Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


So sad for Cathriona White. Her last few tweets were so telling.

I am always so sad to hear someone has died by (apparent) suicide. Seeing Jim Carrey’s post – “a kind and delicate flower, too sensitive for this soil, for whom loving and being loved was all that sparkled”, made me emotional.

I see from Cathriona’s last tweets, some telling words. Wanting to be a light for others, whilst obviously in so much pain. The endless search in the desert, wanting the faeries to come and take her away. I don’t know her childhood, or her life story, or any mental health issues. But, I know there will be a story.

I understand on a certain level how this feels. I’m so sad she felt this pain, enough to want to end her life. But, I get it. I’m aware if it weren’t for my children, I would not be here.

Some people feel so deeply, see so much, think so deeply and it can be so overwhelming and so painful. Continue reading


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The never ending cycle… and the ongoing wish I could be dead.

It had been a few okay days, but as normal it never lasts. The reality of my life, always catches up and refuses to be avoided for long.

My family are sat eating dinner and I can’t eat. I will vomit if I try to eat.

It’s been a really bad day. So much anxiety and pain, the continual realisation of having no adults in my life who care about me. Knowing I need a very different type of husband and counsellor. Knowing I am never ‘good enough’ to have the basic needs in life – love, someone who considers my needs, some one who cares enough to say what I need to hear to help me about my past. Someone I can trust. One person who actually cares about me.

Having no-one, is a wound that keeps bleeding.

A painful wound that oozes suffering, along with all the other wounds, that keep me within this state of fear, grieving, shame and depression. Continue reading


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A very powerful song & video clip. This is about suicide. The pain. The Stigma. The shame. The reality.

***Trigger Warning*** This is about suicide. Which does occur in many complex trauma/child abuse survivors and awareness of this, is needed.

This song was emailed to me by the singer/songwriter, to see what I thought.


Lyrics – Shell Shocked

I’m shell shocked
from my childhood
This is why I’m like I am
Yet I can still feel good

I copped a lot of shrapnel when
I was you I was shooting blanks for years
Now I take my time a
and I still shed some tears

I’ve got a paranoid streak
and at times it’s handy
Although I’m still learning to love
sometimes I still can’t stand me

I’m shell shocked
Its’ travelled to my brain
Sometimes I borderline
A world where it’s all gone insane
It’s all gone insane do do do do do do do
Do do do do do Continue reading


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I don’t know if I can live in this world much longer.

I know my life is not going to get any better. Whatever I do, I am doing the wrong thing. I am failing my children. I’m not strong enough to do what is needed, and I can’t go on much longer.

I can’t do any of this anymore. I want to give up completely. I have no hope for the future. I have no fight left in me anymore to try to sustain anything positive.

I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

nightmares


Withdrawing from everyone.

Today, is the first time in ages, that I have thought about how I would like to no longer be living.

I am at that place…… again…… where I feel I can trust no-one, and I need to stay away from people.

I realise I have fucked up my life, due to never being shown love by anyone and ending up in a bad situation – I feel trapped within.

Feeling trapped, is a fear inducing emotion for me.

I realise I am enabling and tolerating emotional abuse to myself and that is not a good place for me to be at either. And I realise I have been encouraged into tolerating abuse as well.

So, I don’t want to talk to my counsellor, my friends, no-one.

Right now, I don’t remotely trust any of them.

I would like to run away.

Or die.

And neither of those options are possible.

Update…….. this was a fleeting moment of feeling this way, and only due to the continual emotional abuse, I am enduring in my marriage.

I am far stronger than this now, and do not have any intentions of going down the path of hurting myself.

My children need me, and I will be who they need.


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Music therapy. Music to cope. Music to grieve the past.

Talked in counselling yesterday about ways to deal with the really painful parts of my journey and writing is now one, as this blog attests to and the other is music. In music therapy, clients are encouraged to have play lists of music, for various emotional states.

Music has understood me, when no-one else has. Music has helped me cope my entire life. My music tastes are varied, depending on mood and emotional state.

Over the last 2 years, my main ‘go to’ music to help deal with the pain I have faced about my past, is Lana Del Rey.

Lana deals with depression, aloneness, suicide, men, sex, child abuse, guns, being wild, being vulnerable, seeking safety in people, thrill seeking, needing to be ‘free’, alcohol, not complying with society’s BS, trying to find happiness, but always underlying profound sadness.

Continue reading


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I don’t matter, to the people in my life.

When everything is falling apart, the fear this causes me, is unbearable. Too much has happened in the last few months. Too much affecting me and my emotional state.

I am in a situation now, that I fear the most. No-one in my life, I can trust. This is a very unsafe situation for me, when suicidal thoughts are never far away.

The fact remains, you can never trust people. And I know this. But, I always want it. I need it. It a deep profound need within me, that I cannot change, or get rid of.

The hospital didn’t phone today, as they said they would. Obviously me saying I was having suicidal thoughts, isn’t a priority to them. I guess they were busy with other people who were a priority. Continue reading