Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Being empathic, is not easy or pleasant. But, it’s okay to show emotions to people in pain.

Being someone who feels other people’s pain, is not easy, or pleasant. It means you feel the pain others are feeling. I am pretty good at managing emotions these days, but there are times when it becomes more than I can handle.

Today, I was in tears, when a friend was upset and in a lot of pain. I felt her pain with her, because I can put myself in her shoes and imagine how painful it will feel. I ended up in tears with her. Which I was annoyed at myself for at the time, because I want to be able to manage my emotions better.

However, on reflection, I think it is okay to show emotions when someone is so upset. It shows you are human and you care enough for them, to be emotional for them. It shows you are not disconnected from your own emotions.

After writing about how mental health professionals being ‘clinical’ and emotionally detached while discussing highly emotion issues, I see that my capacity to be in tears for another person in pain, is not wrong. Continue reading


Apathy. Everywhere.

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It’s been a really bad week where I live, for domestic violence. A child murdered. Another nearly murdered. Two women murdered. People are witnessing these deaths. Family’s are suffering. Police and first responders are dealing with all this. Many people traumatised and affected.

What never fails to shock me, is many people’s attitude to this.

Comments like ‘I don’t watch any news anymore’. Comments that show utter contempt for how this news is affecting ‘their’ lives. I mean how dare these victims be murdered and spoil other people’s lives… with this bad news…. How dare these people suffer and die….. and spoil other people’s lives….. Continue reading


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I don’t know what to say to some people who are suffering so badly. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

I don’t have all the answers, or the capacity to know what to say to every person who is suffering.

I worry and stress that I may say the wrong thing, to those who are filled with hopelessness and in so much pain.

I never want to invalidate or minimize anyone’s pain. I know that is dangerous and pushes people over the edge.

I also don’t want to tell anyone it is hopeless, because I don’t want anyone to give up completely, as that is dangerous too.

I know through all the hurt, invalidation, minimization and shaming I have endured, not to do this to others. It is beyond painful and has nearly killed me.

I simply don’t know what to say to some people.

I really stress and worry that what I say will not be what they need to hear. Not be what they are emotionally and psychologically capable of hearing.

I also know, it is not my job to be someone who knows what to say to every person. That would be an unrealistic expectation of myself, or of others – to expect me to have all the right words. Continue reading


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Wicked Games… people like to play and destroy you in the process.

Just heard this song on The Voice…. and it reminded me of my favourite version – London Grammar, singing this.

Some people are wicked and do wicked, evil things and enjoy it. I’ve seen and endured far too much of this, since childhood.

They intentionally reel you in, and then intentionally do their damage. And have no remorse, no conscience, no empathy. And they enjoy it.

They intentionally destroy you, make you suffer over long periods of time and feel such pain… and they don’t care at all.


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The never ending cycle… and the ongoing wish I could be dead.

It had been a few okay days, but as normal it never lasts. The reality of my life, always catches up and refuses to be avoided for long.

My family are sat eating dinner and I can’t eat. I will vomit if I try to eat.

It’s been a really bad day. So much anxiety and pain, the continual realisation of having no adults in my life who care about me. Knowing I need a very different type of husband and counsellor. Knowing I am never ‘good enough’ to have the basic needs in life – love, someone who considers my needs, some one who cares enough to say what I need to hear to help me about my past. Someone I can trust. One person who actually cares about me.

Having no-one, is a wound that keeps bleeding.

A painful wound that oozes suffering, along with all the other wounds, that keep me within this state of fear, grieving, shame and depression. Continue reading


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M. Scott Peck – The Road Less Travelled – The Tools & Techniques Needed For Confronting Suffering

‘The Road Less Travelled’ ….. is one of several books I am in the process of reading. I often have several books on the go…… I am always reading, absorbing, learning….growing.

Peck writes how suffering needs to be dealt with. Something I had come realise recently. You have to be willing to go through the pain, to heal. All of the pain. Suffering cannot be avoided, suppressed… or healing will not occur. And when we are not healing, our soul begins to shrivel and die.

I realised the other day, after a failed attempt at taking medication recently.. I cannot medicate my pain away. I have to feel it. I have to deal with it. No matter how long that takes. Medicating it away…. stops me confronting it.

Peck writes about the 4 discipline tools, needed to be able to deal with suffering…

1. Delayed Gratification

2. Acceptance of Responsibility

3. Dedication to Truth

4. Balancing.

Well, that is hopeful for me. Because I recognise all of these, and did not require anyone to tell me.

With regard to those needed tools to confront suffering….

I realise I have to go through this pain of dealing with my past in it’s entirety. If I delay this suffering further, choosing instead the easier place of denial, I won’t heal. As Peck says, these are needed to confront pain…. not avoid legitimate suffering.

‘Legitimate Suffering’. I must remember that is what I am enduring. In the past, and now.   Continue reading


Two quotes I struggle with, but need to remember. No judgment required.

hope

pain

I am aware I suck at these.

They are advice I give to others…. I shared them today on my page…….because my mind knows they are true……… but I definitely do not feel them all the time.

I am aware there are also very valid reasons why I do struggle with these, and I don’t judge myself anymore for it.

What I feel, is what I feel.

No judgment required.


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“Who were you dating at 17?” So distressing to see this question.

While scrolling through my personal FB – I came across this question.

It is so distressing to have my memories and to have lived my life.

I didn’t have a normal life in any respect in the first 20 years of my life. I was raised by abusers, within an environment of highly sick and highly abusive monsters.

By the time I got to 15, I had already been severely sexually abused, severely emotionally and psychologically abused and had tried to kill myself and was already suffering suicide ideation, as a form of coping.

By 17, I was in highly abusive ‘relationship’, with a sadistic psychopath, being abused in every way possible, in captivity.

I wasn’t ‘dating’ boys my age, or having anything like a normal life, or having normal teenage experiences.

I was trying to survive what was meant to kill me. Continue reading


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Grieving the crucial healing needs, never met.

I’ve come to realise that severe prolonged trauma, in childhood and then it continuing into adulthood, is a level of suffering no-one understand unless they have endured it.

And for many who have endured it, they are still suppressing, minimizing, in denial. And many do not have insight into the trauma and it’s consequences.

This leaves very few people, who will truly understand the suffering, the many prolonged & severe trauma’s, the many painful consequences… or where I am at.

And I am not angry, or upset with all those people, at all. And for all those who have never endured this level of trauma, I am so thankful they haven’t. But, I am angry and upset that I have no-one physically in my life who ‘gets it’. Or ‘get’s me’. And angry and upset about what and who caused this.

It’s like I am still being punished. Continue reading