Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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Having courageous vulnerability….helps people….in a way that nothing else compares with.

A comment to my page……which is not uncommon and shows that sharing the way I do, everything – good bad and ugly…..helps people…..’really’ helps people in this deeply painful and lonely journey.

God Bless (or who ever your belief is in lol) You Lilly ❤

Your posts on this page are honest and informative.. but above all else they are encouraging.

When the thoughts start to overwhelm I can often find reassurance on here. Be it through a quotation or statement.
I fairly new to this PTSD nonsense and am at the very beginning of my journey with it. It’s frightening when you act in a way you never have before because of fear, even though the fear could be totally insignificant, it shocks you and confuses you. I have only managed to understand the reasons behind things due to A LOT of research (see insomnia is good for somethings lol).

But finding this page has been one of the biggest comforts in it all.

To read someone describing what you are suffering, exactly as you would yourself, is so reassuring….

It makes me feel like maybe I’m not crazy after all…. unless we all are?!? Lol.

Nope.. not crazy… not broken… not unloveable… not worthless… not ‘putting it on’ … Just paying the price for being in the wrong place at the wrong time…

I’m not a.victim, nor a survivor… I am a warrior who will not back down. I haven’t gained the life experience I have so far for no reason… I will use it as a positive to help and encourage others… Just like your good self 🙂


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Sure is my ultimate fear now…being vulnerable, getting hurt and being abandoned.


I can intellectually and rationally explain why this is my greatest fear, what caused this, how to address it and what is needed to manage and cope with this….

But, when I am hurt, get triggered, in emotional flashbacks….this fear is so great within me…burned into my very core and every fibre of my being….this fear over-rides everything.

I have to accept I have endured so much trauma, from so many people, that this is my normal state of being….fear. And it drives me to life threatening emotional states.

Trauma over the last few years, has damaged my healing, damaged further any capacity to trust and I have to take it easy and slowly heal all this.

I know I need to stay away from potentially toxic and traumatised/triggering situations/people.

I won’t heal, unless I start doing all of what I need.

Allowing my inner child to hurt, to feel scared and telling her it’s okay, she’s safe now.

I acknowledge my hurt inner child. I know this is a part of who I am due to my horrible childhood.

I know when my inner child is hurting, because I start feeling emotional, hurt, scared, lonely, vulnerable, fragile, needy and lost. I also know this is emotional flashbacks and I am pretty good at knowing when I am having these now.

I know, not to suppress this, but allow it, and also to have gentle, compassionate, self talk.

My inner child, is never going to have her unmet needs, met. She is never going to have a person in her life, who she feels safe enough with – like a child is meant to feel safe with her parents. And I allow myself to feel that and grieve that.

But, it really hurts. It feels like the very core of my being, is in pain. And it is.

The child I was, became the foundation of my entire life, the basis for who I grew into as an adult. Continue reading

A life of subjection to ‘abuser protection’.

My life, has involved a lot of abuse. It is common and there are psychological reasons, why child abuse survivors, are far more vulnerable to further abuse in adulthood, and this has been the case for me.

The first 20 years of my life, were horrendous. My mother and step father, were abusers, who set me up to be abused. This was worse than abuser protection, is was the biggest betrayal a child can ever endure. the abuse I endured was horrific. My sisters are still in denial so are abuser protectors, defending their parents. 

I had a first marriage with domestic violence – physical violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse. My ex was an alcoholic, with a gambling addiction and enabling parents. So, everything become my fault. Even when beaten up by him. The two black eyes and split lip, were ‘my fault’, according to him and his parents.

I was bullied in work, eventually those people were sacked, due to fraud and there people who fully believed me. But, there were those who trashed me for stepping up and daring to report them.

I was abused my a church minister, and for two years, was subjected to spiritual abuse, minimization, abuser protecting, denial, scapegoating abuse, rejection, non belief, bullying, abandonment, trivialisation, cheap grace (which is abuse to the victim) and every single person involved, all the so called ‘mature Christians’ people I brought into this, failed me, caused further abuse on some level, some far greater than others – but ‘all’ further abused me emotionally. And the minister has been ‘promoted’ – the ultimate in ‘abuser protecting’, in fact a common issue of ‘raising up an abuser’ prevailed. My Christian doctor, stated in an email when I told her of this terrible news “I can understand why you are so distressed and I do not believe the Baptist Church have made a good decision”.

Too right it was a bad decision, and a complete failure by all involved and quite frankly I am aware none of them give a shit. It is evil prevailing. Abuse is evil. Raising up unrepentant abusers, is evil prevailing. And they all went along with it.

(see here for evidence of how much perpetrator protection goes on in organised Christianity, and this should not only apply to sexual abuse, it should apply to all forms of abuse http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/ )

I placed myself into positions of vulnerability every time I have had the courage to deal with this. It takes great courage, which requires vulnerability, to deal with abusive people in an appropriate way. I have that courage, I have that capacity to be vulnerable – to do what is right and needed. I have the courage to be vulnerable, to be honest about things that are embarrassing, deeply uncomfortable and painful – to make the right choices.

I will be told no doubt by some, I have ‘too great a sense of responsibility’, or claim it’s just ‘drama’ or whatever other nasty shit they want to hurt me with.

Bullshit, people just want to think that, so they

can justify to themselves their own lack

of courage and integrity to do what’s right.


They don’t have the courage I have,

so will find something negative in what I

do and who I am, to pull me down,

so they can appease their own conscience

and lack of courage, failures.


Sure, stay in denial, it’s easier there.


But don’t you dare try to bring me down

and hurt me more,

because of *your* own inner shame.

Continue reading

Tears, listening to Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability, Shame, Courage.


This is the first time I have listened/watched this. And there were tears.

I can’t even begin to say how much I agree with everything she says about shame, vulnerability and courage, all being connected.

How society says vulnerability is weakness, and it isn’t at all. It takes great courage to be vulnerable.

I put myself in situations of being vulnerable, all the time. In the last few years, I’ve done it to expose a narc minister, a fraud sociopath claiming to have cancer/PTSD & more recently a narc/lying page admin.

I told everyone I have PTSD and I am open about all of who I am. Which takes great courage and has absolutely put me in a place of vulnerability.


And I have received ‘messages’ from many, how this is wrong. How it is weakness to have PTSD or speak about it and had weak people use that as a scapegoat for their own failings.

I’ve been told my boundaries aren’t good enough, I shouldn’t expose abusers, I shouldn’t write about myself so openly. I’ve been ridiculed, mocked, disbelieved, ignored, shamed, put down, lied about, and told that everything I am, is wrong.

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Need inspiration, so Brene Brown’s TED talks on shame, vulnerability, courage & ignoring critics.

I have added 4 TED talks to my Website @ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!shame-guilt-blame/clyd

I believe you do need to have vulnerability, to have courage and I wrote about this today..

“Courage, is only formed, by allowing yourself to be vulnerable.”

Whether it be going into a burning house to try to save someone’s life, to tell the truth about something that you did wrong, or expose an abuser.

Each situation, means you need courage, to do something right and face something potentially unpleasant and negative that could happen to you.

So, you have to become vulnerable to do this.

People who lie, which is abuse, have no courage.  (and I don’t mean lying in a situation of danger).

Continue reading