Read this article about a judge who asked a rape victim “why didn’t you keep your knees together?” Appalling, disgusting and absolute victim blaming and victim shaming. Taking the responsibility of this rape from the rapist, to the victim.
This judge has been forced to apologise, due to complaints made.
This women has already been traumatised, in one of the worst ways possible, then Continue reading
As per Pete Walker – a very gifted and insightful complex trauma survivor and therapist
http://pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm
“There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate “guidance” put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover.
Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive.
There is an increasing belief in society, that Buddhism is all about compassion. I’ve studied it, and know how far from the truth that is. I am so thankful to have the capacity to have worked that out.
I was told by an ordained Buddhist monk, that I was abused so badly in childhood, because I “must have done something bad in a previous life, to deserve this bad karma”. So it was my own fault. In Buddhism there is no other explanation to child abuse.
If anyone believes ‘that’ is compassion, or even rational thinking, they are deluded.
This is absolute crap and emotional abuse, to suggest a child ‘deserves’ to be abused, because of a supposed past life, that no-one can even prove existed.
The ONLY reason I was abused, was absolutely nothing to do with me. It was about the deep issues and dark hearts of those who made choices to abuse me. I am not in ANY way responsible for it, and neither is any other abuse survivor.
Buddhism, is nothing more than victim blaming/shaming and not wanting people who do wrong, to take responsibility. It takes away the need for responsibility and the need to take any action against abusive people and people who do wrong, and it become a very convenient ‘easy way out’ to doing nothing. Very appealing to many, who don’t want to choose action and courage. And would rather avoid and be apathetic.
“I don’t have to do anything about an abuser, because karma will do it for me”. Really? Very convenient. Very lazy. Very irrational. And if that abusive person harms someone else, because I ignored dealing with, well… that is that victims karma. Wow.
Karma, is not even rational thinking. There is no rational basis to it. It is magical thinking. Continue reading
The 2005 court documents about Bill Cosby’s deliberate and intentional drugging of women to rape them (sex without consent is rape)…. have been released. And it’s no surprise to me that he is indeed a rapist. It is argued he one of the worst serial rapists known to humanity. Certainly one of the worst serial celebrity rapists.
His admission that he intentionally bought drugs and used them to intentionally drug women to have ‘sex’ (rape), is proof enough of validation of every single victim who came forward and reported/spoke up about how Bill Cosby drugged them.
This article is excellent on explaining/highlighting rape culture, victims blaming, and victim shaming.
http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/news/a36217/judd-apatow-cosby-victims-comment/
We should not need a confession from a rapist to believe victims.
The victims have been further traumatised by society, by all those who shamed and blamed them, or called them liars.
Rape culture is alive and kicking and until this is highlighted and fought against more…… and people stop making excuses for predators… it will continue. Continue reading
As I have no-one in my life to validate and tell me these words ‘it’s not my shame’, I will keep saying it to myself, until I finally and hopefully believe it.
Shame is something that has plagued my entire life and continues to. It’s something I will probably feel for the rest of my life.
Child sexual abuse survivors, who were groomed and have parents involved……. suffer so many levels of painful and horrific shame…
My shame issues are…
Shame of not being loved. By parents. By family. By anyone.
Shame of the actual child sexual abuse, which is due to the loss of innocence and violation of the child’s body in the worst possible way.
Shame of the issues that occur within being groomed and how they manipulate their victims to actually want what they are doing at the beginning. And other deep issues that occur within intense grooming of children/teenagers.
Shame of ‘victim blaming’ that occurs at the time – being made to believe you deserve it and nothing better. And then later victim blaming throughout adulthood and is rife throughout society and toxic religious people.
Shame of being treated so badly when disclosing the child sexual abuse, and further shame inflicted.
Shame of ‘shame shifting’ where the shame that ‘is’ the abusers, gets transferred to the victim, by many.
Shame of being ‘made’ to have compassion and forgiveness for those who we do ‘not’ in fact have to have any compassion or forgiveness for. And being made to feel like ‘we’ are the ones who are ‘wrong/bad’ if we don’t and other people projecting they are ‘better’ than us, if they claim to forgive/have compassion. More shaming.
Shame of having mental health issues and all many stigma and ignorance issues, leading to more shame. How not ‘recovering well/quick enough’, is shaming. Not being positive/happy enough, is shaming. Etc.
Shame of feeling like there is something wrong with you because all this happened to you, and the belief system that there is something intrinsically wrong with you – if even your own parents wanted to hurt you this much and never loved you. Continue reading
I’ve often felt in counselling like I am only ‘good enough’ when I’m ‘doing well’ – when I am progressing and able to be positive.
I’ve often felt shamed and unable to speak how I’m ‘not doing well’ and now I’m at the point where when I’m at my worst, I don’t go. Because I can’t handle the reaction… the look of disappointment….the look for boredom. If I can’t barf up some positivity – to please her, I’m not doing well enough.
It’s like a constant shaming process….. if I’m doing as I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing – I’m good enough. If I’m not doing well, that’s not good enough. In fact, it was made clear to me recently if I’m not doing well…. it’s okay I don’t turn up at counselling. I guess that sends a pretty clear message and helps her avoid having to deal with me. I, however, realise counselling is meant to be a safe place where I can reach out when I am at my worst.
I realise after research about mental health policy…. how recovery driven it is. Based upon the highest functioning and least suffering clients.
My counsellor asked me to look through the mental health policy – and I see how ‘you must recover’ driven it is. It is so black and white in it’s drives and goals. I got pissed off reading it after the gazillionth ‘recover’ wording used, and stopped.
I realised this policy is based on people with the best case scenario, with the least impacting mental health issues, who have quality therapy and good support. That is not the reality for many people. Continue reading
Shame, pressure, people’s opinions, people judging – no matter who they are, especially those who have never walked my journey….all adds to the stress and makes my life worse, and affects my wellbeing.
So, removing, or reducing that shame & pressure and ignoring other people’s demands, opinions and judgments…. has been a way forward for me.
Two areas I have noticed a huge impact.
1. The pressure to be healed/recovered. This black and white thinking drive, that everyone can be healed/recovered and they are weak if they don’t. Comparison to others. All shaming.
I see clearly how much shaming goes on in the mental health/medical field, and advocacy field. The pressure and demand to recover is usually based upon comparison to someone who had a ‘better case scenario’. Mental health policy is based upon the those who suffer the least, who are least impacted. The comparison made between basing physical health policy for cancer – on stage 1 patients only. Not stage 4 – those with the least chance of recovery and those suffering the most.
I won’t allow anyone to demand I recover in full anymore. I don’t allow anyone to demand anything of me, because that makes me feel worse, shames me and makes me feel like I am weak… because I don’t meet their demands, criteria, opinions, judgments.
And since I stopped allowing all this……. I feel better and actually more able to continue forward in my journey.
Allowing myself to view my journey the way ‘I’ need to, and not the way others demand, has improved my wellbeing and moved me further along my journey.
It was other people’s demands, opinions and shaming, impacting me, that was holding me back.
2. The pressure and demand as to how I ‘should’ view my abusers and how I ‘should’ feel about all the abuse. How I should feel about them. How I should ‘forgive’ them etc. All shaming.
No-one has a right to project their opinions on me as to how I should feel about what happened to me, or those who caused it.
I am entitled to my full range of emotions. I need to feel them, safely. I don’t have to hide my suffering, because it bothers other people, who lack empathy. I don’t have to deny or minimize my legitimate suffering.
I need to grieve and that will take as long as it takes, and no-one else gets to demand how long that should take. Continue reading
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