convince myself, I can just laugh my way through life….but my body is telling me differently..

My life is bizarre. I have so much trauma I have already processed and more yet to process….plus ongoing current issues…and I am now so overwhelmed, I have gone into ‘fuck it and laugh about it all’ mode.

I am seriously suppressing it all right now. Avoiding, suppressing, minimizing….anything I can do to cope.

Not healthy I know……but sometimes you just gotta do, what you’ve gotta do, to make it through the day.

My body is letting me know, however, this overwhelming load is affecting me.

Headaches, PTSD symptoms, nightmares, noise sensitivity, anxiety, dizziness, muscle pain……all increasing.

It physically hurts to turn my head to the side, both sides. My muscles in my back, neck and shoulders are really sore. And I can handle physical pain, so I know when it is bad….it’s really bad.

Last night I woke up throwing up, and yet no-one else is sick.

But, I have no choice……I cannot fall apart now.

I am under a lot of pressure to keep it together.

So, survival mode is fully loaded.